Wedding Gift Sparks Epic Text Battle: Is Marriage Etiquette Dead?

[The Straight Story]

Last edited Sat Jun 22, 2013, 06:09 PM - Edit history (1)

This is the story of how a jar of marshmallow fluff ruined a friendship, clouded a joyful wedding day, and sparked debate across the Internet.

It all began on Wednesday, when the Hamilton Spectator published a letter from a disgruntled wedding guest, detailing his text battle over a gift he had sent a newly married co-worker.

Kathy Mason and her boyfriend (who chose to remain anonymous) attended the wedding of two Canadian women, and things went afoul from there. Mason's boyfriend, who sent his story, along with a hostile text exchange with the brides, to the Spectator wrote the following: "As a gift, my Girlfriend and I gave them a wicker box with a hinged lid, filled with food items, most of them PC Black Label, including: tri-color pasta, salsas, Balsamic vinegar and Olive oil, Gourmet croutons, Panko Breading, Pesto, some baking ingredients, Biscuits from Godiva and a few 'Fun' items like Marshmallow Fluff, Sour Patch Kids and Butterscotch sauce…On the card we wrote 'Life is delicious....Enjoy.'"

The following day, he received, via text, what might be the least genuine thank-you note in history.

One of the two brides wrote: "Heyyy I just wanna say thanks for the gift but unfortunately I can't eat any of it lol I'm gluten intolerant. Do u maybe have a receipt?"

That was the first message, from one of the brides. The second, from the other bride, firmed up any question as to whether they felt the basket of candy and other goods made a suitable wedding gift.

"I'm not sure if it's the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding, people give envelopes," the bride/co-worker texted to the gift-givers. "I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate, and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads up for the future "

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/wedding-gift-basket-sparks-epic-text-war--the-battle-over-cheap-presents--183304420.html

[Warpy]

1. The bride is crass and clueless.

Most of the people I've talked to about this say they'd have loved a basket of carefully selected gourmet and gag items instead of another stupid cut glass ashtray given to a nonsmoking couple. The gourmet items made it quite an expensive basket.

That $200/person charge is just a little steep but wealthier people pay it for the pleasure of having their marriage celebrated with a big bash for friends and family, not to make a return on the investment.

I guess Mrs. Priss didn't read the fine print on that.

[pnwmom]

87. They are ALL crass and clueless.

As someone who always gives gifts that are returnable, and always asks the store for a "gift receipt" for this purpose, I think the guest's reaction was ALSO over-the-top. And his comments about the "sham" marriage were inexcusable.

http://www.thespec.com/news-story/3845206-have-your-say-about-the-firestorm-over-a-wedding-gift/

“Hi , I want to tell you how incredibly insulted I am in both of the messages you have sent me over the last two days. (Bride 1), I am sorry that you have intolerance to Gluten, I am sure that makes life difficult at times. However, to ask for a receipt is unfathomable. In fact it was incredibly disrespectful. It was the rudest gesture I have encountered, or even heard of.”

“I don't care what you or anybody thinks, you should just be happy your sham of a marriage is legal dude!”

[PotatoChip]

2. Poor manners on the brides' part. Ugh! (nt)

[malaise]

3. Some seriously classless women

[pinboy3niner]

4. Bridezilla

[mokawanis]

5. I think it's a good gift

but then again, I suck at choosing gifts.

I thought weddings were supposed to be a celebration of two people joining their lives together, not a fund drive.

[Godhumor]

6. When I got married in Japan, expectations were never discussed

As tradition, people simply gave us 15,000 yen i they were f a friend and 30,000 yen if they were a relative.

No registry, no fuss, no gift worries.

[blueamy66]

118. that doesn't sound right either

there are regulations on gift giving?

isn't a wedding about love and celebration?

when I get married, I will note on the invitation - NO GIFTS...MY GIFT IS MY MARRIAGE

on an aside - this couple needs a life lesson, bigtime!

[Godhumor]

122. Group based society

So gifts and expectations tend to be uniform.

[blueamy66]

125. Not in my society

The marriage will be my gift.

[HiPointDem]

7. weddings are too expensive. if you expect the guests to cover the costs of your deluxe

wedding, charge admission.

[Liberal_in_LA]

50. +1

[gollygee]

8. Maybe at her next wedding they can give her an empty envelope. n/t

[Go Vols]

9. +1

[SoCalDem]

10. Weddings should be less expectational and more celebratory

We have been married 43+ years, and I am not ashamed to say that there are some wedding gifts that are still in their original boxes. I wrote each and every person thanking them profusely for their gift, even though I knew I would never use it...or it may have been a duplicate

what did they get for their gift?

a handful of nuts & mints... a piece of a sheet cake from a local bakery ..some coffee or punch...and that was it.. We had no reception other than those meager offerings on a vestibule table..

We did not get married in order to turn it into a birthday-Xmas present-a-ganza

Even the person who gave us two bright red bath towels....no washcloths or hand towels..just two red bath towels that my husband wore out washing cars over the next decade or so, got a thank you note.

I never "registered" our wedding because back then it was presumptuous to tell people what you wanted or needed.. we needed everything... even twp ugly red towels

[former9thward]

123. Did I misread something?

You are keeping gifts unopened for 43 years?

[SoCalDem]

127. Not un-opened..just not ever used.. (silver teapots & stuff like that)

We oohed-& aahed, put them back in their velvet bags & back into the boxes they went)

Our dining is decidedly casual

[Tikki]

11. What we need to understand is: People who form relationships, yes even marriage, seek each..

other out at some level. These two ladies are perfectly joined in their ideals...this is good for them...bad for
anyone with clever sensibilities and a sense of humor.

To keep from having to suffer from a guest's inspiring and fun imagination, the brides should have requested
'envelopes only' on the wedding invitations.

Tikki
ps...the gift basket prob wasn't inexpensive to put together.

