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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsGrandfather Writes Letter To His Daughter After She Kicks Out His Gay Grandson
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/02/grandpa-letter-gay-grandson_n_4029750.html
Boom!
LiberalLoner
(9,762 posts)SharonAnn
(13,776 posts)The only problem is that the tone of his letter is so accusing that it doesn't give her room to reconsider and her "automatic" response will be to defend herself. And when she does that, she will reinforce her belief that "she was right" and it will be even harder for her to change her mind.
I've learned over the years, after many things of this kind, that "a soft answer turn away wrath" and gives the person room to reconsider. We have to think about whether we want to justify our own cause by accusing others and laying blame on them or whether we want that person to open up their heart and try to change it.
For example: "I'm sorry to hear that you've asked Chad to leave your house because he "came out" and told you that he is gay. Chad is a wonderful young man and you can proud of the person he is, even though you're shocked about his sexual orientation. I believe that our sexual orientation is something we are born with and that he could no more choose it than he could choose his hair color or eye color. I know that some religions condemn people for having this orientation but I cannot believe God condemns any of us because of something we cannot change.
Please give serious thought to this and I hope you can find it in your heart to accept him for the wonderful person he is. In the meantime, I treasure my wonderful grandson and he will always have a place in my heart and in my family."
This gives the grandfather the opportunity to stand up for Chad, to express his feelings about this, and doesn't directly criticize the daughter. And it doesn't disown her but keeps the door open for a future conversation or relationship if she wants to have one.
murielm99
(30,745 posts)She needs a chance to relent, and this is too harsh. Later on, she may judge herself harshly, and apologize for her attitude. I think it is better if we are hard on ourselves, and accept forgiveness from others. Later on, the pain and hurt feelings can fade away.
Your post is perfect!
Bernardo de La Paz
(49,007 posts)Note:
Grandfather says "grandson to raise".
It sounds like the son is very young and has been abandoned by a mother.
That's brutal.
Even so, grandfather leaves the door open.
derby378
(30,252 posts)Now is not the time to mollycoddle Chad's mom with kid gloves. Time to read her the Riot Act.
the_chinuk
(332 posts)If there was ever a time for tough love, this is it.
If she ever wises up, I'm sure she'll be welcomed back prodigally
after all, the door is left open in the penultimate line here.
And, we all say harsh things in situations such as this.
But that is something I would say if that happened in my life.
pnwmom
(108,980 posts)I'm glad he's taking care of his grandson, but he had a better chance of reaching his daughter over time if he'd handled this differently. And his grandson would be better off in the long run.
Tigress DEM
(7,887 posts)AND with some kids, parents understand IF their child will even listen to a gentler tone.
My thought is the Mom of the Kid in question probably ONLY understands how hurtful her behavior is when she's on the other side of it.
Hopefully there is a Grandma to do the diplomatic work between Father and Daughter
I posted this same letter in LGBT and got so little replies. It might as well be combined with this thread.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/113732203
cui bono
(19,926 posts)with a TPer and giving them an earful, mocking them and making them look stupid. Not the way to bring them around.
Nanjing to Seoul
(2,088 posts)I've learned that these kind of people do not normally change their minds, so public shaming works even better.
Neo-Nazis won't change their minds. Neither will homophobes like this troglodyte of a mother.
pnwmom
(108,980 posts)in the first place.
Just because he loves his grandson and is enlightened on the issue of gay people doesn't mean he was equally kind and understanding with his daughter all her life. People can be awfully inconsistent.
the_sly_pig
(741 posts)Fight fire with fire in this instance. Although disowning her own child probably was the best thing she could do for him.
joeybee12
(56,177 posts)The Second Stone
(2,900 posts)Sounds like this mother is not very loving.
jehop61
(1,735 posts)Such a very sad commentary that this family is breaking apart. Pray for them all.
sir pball
(4,743 posts)Grandson gets a loving, caring, nonjudgemental family still, and the inhuman thing that calls itself a "daughter" has been utterly rejected by the most deeply important person on Earth to "her".
Now "she" gets to know the feeling "she" gave "her" own child, and that pleases my admittedly dark soul to no end. If I were to pray for anything, I'd hope "she" has a very, very long and lonely life.
AtheistCrusader
(33,982 posts)I have to hold out hope that even the darkest hearted, most horrifying of people can change.
Perhaps this will be the reality check she needs to start to change.
sir pball
(4,743 posts)But I do have a jaded, cynical, some say dim, view of human nature...if "she" is willing to disown her own son because of his "abominations", "she'll" likely write off her dad as a "gay-lover" or somesuch. I think that heart is too hard to be broken.
It would be the happy ending, but pardon my French, that's usually just some Hollywood shit.
AtheistCrusader
(33,982 posts)Hopefully she, being the grandfather's daughter, and a product of his upbringing (I presume, possibly not the case) she might not be too far gone to see reason.
Grandpa sounds like an eminently reasonable and tolerant fellow. Hopefully she didn't fall too far from the tree.
beerandjesus
(1,301 posts)freedom fighter jh
(1,782 posts)is nonjudgmental?
OldRedneck
(1,397 posts)Life is hard.
You can't save 'em all, especially those who don't want to be saved.
Grandpa did the right thing.
AlbertCat
(17,505 posts)..... there's no rule that family members have to get along or even like each other. I know. I grew up in a loveless marriage. A family is just a bunch of people who share DNA.
backscatter712
(26,355 posts)jtuck004
(15,882 posts)that choice on her own. No tears for that.
