Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack

[seabeyond]

Last edited Fri Jan 11, 2013, 03:11 PM - Edit history (1)

?2284



*

“After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.”

*

“There is absolutely no reason—not for hunting, protection, or otherwise—that an ordinary citizen would need to possess a 600-pound silverback,” said Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), one of the most outspoken gorilla control advocates in Congress. “The general public frankly has no business owning apes of this size, and the only people who do are zookeepers who are trained to properly handle them. Otherwise, they are nothing but a threat to society and only serve to perpetuate more violence.”

*

“Listen, it’s my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a gorilla to protect myself and my family,” said Nashua, NH resident James Harrington, 46, adding that he personally owns 12 different gorillas of various sizes, but keeps them “safely locked away in [his] home.” “And the government has another thing coming if they think they can come into my house and take away my gorillas.”

“What happened in San Diego was horrible, but that doesn’t mean all gorillas are bad,” Harrington added. “In fact, if every person at that mall had a gorilla, then the tragedy probably never would have even happened in the first place.”

http://www.theonion.com/articles/gorilla-sales-skyrocket-after-latest-gorilla-attac,30860/?ref=auto



my son sent me this, thinking it a hoot. he knows how to use guns. has been hunting, not much into it. i have a husband that owns guns, and we have been talking what laws he thinks would work. has no problem embracing laws. he was also the one to turn me onto stewarts rant, saying how good it was. and i.... i am anti gun.

so, this post isnt to get into battle. thought funny.

[Jackpine Radical]

1. When they outlaw gorillas,

only outlaws will have gorillas.

While I'm at it, I wanna argue for at least one gorilla in every school.
They can do double duty as football coaches.

[JohnnyRingo]

5. "Football coaches"... hahahaha

You must have known my high school gym teacher. He unwittingly caused me to pay more attention in science class.

[colorado_ufo]

12. ROFL!

Not ANOTHER new keyboard! Must break morning coffee habit . . .

[In_The_Wind]

2. I'd just like to stroke it.

Gorilla fur looks soft.

Although, I doubt I'd want it hanging around unless it was able to use the indoor pluming correctly. [img][/img]


[img][/img]

[CreekDog]

3. LOL and I like the photo too

[JohnnyRingo]

4. It's hilarious.

I'm a gun owner, but it doesn't offend. It just makes great light of the NRA's nonsensical argument about arming everyone from schoolchildren in the classroom to seniors in rest homes.

The writers at The Onion are underpaid. Thanx for posting.

[DanTex]

6. LOL.

[southernyankeebelle]

7. They are such dirty animals.

[ileus]

8. He should have invested in a G20

If he was really worried about large animal attacks and didn't want to carry a long defensive firearm like an AR.

[Canuckistanian]

9. That's why I use Trunk Monkey (tm)

[colorado_ufo]

13. Great!

[xchrom]

15. !

[tavalon]

19. OMG that's funny!

[mysuzuki2]

10. Gorillas don't kill people.

People with gorillas kill people. Actually, gorillas are peaceable creatures. If you really want to be a badass, get a chimpanzee.

[tavalon]

18. Gorilla's aren't completely peaceable, but yeah, Chimps are way more harsh.

If you don't behave and show appropriate deference, a silverback will throw the hurt on you.

[Fire Walk With Me]

11. Release the marmosets!

[WillyT]

14. LOL !!! - K & R !!! - Perfect !!!

[Separation]

16. Ive always been a fan of macaque

[Recursion]

17. Actually, I think this is very helpful

Hilarious, and it takes some of the emotion away here.