[petronius]

14. That's the silver lining, anyway, the marriage will probably last

Two birds of a feather, joined against a hostile and ignorant world...

And I too think that's a great gift: a bit of pre-prepared cooking-baking-picnicking together-time for the weeks after the bustle of a wedding seems very thoughtful...

[xmas74]

65. I usually put together gift baskets for weddings.

They're not cheap but they tend to be more thoughtful.

[Hekate]

100. I like making gift baskets as well, and they can run into money

I can get creative and colorful and personal -- and if food is involved it will be tasty. I would never knowingly violate someone's dietary restrictions, be it kosher or ulcer, gluten or lactose.

One time I needed to put together a house-gift for my sis and her family, as my husband (the second and final husband) and I were going to spend some time visiting them. I mailed ahead a package containing an electric ice cream maker, "The Whole Scoop" a nifty book about making ice cream, some high end sauces in jars, and a handful of colorfully wrapped candies.

When family members traveled to town for my daughter's wedding I arranged a group rate at a local hotel and prepared a giant "Welcome to Santa Barbara" basket for their room that included a map of the town, a list of fun places to see, a bicycle map, a local hikes book, some treats and snacks and I don't remember what all else. My brother was so impressed he asked me where I got the basket, and it turned out he thought it was a professionally-made item.

[Lex]

12. People have been sucked in by the marriage marketing industry.

Hook, line, and sinker.

Plus, those brides were totally classless, as others have pointed out.

[Ilsa]

29. Yeah, like being expected to spend

half a year's salary on the wedding, reception, and honeymoon, and three months wages on a stupid ring. It's obscene.

[UtahLib]

13. Very thoughtful gift, in my opinion.

Very rude and thoughtless couple. Shame on them.

[LiberalAndProud]

15. At $100/plate, the guest list should have been trimmed.

Since the brides believed the wedding is for receiving lots of loot, better to invite only the well-heeled. If it's about the gift, not the celebration, better to not include co-workers in the invitation list, I think. I have a notion that they didn't want their guests to actually attend, but to feel obligated to give, give, give. The brides are well matched. I'm happy to not be part of their social circle.

[Jarla]

16. As someone with food intolerances

Last edited Sat Jun 22, 2013, 05:35 PM - Edit history (1)

I can sympathize with how frustrating it can be to be gifted with food that I am unable to eat. But I usually don't get too upset unless I've told somebody about my food restrictions and they still give me something I can't eat. It isn't clear in this story whether or not the guests had ever been told about the one bride's gluten intolerance.

As for the cost of the gift...

Many of my friends had to spend a good deal of money on travel and hotel expenses to just attend the wedding. I was grateful that they were simply able to be there.

[XemaSab]

20. I spent $600 on my friend's wedding

And it was within driving distance.

[RILib]

88. If someone gave me meat

I'd say Thank you. And then out of their sight I'd give it a decent burial in the backyard.

[Jarla]

93. Oh yeah I'd probably do something similar

I can't imagining responding the way this couple did. But I can understand feeling annoyed about it. But it sounds like they may have been lying about the gluten intolerance, in any case.

[FedUpWithIt All]

107. In one of the reports i've read the gift giver works at a restaurant

and recently saw both brides dining there and having pasta.

[Pelican]

111. Additionally, the gift giver saw them both eat normal food at the restaurant where he works...

So there is no reasonable expectation at all...

The brides are just classless.

[Motown_Johnny]

17. I'm kinda with the Brides on this one.

Clearly, mentioning the cost of the reception was a mistake. She should not have gone there. On that point she is wrong and I think pretty much everyone would agree with that.

I do think, however, that some thought should go into a gift. To give something that is clearly thoughtless is rather insulting. The woman can't even eat this stuff.

I don't know if the Brides had registered anywhere, but most do, and I am betting that the gift in question was not on the list.

If you read the article at the link the gift giver goes off about being asked for a receipt. Gift receipts are common. On this point the guy is dead wrong. Wanting to return a gift you can't use is also common, that is what gift receipts are for.

Maybe if they had responded to the first text (with an apology/explanation) then that second text might never have existed.


It was a crappy gift and I can't blame the Brides for being insulted.

Well, unless the Wedding was on Halloween.


http://l.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/cCZWbhZsxfDOFoNrv2qLZQ--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7cT04NTt3PTQ1MA--/

[bunnies]

22. He should have apologized for the gift?!

What?! What the hell is that? Someone gives you a gift you say "Thank you". Period. Not everyone can afford to go buy some crystal stemware from the registry. Its disgusting that people behave so ungratefully. The woman cant eat the stuff? Tough shit. Is her wife gluten intolerant too? Maybe instead of pissing and moaning to people who were trying to do something nice, she could have donated the food to a pantry.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

[cali]

24. sorry, but even if one hates a gift, one simply says thank you

and yes, it's extremely tacky to ask for a receipt.

these brides are rude little money grubbers.

[Jarla]

36. I feel like there's a difference though

Last edited Sun Jun 23, 2013, 01:33 AM - Edit history (2)

Between a gift that you might not like very much and a gift that will make you physically ill.

It isn't clear if the guests knew about the bride's gluten intolerance. But if they did, it was rather thoughtless to give something that would make her sick.

Edit: I know now that the one bride was probably lying about her gluten intolerance. I discovered this after I made this comment.

[cali]

39. Why on earth would you ever assume that the gift givers knew about the bride's gluten intolerance?

that's a very odd assumption to make.

[Jarla]

40. I didn't make that assumption.

I wrote:

It isn't clear if the guests knew about the bride's gluten intolerance. But if they did...

[cali]

41. I think one has to go on the assumption that they most certainly did not.

entertaining that thought is odd.

[Jarla]

48. I've learned from my own experience

That some people can be really ignorant and dismissive about special diets.

