Hey, know any good lawyer jokes?

[NightWatcher]

What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
















A good start.

__________________

I'm so tired of all the attorney media types who are spouting their nonsense 24/7 re this trial. I've several lawyers in my family and circle of friends and they all speak of the shame these idiots on tv bring to their profession.

[malaise]

1. That lawyer lied so much that even when he died

he was lying still

[Cirque du So-What]

2. Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?

No?
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[ProdigalJunkMail]

3. lawsuit humour...

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!"












The defendant answered, "No, we won."

[Cirque du So-What]

4. You know the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?

With the skunk, you'll see skid marks.

[Cirque du So-What]

5. You know the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?

With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

[Cirque du So-What]

6. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Rottweiler.

[Cirque du So-What]

7. A lawyer was involved in a serious accident

When a first responder arrived, he heard the lawyer moaning, 'my Beemer, my BEEMER!' Noticing that the man's arm had been severed, he told the lawyer to remain still until he could administer first aid. The lawyer looked over, saw his missing arm and said, 'my Rolex, my ROLEX!'

[kentuck]

23. :-)__~~%

Good one!

[DefenseLawyer]

8. Lawyers suck unless you need one.

TV pundit lawyers are mostly hacks. That said, when I see you wishing that I was dead I am slightly troubled.

[WestStar]

15. 98% of all lawyers

give the other 2% a bad name.

[NightWatcher]

19. That's right. I wasn't making a joke

Except that I was. Like I said, I've several in my circle of friends and pondered law school myself after finishing my criminal justice degrees.

You read all that and concluded that I want you dead? With that attention to detail I hope to god (atheist), I never get you as my defender...I'd get the chair for a parking ticket.

[DefenseLawyer]

32. Lawyer jokes don't bother me.

We can take it. Obviously I knew you were trying (emphasis on trying) to be funny. I just think is kind of interesting how many lawyer jokes involve the lawyer suffering a horrible death. There really aren't many other groups you could substitute for lawyers in jokes like these and still tell them in public. "What do you call 100,000 (insert group here) at the bottom of the ocean?" Try a few and let me know.

[Cirque du So-What]

20. Don't worry

When it comes down to 'who you gonna call?', your services will always be in demand - all kidding aside.

[mahina]

21. I feel the same

and am not a lawyer, nor could I really aspire to being one.

Respect to the good lawyers.

[Nevernose]

26. I'm married to a lawyer

Who do you think I hear all of my lawyer jokes from?

[Cirque du So-What]

9. Little Johnny and his mother were walking through a cemetery

when they came across a headstone that read, 'here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.' Little Johnny turned to his mother and asked, 'Mommy, why are two men buried in the same place?

[Cirque du So-What]

10. It was so cold last winter

that I saw some lawyers outside with their hands in their OWN pockets.

[Skittles]

11. what's the difference between a carp and a lawyer

one is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish

[Cirque du So-What]

12. Dear Abby:

I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem: I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: how do I tell my fiancé about my brother the lawyer?

[broiles]

13. Psychologists are starting to use lawyers instead of rats

because:
they are marginally cleaner,
and you don't get so attached to them.

There are many more reasons but I forget.

[tblue37]

17. See my #16 post below. nt

[Cirque du So-What]

14. What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A rooster clucks defiance.

[tblue37]

16. Scientists have decided that from now on they will use lawyers instead of rats

for scientific experiments. They have three reasons.

1. There are more lawyers than rats.
2. You are more likely to get emotionally attached to a rat than to a lawyer.
3. There are some things you just can’t get a rat to do.

[Cirque du So-What]

18. How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are documented case histories.

[PopeOxycontinI]

22. Some surgeons are sitting around...

They are discussing who like operating on the most.
One surgeon says "I like librarians, all the organs are in alphabetical order"
another says "I like electricians, all the organs are color-coded and stand out
very easily.
The last one says "I like lawyers, everything is so simple since they have no brain,
no spine, no heart, and their head is interchangeable with their ass."

[TorchTheWitch]

24. don't listen to the media

problem solved.

[Nevernose]

25. What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The diphthong.

[hootinholler]

27. Nope! They don't write jokes about good lawyers

Now I have heard a few Bad Lawyer jokes.

[Lucinda]

29. Well done!

[hootinholler]

30. Thank you!

[Zorra]

28. Attorneys have been exceptionally kind to me when I have been a victim of legal system

injustice, working for free or almost nothing because they understood what was happening.

However, there was one really bad lawyer who did me serious dirt.

This is dedicated to him.

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!” The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”

[sandpan]

31. My lawyer works for...

Dewy, Cheatum & Howe

[WinkyDink]

33. Did you just open the 1960 Joke Vault?!

[hobbit709]

34. Engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're
an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular
guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down
there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten
down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a
lawyer?"