More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, No. 9
In honor of HateFestAPalooza2012 (aka "The Republican National Convention"
Another look into the world of conservative doublethink.
Previous editions are available at my journal page:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=journals&uid=171954
Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
Just a restatement of a couple of older one due to recent events:
* Bob Dole's heath care plan and George HW Bush's energy policy on carbon credits instantly became radical socialism as soon as Barack Obama endorsed them. (based on a comment by Bill Maher)
* Someone paying a fine because they failed to buy health insurance is an outrage. Someone dying because they failed to buy health insurance is sound economic and social policy.
* When it snows in February, it proves that climate change is a hoax. When there's record heat and drought in many parts of the country, it doesn't prove anything about climate change because it's summer, after all.
And now to the new stuff:
Verbatim from a tweet by John Fugelsang:
* Fast and Furious proves it's treason to sell weapons to bad guys. Unless it's Iran and you're Reagan. That's awesome.
And on to the "original" ones:
* We have too many firemen, police officers, and teachers. And no doubt not enough leverage capitalists and hedge fund managers.
* Not offensive: Government telling women what they can and can't do with their own vaginas. Offensive: Women actually saying the word "vagina".
* Being a law professor is "elitist". Owning a competitive dancing horse is not.
* Just because the Republican Congress opposes, votes down, and filibusters every piece of legislation the President supports is no reason for him to actually use executive branch power in pursuit of his policy goals.
* Just because the Republican Congress opposes, votes down, and filibusters every piece of legislation the President supports clearly means the President deserves all of the blame for the state of the economy.
* If Willard Mitt Rmoney had picked Marco Rubio for Vice President, it would make all Hispanics forget Republican opposition to immigration reform and the DREAM act, just like picking Sarah Palin made all women forget Republican opposition to reproductive rights and equal pay.
* States have the right to ignore the Federal government's authority on immigration policy, but not on campaign finance policy.
* You resent the fact that the banks were bailed out because they were "too big to fail", and believe that the remedy for this is to remove government oversight and regulations that might prevent the banks from getting even bigger.
* The Loch Ness Monster is real, and disproves the theory of evolution.
* Canada's government run health care system is awful, which is why you want to escape there to flee American health care reform.
* Being a "strict constructionist" judge means overturning decades of precedent, including your own rulings, to come to the legal conclusion that corporations and conservative activists want.
* Mandatory invasive pat-downs of airline passengers is an offensive invasion of privacy. Mandatory invasive vaginal probes of women wanting a legal medical procedure performed is just and proper.
* Health care reform's mandate is a tax when applied on the national level, but not on the state level. (You know...like in Massachusetts)
* Expressing support for the traitors who waged a massive armed revolt against the United States in the 1860's is a form of patriotism.
* Willard Mitt Rmoney's experiences in business, the 2002 Olympic Committee, and as Governor of Massachusetts are his major qualifications to be President. Actually talking about Willard Mitt Rmoney's records in business, the Olympics, and as Governor of Massachusetts are a liberal smear campaign.
* One of the reasons Bill Clinton should have been impeached is because he might have taken money from foreign nationals--the Chinese. It's perfectly acceptable for Mitt Rmoney to go to England, Israel, and Poland looking for campaign contributions.
* It was just and proper that Martha Stewart went to jail for insider trading. Paul Ryan's insider trading during the economic meltdown of 2008 is just him being a smart businessman.
* Government officials should never get between a patient and their doctor--that is the just and proper roll of insurance company claims adjusters.
* Women can never get pregnant as the result of rape.
Nah, never mind, withdraw that last one, it's too absurd. You'd have to have a single digit IQ to believe anything like that, and not even the teabaggers in Congress are that stupid, right? I better stick to something vaguely approaching reality.