But I read more of the story here. And the guest honestly didn't know, and the bride may have even been lying about her gluten intolerance. (He remembered seeing her eating pasta a few weeks earlier.)

[Xithras]

49. Even if the gift would make them ill, they handled it very poorly.

And I have a brilliant personal example of this. Many years ago my wifes cousin gave her a kitten on her birthday. After the birthday party ended, she thanked him for the gift, informed him that she was allergic to cats, and asked whether he knew of any families that would be interested in a pet kitten.

She never rebuffed him for the gift. She never asked for a receipt. She didn't demand that he take it back. She THANKED him for it and moved on.

As it happened, he knew someone else who wanted a kitten...and a week later surprised her with a bunch of flowers at her workplace and a gift certificate to her favorite restaurant as an apology.

That's how reasonable people deal with these sort of things.

[Jarla]

53. That is a much better way to handle the situation :) n/t

[DeschutesRiver]

63. The way I read it, these guests went to the trouble of putting together a

basket full of items that they picked out themselves.

It would have been just as easy to put together a basket full of items for a gluten intolerant person, since they were building a basket from scratch. Or if they couldn't find gluten free items, then to just fill the basket with other things (pet stuff, bath stuff, clothing, you name it). I don't think they knew in advance of the gluten thing.

And also super simple for either of the brides to send an enthusiastic thank you! while donating the gift to someone via a food bank.

I'm guessing these two brides don't usually get too many Thoughtful gifts from people who know them well enough to realize how crudely they respond to people who give them things that they do not like. Who wants to get reamed if they guess wrong?

If they were friends of mine, I'd just give them a card saying I had donated xxx to their favorite charity in honor of their special day. Probably wouldn't make them any less ill behaved and savage about scolding a gift giver, but at least the wedding gift would be appreciated by the charity.

[xmas74]

104. When you read the article

you find out it has nothing to do with gluten intolerance and everything to do with them wanting money. One of the emails stated that a wedding is to make money for the future.

" Again... Out of 210 people at a wedding... The only I gift I got from all was yours... And fluffy whip and sour patch kids. Your Facebook message had nothing to do with the gift. Weddings are to make money for your future.. Not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven't gave gifts since like 50 years ago! You ate steak, chicken, booze, and a beautiful venue. To be exact the plates were $97 a person... But thanks again for the $30 gift basket my wife can't even eat. If anything you should be embarrassed for being so cheap and embarrassing yourself walking in with a gift basket probably re gifted cheap ass. Again.. Out of 210 people, you were the talk and laugh of the whole wedding!!!! Worst gift ever story Is being passed along to everyone!! How about you tell people what you gave as a 2 person gift to a wedding and see what normal functioning people say about it!! Do a survey with people u know... And tell me what 100% of them tell you!! Wake up dude "

http://www.thespec.com/news-story/3845206-have-your-say-about-the-firestorm-over-a-wedding-gift/

[Tree-Hugger]

121. Wow

I have seen this story passed around in several places and the vast majority of responses side with the gift giver. I hope these brides see how their "worst gift ever" story is being used to point out their disgusting, tacky attitudes and expectations.

It's their fault they spent $97.00 a plate. There is no obligation for guests to pay them back. Such expectations are tacky and rude.

[xmas74]

139. I wouldn't dream of telling someone what to give me for a gift of any sort.

It's tacky to the extreme.

[kiva]

81. Don't know if it's in this article,

but the gift givers said that they'd had dinner with the brides (or maybe served them at the restaurant) and both had full gluten pasta, so not so much on the allergy.

[Jarla]

84. Yeah I know :)

I saw the info after I made that comment. Sorry, I guess I'm a little sensitive about this issue.

[kiva]

95. Not a problem,

I am lucky and don't have major allergies, but if I did I'd be very provoked when people do the 'gimme attention' thing by pretending to be allergic.

[Ms. Toad]

101. I see this has been addresed already

I'll just leave it with links for anyone else who is curious.

"To be honest, I was a little thrown off by this. A few weeks before the two of them came to eat at the Italian restaurant I currently work at (paying with the Gift Card I had my owner donate to their doe and doe.....but I digress), and both ate pasta, and not our gluten free stuff either."

http://www.thespec.com/news-story/3845206-have-your-say-about-the-firestorm-over-a-wedding-gift/

[Jarla]

102. Yes I know the bride was probably lying about the gluten intolerance

Sorry, I found that article and learned that the bride was probably lying after I made that comment. I've mentioned this a few times in my more recent posts.

[Ms. Toad]

108. That's why I edited my post.

But I hadn't seen the full quote from the article, so I left it for others (like another person below) who has apparently still not seen the article.

[Jarla]

114. Thanks! No worries

I'm sorry that I sounded a bit grumpy. I was up way past my bedtime after a long day.

I know that it can be hard to keep track of who's saying what. And I didn't realize that you had already edited your post by the time I responded.

[blueamy66]

119. was the bride forced to eat the food that would make her "physically ill"?

really? really???

[Jarla]

131. This comment upsets me a little

Last edited Sun Jun 23, 2013, 03:39 PM - Edit history (1)

I have said in multiple comments now that I am now more aware of the context of the situation and that I agree that the brides' behavior was inappropriate.

I shall explain where I was initially coming from....

I am personally gluten intolerant. I am also quite sensitive to corn products. Before I figured this out, I was nearly 20 pounds underweight, and I was having bouts of diarrhea several times a week. In my opinion, this fits into the definition of "physically ill."

I try to be very open and clear about my food restrictions so that, when I'm invited to dinner or a party, I don't offend or embarrass my hosts by refusing to eat the food that they've worked so hard to prepare.

Thus, the majority of my family and friends know that I can't eat food that contains gluten or corn.

Therefore, I would probably be rather dismayed if people whom I considered to be good friends gave me, as a wedding gift, a basket full of food that they were aware would make me sick if I ate it.

I would most likely give them the benefit of the doubt that it had just slipped their minds or that they had just missed seeing wheat or corn in the ingredients list. (Heck, my mother sometimes forgets to check the labels!)

But I might question whether or not they were really my friends if it was apparent that they didn't seem to care about my physical needs and limitations.

Do you believe that it would be ungrateful of me to feel that way?

ETA: It's a little like giving a book as a present to somebody who's blind.

[blueamy66]

132. Not the same thing

nt

[tammywammy]

133. There's a difference in this situation though

In that the person who gave them the gift of pasta, etc, saw them both eating regular gluten containing pasta not that long ago at the restaurant that he works at.

So either the gluten allergy is a new diagnosis, to which he didn't know, or frankly, the woman lied.

[Jarla]

134. Yes, I know that the situation is very different.

But I've received some negative responses to an early comment I made here, before I learned that the brides were probably lying about the gluten intolerance, so I wanted to explain where I was coming from.

[tammywammy]

135. I probably should have read the whole thread.

I completely understand your position. It would be very upsetting if a friend gave me a gift of food knowing I couldn't have it.

[Jarla]

136. No worries :)

And thank you for understanding

[Ilsa]

27. I'm with bunnies and cali. They should

have said "thank you" and donated the food or passed it along to a family member.

Buying someone's place setting is pretty damn expensive. Attending someone's wedding usually costs money too. If the brides were weighing the cost of the wedding against the receipt of marriage loot, maybe they should have eloped and saved everyone the trouble.

[Violet_Crumble]

58. I'm not. Weddings aren't supposed to be profit making exercises...

If they didn't like the gift, a thank you for the gift should have been the end of it. Expecting the gift giver to apologise? No way. I've received plenty of gifts that I can't use or don't like, and I've always said thank you and either given it away or put it away out of sight. You don't know how much thought went into the gift. If they can't afford much, my bet is far more thought went into it than a gift from someone who can afford to spend a fair bit.

Rather than ask for a receipt, they could have donated the gift to charity. I'm sure there's a lot of people who aren't as selfish or rude as them who'd gratefully accept that hamper...

[Logical]

62. LOL, I have a feeling I would not enjoy your company. n-t

[xmas74]

69. The actual basket itself probably wasn't cheap.

And baskets usually are quite useful for many years to come for storage and such.

I was raised to think that registries are tacky, whether they are for weddings, baby showers, graduations or what have you. Whatever a person gives you should be appreciated, especially since you don't know the story behind the gift. Oh, and that money is the least impersonal of all gifts and should never be requested.

I was also always taught not to bring a present to the wedding. You should deliver it to the house, either in person or via mail, before the wedding or up to eight weeks after. There are too many other things happening at a wedding to worry about the presents. I've noticed over the past fifteen years or so that tradition has flown out the window.

The last two weeks I've attended have been for settled adults who lived together for a few years before the wedding. Instead of presents they requested money, time or materials donated to a list of charities that they offered. There was a charity for nearly anyone represented, from the food pantry to the women's shelter to Head Start to the animal shelter to Habitat for Humanity. That is something I'm hoping to see more of over the years.

A demand for money like was mentioned above by the bride was just tacky, no matter how much the present wasn't liked.

[XemaSab]

71. Like I said downthread

The fact that most people aren't building a household from scratch makes registries very helpful.

It's a lot easier for the guests to find something in budget that they know will be appreciated, even if it's only $30 worth of towels.

[salin]

73. except on of the brides expressed that there was an expectation that the gift exceeded the expense

per person of the wedding. A $30 gift of towels would have still run afoul of that expectation.

[xmas74]

74. The past few weddings I've attended

no longer even ask for gifts. Instead, they ask for time, materials or money to be donated to local charities. Now that's an idea I can get behind.

[Jarla]

97. I don't think registries are that uncommon these days

Most of my friends have had registries for weddings and baby showers. I find registries helpful because I don't feel like I'm that good at picking out gifts, and so, if I buy something that's on a registry, I know that I'm giving something that will actually be appreciated.

When my husband I got married, we included a lot of items on our registry that were under $30 because we knew that many of our friends couldn't afford anything more than that. We actually were starting a household, so we registered for things like a shower curtain and Pyrex dishes and oven mitts.

We also registered with a couple charities.

[salin]

72. I might have been sympathetic - til one of the brides said that they expected to "earn" ..

that they viewed the wedding as an investment in which the gifts (and suggested an 'envelope' rather than a gift) should exceed what they paid for the wedding.

Mkay. If that is the new view of weddings - then count me out. Because then the game is to have a more and more expensive "investment" and expect the guests (regardless of costs to attend the wedding) to be expected to exceed that investment, than the whole idea of a celebration of the marriage ceremony is dead.

I'll send a card. Congrats. I'll save you the money of paying for me as a guest (lower the cost of your "investment&quot , as it isn't really a celebration but rather a fancy shakedown. Didn't know that was part of the new normal.

[dsc]

96. If you read the oringal story

apparently the brides ate non gluten free pasta a couple of nights before the wedding at a restaurant where the guest and they jointly worked.

[kiva]

138. My understanding is that the brides

'rearranged' the basket, removing some of the pricier things, before they took this picture...which, given their nasty texts, is not surprising.

[Buzz Clik]

18. So... the gifts should be equal to or greater than the cost of the meal per person?

Maybe that should be explained in the invitation.

[customerserviceguy]

37. Here in the Northeast

I was surprised to find out that it's a part of the experience. At least that's what my lady says, and I commonly refer to her as "The Dutchess of Decorum." Of course, when I screw up some Northeastern ettiquite practice (I'm still a Northwesterner in my heart and soul) and she calls me on it, I call her "Emily Ex-Post Facto"!

You can't be expected to keep up on every nonsense tradition, but if you don't, expect those who hold those traditions dear to skewer you. That's what we seem to have in this case.

If it was me as the rebuffed gifter, I'd simply find different friends.

[Go Vols]

42. It is tradition

to give people a list of what you want to buy them when getting married?

Best I can find is that it was started by a department store less than 90 years ago.

[customerserviceguy]

47. Some traditions are not as old as others

In any case, I'm still flabbergasted about it. My lady and I gave a modest, but nice thoughtful gift to friends who got married in WA, and they were most impressed by the fact that I burned a couple of vacation days to add on to a weekend, and used my frequent flier miles to come see their wedding.

It's clearly some sort of cultural difference related to region.

[Shankapotomus]

19. So sick of materialism

ruining everybody's good time. You can't even enjoy a wedding and the union of two people because it's all about $$.

[XemaSab]

21. Back in the day, most/many married couples needed to set up a household

so household items were appreciated.

Most people nowadays are merging two existing households (or keeping the one established household), so they don't need household items.

My friend who got married a few years ago wasn't going to set up a registry, but I straight told her that she would be doing her guests and herself a HUGE favor. Otherwise, what do you get a couple who are somewhat well off and who have been living together for a year with the contents of their two combined bachelor/bachelorette houses?

I'm one of her best friends and I was flummoxed for what to get her.

For the bridal shower I got her a fancy picnic basket and for the wedding I got them a $100 gift certificate for a plant nursery so they could landscape the front yard.

I think the dude in the OP put more thought into the gift than either of the brides realized, and I think their response was utterly tacky. If they hated it, they could have discreetly dropped it off at a local food bank and then later told him how delicious it all was. Also, since when do vinegar and olive oil have gluten in them?

[cali]

23. wow. I can't even imagine. both brides are seriously short on etiquette and kindness

the response to well intentioned gift should never be anything but a polite and heartfelt thank you.

I'm amazed by their nasty, entitled, money grubbing actions.

[laundry_queen]

25. I can see both sides here

First of all - if one of the brides is really gluten intolerant, and the guest that gave the gift didn't know, that guest should've apologized PROFUSELY and offered either the receipt or a cash gift instead. It doesn't say what the guest's response to the first text was before the second text arrived. And if the guest knew, but gave this gift anyway, then that's inexcusable and he/she should be ashamed of themselves.

Secondly, if I received PC brand food, I'd be totally insulted, just as I would if I received Great Value food, or No Name food. Store brand food as gifts? Now that's horrible, horrible etiquette. At least make ALL the food brand name, or gourmet or something. If you can't afford something nicer, don't attend the wedding, period. I think the basket was a cute idea that was badly executed. Even the basket is BLAH. It screams 'thoughtless'.

That said, the second text was uncalled for. Talk about rude, if you are inviting people and getting pissed when you aren't getting an adequate return on investment, then you shouldn't be inviting people at all. When you have a wedding, you invite people because you want to share the wedding with them, and they are your guest, period. There should be no expectations. If you can't afford $200 a plate, then have a backyard potluck. Jesus. And you should never, ever, ever berate a guest for their gift, although if it's a really shitty gift, I think giving other people a heads up as to the gift giving talents of the shitty gift giver is okay

Another thing I just thought of - because I know people like this - is maybe it was a passive aggressive gift. If they knew the bride was gluten intolerant, but were one of 'those' people who rolled their eyes and said things like, "it's all in her head" and "Screw her stupid 'gluten' diet, she's full of it, she's doing it for attention" and gave her the gift as a passive aggressive slight to show her that they didn't agree with her diet (it doesn't say if the bride is celiac, or voluntarily cut out gluten - with the latter, lots of people poo-poo the choice). There isn't enough information in the article IMO.

[Jarla]

28. Yes! I am one of those people

who really can't eat gluten. And I would be pretty upset if one of my supposed friends was being dismissive about a legitimate health concern.

[lumberjack_jeff]

34. I don't get this.

If the point of a wedding is to "share a special day with friends" as opposed to "$hare a $pecial day with friend$" then I'd take the gift graciously and donate it to the food bank if it didn't conform to my diet.

[laundry_queen]

43. That's a good idea

asking for a receipt does seem kind of silly if it really is a cheap gift, I mean, if you can pay $200/plate for someone then you can afford to donate a $30 gift.

[cali]

45. certainly not.

first of all, it's ludicrous to think that the gift givers knew that the bride was gluten intolerant. Secondly, the bride should never have informed of that in her spurious thank you note.

The response to a gift that's tacky should be essentially the same as a gift from Asprey or Tiffany. One doesn't counter tacky with equally tacky. ack.


this is entirely on the brides.

oh, and I think it's so strange that people in this thread are suggesting the gift givers knew about the bride's supposed gluten intolerance.

[laundry_queen]

90. Why is it strange?

Most people I know who are on gluten free diets talk about it openly and often. If these people knew the bride well enough to be invited to her wedding, then it's not a huge leap to assume they may have known about her intolerance. Maybe I just have more open and friendly friends. We always talk about stuff like that at gatherings - heck, I know the diets of most of the people my mom works with and half the people in my classes.

I agree the brides perhaps shouldn't have done what they did, but I think it's silly for that guest to make such a big deal out of it that he/she took it to the press. That alone makes me think there's more to the story. If the guest DIDN'T know, then he/she should've apologized and, like you said, not met tacky with tacky and taken the story public. I think they out-tacky-ed the brides here.

[Ms. Toad]

103. You might want to read the story.

The happy couple recently ate at the restaurant where the gift giver (the former boss of one of them) now works - using a gift card the gift giver arranged for the restaurant to provide for them following the announcement of their engagement (Yes, another gift, in addition to the gift basket). Both members of the couple ordered, and ate, regular pasta.

So the gluten free line was probably a fib - or at best a very recent diagnosis which, since their boss/employee relationship ended some time ago, the gift giver would be unlikely to know of.

And - FWIW - weddings are about celebrating the beginning of a new family in the presence of friends and families, not about building a nest egg. Our wedding reception was pot luck, aside from sandwich trays and the wedding cake. We spent around $600 total for 135 guests who came from as far away as 2000 miles. Despite our request that friends and family not bring gifts, some did. I can probably list most of the 135 who attended -but I really couldn't tell you who did, and who did not, bring gifts. People still comment, out of the blue, that our wedding was one of the most wonderful weddings they had ever been to.

No guest should ever be expected (or feel the need) to apologize for a gift that was well intended - and it is clear to me this one was from the cute saying and care that went into choosing the contents.

[Violet_Crumble]

105. It looks like she was lying about being gluten intolerant...

She was eating normal pasta only a few weeks before that. Besides, the olive oil and other things in the hamper didn't contain gluten. My best friend is gluten intolerant and there's no way she'd behave like that if she was given a gift that contained gluten. She doesn't make the assumption that everyone else has to cater for her and because she may have mentioned it once, everyone who isn't a close friend must remember. I'm her best friend, and there's been at least once I've forgotten when I've organised a banquet at a restaurant for a group of us.

As for taking it to the press, it looks like it was a small local papers column where people ask for advice. One of the brides was happy for that to happen as they took a photo of the hamper and supplied it to the paper. She only started demanding the comments section got shut down when she realised that the vast majority of responses weren't supporting her...

[laundry_queen]

129. That makes things more clear. The orginal article wasn't clear. nt

[cali]

109. now you know the bride is was lying about being gluten intolerant

how tacky is that?

Look, it's so basic that it's shocking that it should have to be explained:

You receive a gift given in good will, you thank the giver. there are no exceptions to this etiquette rule.

[Moonwalk]

128. You're talking as if the basket was full of gluten products that the bride wouldn't know...

...had gluten in them and she'd eat them and get sick. Like some mom serving a peanut allergic kid cookies that have peanuts in them. But that's not the case here. It's not like she was going to pick up the packages of pasta or cookies go into anaphylactic shock. Which means the gift wasn't so thoughtless and rude as you're making it out to be. After all, if one bride *was* allergic to gluten, then the other bride might still have made up a bowl of that pasta for herself. And the two could still use the olive oil and vinegar, salsa and pesto.

The thing is, unless the gift-giver is clearly making some rude point, then there is no such thing as an inconsiderate gift (stupid, cheap and tasteless ones, yes, but not inconsiderate). The assumption from you and the gluten-allergic bride should be that the gift-givers forgot about her gluten allergy or that maybe she forgot to mention it to them (many don't mention such allergies unless they're being invited over for dinner). And on that assumption, one makes the best of the gift. Repackage the pasta in another basket and give it to another friend as a housewarming gift. Hand over the sweets to a neighbor planning a kids' party. Whatever is left you make use of, including the wicker basket.

It is a gift. And you thank the person for it. Because they were trying to make you happy, and yes, it is the thought that counts.

[pnwmom]

124. Why would it be ludicrous? If they've ever shared a meal then they would know.

And they worked together, so that is likely.

[FarCenter]

26. See what happens when gays start getting married!

Two bridezillas in one wedding!

[MissB]

83. For the win!

[lumberjack_jeff]

30. If the wedding costs $200 per guest, maybe it's best to let the guests know that up front.

"You are cordially invited to our wedding, but be advised that it costs us $200 for you to attend, so don't bring fucking fluffy whip."

[flamingdem]

33. What about 50 jars of fluffy whip

at least that would be equivalent

[flamingdem]

31. When almost half of marriages end in divorce

the extravagant gift thing seems like a scam!

They should have thanked them and donated the food to their favorite junk food addict.

[Butterbean]

32. We got a giant ceramic frosted pink snail shell from a guest at our wedding.

It was about 12" x 14" and, it was honest to God a giant ceramic frosted pink snail shell. I hated that thing with the fire of a thousand suns. Still wrote (hand wrote) a considerate thank you note to the senders. Sheesh.

Perhaps all the guests could afford was something cheap, and they were trying to be creative. Did the brides ever give that a thought? A wedding is about celebrating the start of your lives together as a married couple, not about getting gifts in return for a lavish reception.

Crass and rude.

[cali]

46. you are a class act.

[Butterbean]

52. Well, thanks. Not according to my mother, though.

I didn't send the ty note with in 2 days of the reception, therefore I was a trollbeast. LOL.

[Liberal_in_LA]

51. i would have displayed it proudly

[Butterbean]

54. We actually did. LOL. That shell lived displayed in my kitchen until probably 6 years ago

(I've been married for 17), when we decluttered and decided it needed to find a more loving home. Plus it was a huge dust collector and I am a horrid housekeeper. Not a good combo.

[Liberal_in_LA]

55. glad you kept it for a bit

[Hekate]

99. I can top that: truly ugly monkey bookends from my groom's aunt and uncle

I could not believe how tastelessly ugly they were. And cheap, but that wasn't the point. My hubby was disgusted and said the choice must have been his cousin's, but since I was in charge of the thank you letters (this was 1971) I used my creative writing skills to say how very humorous the monkey bookends were. I never used them.

If he and I were still married that might be something we could laugh hilariously about, but one of our many problems was that he had no sense of humor at all.

[Butterbean]

141. Daaang. What were they made out of? One of the reasons

my dh and I are still together is because me makes me laugh until I cry, often. Sad that your ex couldn't make light of what could have been pretty darned funny.

[Hekate]

142. Plaster painted to look like wood? Really clumsy.

My second (and final) husband and I have been together more than 30 years. I wish I'd met him first!

[GreenEyedLefty]

113. For our wedding we got some interesting gifts: a jar of pickles, a bell/windchime, and

a brass elephant under a glass dome with a wind-up gizmo that played "Somewhere My Love" while the elephant slowly rotated.

I graciously thanked each gift giver. Of the three, we still have the bell (it's been 15 years). The pickles were delicious, and the elephant was the first thing to go in a garage sale a few years back.

On edit: we kept our wedding to under $10k, paid for it ourselves, with zero expectation of anything to "cover our plates." That is super lame, IMO.

[Butterbean]

140. I am LMAO @ the elephant. n/t

[Warren DeMontague]

35. Rude.

edited to add: We got some bad gifts at our wedding, including some stuff that looked like it had been picked up at the dollar store on the way over. Some people didn't give anything.

Eh, big deal.

[Nolimit]

38. A gift looked horse in the mouth.

I kind of wonder if the 1st bride is gluten intolerant. Judging from what the 2nd bride wrote, Bride #1 could have been beating around the bush and didn't want to express her dislike for the gift. Lately, weddings seem to be a competition among couples and bring out the worse in them.

[Jarla]

56. There's more about the story...

here http://www.thespec.com/news-story/3845206-have-your-say-about-the-firestorm-over-a-wedding-gift/

And it sounds like it's very possible that the first bride was lying.

[Lex]

44. And . . . it doesn't sound like the couple could afford to spend "per plate" what they spent

since they were incensed they had to "cover it" and didn't get what they wanted. They were looking for an offset from the price (that THEY set) from the attendees. Cheap.

[fishwax]

57. "Weddings are to make money for your future ..."

"Weddings are to make money for your future. Not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven't [given] gifts since like 50 years ago!"

[TeeYiYi]

59. For embarrassing...

I wish this had been a straight couple and not a gay couple.

Tacky.

TYY

[XemaSab]

60. As one of my friends said a few years ago

"I've been to Vegas and y'all do not even need teh gays to ruin marriage for you."

[madaboutharry]

61. One of my husband's uncles gave him

corning ware bowl that cost $12.95. He left the price sticker on the box. We just wrote a note that said "Dear______, Thank you very much for your gift. It was nice to see you. Mr. and Mrs. madaboutharry."

The only thing that really bothered me is that my husband was embarrassed in front of my parents when we got back to their house with the gifts.

I think the gift the brides got was more thoughtful than this one!

[rucky]

64. My brother bought my wedding gift at the Folsom Street Fair.

and that's all I'm going to say about it

[cynatnite]

66. A gift is a gift...you take it, say Thank You and nothing else....

You can always regift it to someone else if you despise it so much.

[NaturalHigh]

67. Wow. Whatever happened to "it's the thought that counts"?

These women could easily have donated the gift. I'm sure there are plenty of shelters who would have loved to have it. Or else, just give it to a friend or family member.

[Lars39]

68. Rude and crass.

I don't give a rip how much they were out per guest. It's not the guests' job to give them something they like AND OR something of equal monetary value of the meal and or favors. And you sure as hell don't ask for a frickin' receipt so you can return the gift.

[Blaukraut]

70. Didn't these women display some of that character before the wedding?

If so, the guests could have simply turned down the invitation. I just don't get this cult being made about weddings. How about being asked to be a bridesmaid, and having to wear a hideous contraption of a dress for the occasion? And, to top it all off, the bridesmaid usually has to pay for the damn thing! Ugh. Stupid customs that require everyone involved to waste money.

[galileoreloaded]

85. its a problem of expectations. girls are raised with princess images that

aren't attainable and men, who aren't really needed for the role they have been groomed for, use the wedding as some type of status declaration that their own weak-sauce personalities cant conjure in real life.

our culture is ill.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

75. so tacky on everyone's part. esp taking this to the press. nt

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

76. See what happens when you let teh gheys get married!

They get as uppity and assholish as straights do about the fucking wedding!

Seriously, show some class. Someone gave a bad gift. Thank them and move on. Don't reveal what a sham the whole marriage thing has become.

[onpatrol98]

77. I received some strange gifts indeed for my wedding years ago...

I absolutely loved every single one of them...the cheap ones, the expensive ones, the strange ones...etc.

I have food allergies, but I didn't get any gifts that would impact them.

People have given me food, however, that would have worked me over. I take it, say thank you...tell them I'm allergic and ask them if it's okay if my husband can eat it. He'll eat anything, so it's always a safe bet.

I just love the thought that people think enough of me to do anything.

[Phentex]

116. Me too. I guess others may find them more strange than I did...

I got a couple of Beauty & the Beast mugs that I LOVE! I got a strange pewter candy dish which I find interesting now.

I still have a set of silver and brass goblets in a velvet box that looked very vintage at the time.

And my brother gave me a small book of original poems which I absolutely treasure.

[Gravitycollapse]

78. I'd tell the brides to fuck off. I don't go to weddings to offset the cost.

And I do not have a lot of money. My idea of a wedding gift for most people is a nice card and a small giftcard. If people expect anything else, they expect too much.

[AtomicKitten]

79. complete and utter lack of grace

These ladies would be better served just holding a fundraiser. Doing it under the guise of a wedding makes them a couple of donkeys.

[galileoreloaded]

80. what lucky husbands!!!!! dudes need to GET OUT while they can, it dosent get better. hahahaha nt

[mythology]

86. I suspect that there won't be husbands in the future for either of these women

what with being lesbians. But since they both seem to be thoughtless clods, perhaps they can stay together so they don't make other people miserable.

[galileoreloaded]

89. lol. missed that! hahahahahaha nt

[flvegan]

82. Envelopes? What is she, in the Mob? Fuck them.

I honestly can't believe anyone here is defending the brides. You know what, if you can't eat it...donate it. Pay it forward and write it off your taxes, God forbid.

My response to the brides would have been a thank you with a check for $200. It's one cheap way to get them out of my life as I would have just lost interest in them. I can think of all the birthdays, anniversaries, Christmassssessses, etc that I don't have a buy a gift for them.

Of course, taking this spat to the media online is a whole 'nother set of classless activity, but that's for another story...

[Cal Carpenter]

91. Wow, these two women are such assholes they seem to have united 99% of the internet

I've never seen such a thing!

(And for that other 1%, read the whole exchange - it's even worse than it sounds)

[Hekate]

92. The Two Bridezillas seem to deserve each other

This is just jaw-droppingly rude: "Weddings are to make money for your future. Not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven't [given] gifts since like 50 years ago!"

A guest should put some thought into it -- and I for one have become a fan of registering at major department stores, because that takes the element of mind-reading out of gift selection.

A guest should give no more than they can reasonably afford -- and again, the practice of registering at major chain stores allows wide latitude in the price department.

A guest who is a co-worker can participate in a group gift or gift card, but that is only reasonable if the person in charge of collecting the money isn't demanding that everyone give the same amount. In my early years as a secretary supporting two small kids, paying daycare costs, whose salary barely covered my expenses even after my husband started paying child support again, I was angry and humiliated when I was expected to "give" the same amount as people who made two or three times what I did.

A guest is not responsible for paying for the wedding couple's inflated fairy tale fantasy wedding.

By the same token, people getting married should only have the wedding they can afford to pay for themselves. If you want reimbursement for dinners, put that on the wedding announcement RSVP card, i.e., "Enclose check for $200 for dinner" and that will let prospective guests know who they are dealing with. I would respectfully decline -- decline sending so much as a card of congratulations.

[we can do it]

94. Who cares?

[Lex]

98. you and the other 94 people who commented so far nt

[we can do it]

137. I don't I am sick of shit like this, facebook and other wastes of time.

I sure didn't read anything past the OP until you spoke up.

[Apophis]

106. One thing I learned in life: never bitch about gifts given to you.

After all, the person/people isn't obligated to give one. And if there is a certain gift you want, you tell someone and don't assume they know. And if you don't like the gift, you still send a thank you card. Bitching about a gift will make you look like an ungrateful jackass.

[Arcanetrance]

110. I think it's an awesome gift

It's practical too after paying for a wedding and at $100 a plate sounds like it was fairly luxurious so it probably cost a nice amount. These people gave them things to eat cause obviously if the couple can't afford to be out the $200 they will be in debt trying to pay off celebrating one day.

[KG]

112. incidents like this help me appreciate my small, somewhat reclusive life.

only been invited to a few non-family weddings. they seemed to appreciate the picture frames I gave. (my standard wedding gift)

[OnionPatch]

115. This kind of thing is why I don't attend weddings anymore.

I conveniently find something else I have to do that day because I'm not an ATM machine. I loved weddings when people actually got together to celebrate the commitment and gave modest gifts for the new couple's household. But weddings these days have become so obscene it's nauseating. If today's weddings are mostly about people wanting money for the future, they should skip the wedding in the first place. Sounds to me like this couple would have a nice little nest egg if they had.

[LWolf]

117. Good lord.

"Wedding etiquette" that requires a gift is ridiculous. It's one thing to honestly start a young couple off with things to help them supply a new household, if they don't already have their own. Anything outside of that is, imo, not relevant to the point.

Of course, I think big expensive weddings are stupid, too. What a waste, spending all of that money on one day, instead of investing in the future of the marriage.

Weddings SHOULD be about the commitment the couple is making to one another, not about the show. It's a damned good thing I didn't go in for any of the show for either of my weddings, since I couldn't make either groom's commitment stick. Still, they were meaningful to me.

I got married in a church the first time; no decorations, about 30 people, paid the pastor $75 and went to the groom's families house for a potluck after. The cake was $50, the dress another $50, the groom's suit whatever a cheap suit cost in '77, and we all had fun. Some people gave gifts, as we WERE just starting out on our own. Towels, dishes, etc.. All cheap.

I got married the 2nd time in Vegas. It was 13 years later, so it cost a little more. About $300 for the ride from the hotel to the registrars office, to the "chapel," and back to the hotel. $25 for flowers. $60 for the dress. More for a round of drinks in the hotel bar before the handful of guests went off to play in Vegas. No gifts, since we already had our own household. It was fun. It was cheap.

I have great memories of both.

[MineralMan]

120. No, it's not dead. This was one particular

situation, where one party behaved execrably. That's only an indication of how that person behaved. And it was only one of the parties who reacted horribly. The other party just posted a lame thank you.

And so it goes. Probably, applying this specific case to make a statement in general is an error.

[pnwmom]

126. I think the guest was as bad as the brides.

This is all the first bride said -- not that terrible compared to what follows:

One of the two brides wrote: "Heyyy I just wanna say thanks for the gift but unfortunately I can't eat any of it lol I'm gluten intolerant. Do u maybe have a receipt?"

His response to her:

“Hi , I want to tell you how incredibly insulted I am in both of the messages you have sent me over the last two days. (Bride 1), I am sorry that you have intolerance to Gluten, I am sure that makes life difficult at times. However, to ask for a receipt is unfathomable. In fact it was incredibly disrespectful. It was the rudest gesture I have encountered, or even heard of.”


Wow. All that because she tactlessly asked for a receipt? The rudest gesture he's ever encountered? He's apparently led a sheltered life.

And then there were a bunch of angry three-way back and froths in which nobody comes off looking good, including this gem from him to the lesbian brides:

“I don't care what you or anybody thinks, you should just be happy your sham of a marriage is legal dude!”

http://www.thespec.com/news-story/3845206-have-your-say-about-the-firestorm-over-a-wedding-gift/

[MineralMan]

130. Yes. Tacky all around.

I hadn't seen those messages. Pretty much ugly throughout the whole exchange. I'm glad I wasn't there.