On the other hand, it sounds like there is a new, very solid and supportive family forming, and that is definitely something to be happy about.
Iggo
(47,558 posts)That's hardly nothing.
leftynyc
(26,060 posts)I'm glad the grandson has him around.
City Lights
(25,171 posts)Thanks for sharing!
malthaussen
(17,204 posts)I'd like to shake his hand.
-- Mal
Demo_Chris
(6,234 posts)Zorra
(27,670 posts)awoke_in_2003
(34,582 posts)do not fuck with grandchildren, we granddads won't stand for it.
Tikki
(14,557 posts)No contact of any kind since..he is now 11 years old.
If she were to come back there would be rules and grandpa would set those rules
and she would have to follow them to a tee...
The Tikkis
unionthug777
(740 posts)woe, and i mean serious woe, to those who would hurt my grandsons.
awoke_in_2003
(34,582 posts)I have a stepdaughter who is screwing up big time and I may have to pull the trigger on a custody battle. My grandson is 12, and at that age the judges tend to listen more to what the kid wants.
abelenkpe
(9,933 posts)I will never understand why anyone would choose an ideology, religion or another person over their own child. There is nothing that would make me want to hurt, or push my kids away or ever stop loving them.
Thank goodness for that grandfather!
AlbertCat
(17,505 posts)or any child...
Ego...selfishness
AnneD
(15,774 posts)I know because I witnessed Grandpa tear my dad a new asshole one day (they didn't know I was nearby and could hear them.)
Dad made a snide remark about how Mom raised us (they divorced when we were young). He was absent in both presence and financially. Mom never said much -nothing to his family but word got back.
When he said that, Grandpa never raised his voice but he was beet red and shaking with anger. "I don't know where you got your ideas of what a father is suppose to be or do for his children, but you never got them from me. Bobbie has done the best with what she had, no thanks to you and I will not have you say a bad word about her in my presence ever again." I loved him even more after that, but I never said a word about what I had seen.
I deal with young kids every day and I am amazed that parents toss their kids out of the house for this. We have had kids couch surf at friends houses (ours too) because of this. They basically 'sleep over' at a friend's house to stay off the streets while trying to finish school.
I am amazed at the way people think their kids are disposable.
BillyRibs
(787 posts)GIRL! Get off your arse and call you're Da!
HughBeaumont
(24,461 posts)backscatter712
(26,355 posts)Religion poisons everything!
arthritisR_US
(7,288 posts)Sissyk
(12,665 posts)I think I love you, grandpa!
sabrina 1
(62,325 posts)LeftNeckChick
(7 posts)As they say, many qualities skip a generation. Apparently, being intelligent, open-minded, and awesome does too!
dickthegrouch
(3,175 posts)My Dad always made sure to invite me to dinner with his anti-gay mother when he was visiting her. He would not tolerate any lecturing, harassment or other unpleasantness while I was there.
His explanation: "As her son, this is as much my house as hers. My house is as much yours as mine."
I loved my dad and miss him tremendously.
Diclotican
(5,095 posts)Are_grits_groceries
A Great grandfather, no doubt about it.
Diclotican
stevenleser
(32,886 posts)oberliner
(58,724 posts)50/50?
progressoid
(49,991 posts)If it's real, who scanned it so the whole world could see it? Dad? Daughter? Grandson? Other?
50/50 might be generous.
dembotoz
(16,808 posts)do not know if i hope it is real or not.
if not would be nice to know one less family tore apart.
if so kuddos to grampa
do not like the disown the daughter part
close off chance for reconciliation
my family loves to kick kids out
they know they are welcome here
Are_grits_groceries
(17,111 posts)and drop shite on all the posts you wonder about there.
I think you will find enough to keep you busy with your twee minds.
LittleBlue
(10,362 posts)That letter is depressing.
TrogL
(32,822 posts)I swear the Rabidly Religious Right has paid positions for people sitting posting this nonsense.
Mariana
(14,858 posts)They have plenty of True Believers who'll do it for free.
DeSwiss
(27,137 posts)The part of my previous letter to you about disowning you I said in haste. I realize now that I was hurt that I had apparently raised a daughter who would disown her flesh and blood because he is gay. That was wrong of me. Two wrongs don't make a right. And for this I am sorry.
Everything else I said I meant. Chad and I will be here for you, if you ever change your mind.
Dad
pnwmom
(108,980 posts)AtomicKitten
(46,585 posts)Warpy
(111,277 posts)Go, grandpa! He's not alone, either, I have online friends doing the same thing, getting a gay grandson who was kicked out at 15 educated and ready to face the world. I also know a stepdad who took his stepson in after the pious cow he divorced kicked him out.
Grandpa must be an old Boomer and I'm damned proud of him.
It's just a reminder of how many great men there are out there.
grantcart
(53,061 posts)malaise
(269,054 posts)What a grandfather
rhett o rick
(55,981 posts)Swede Atlanta
(3,596 posts)it isn't out of the realm of possibility.
I have a female friend whose sister threw her teenage son out of the house when he came out to her. She is a born-again Christian (so she claims) and says that he is going to hell.
My friend, his aunt, took him into her home. She is disabled after a drunk driver hit and paralyzed her. She lives on very limited income but she took him into her home. She did the best she could on very little money. But what she couldn't provide in games and clothes and fancy things, she gave him in unconditional love.
He is now in his late 20s. He graduated with honors from a state university and is now working on a master's degree. He has a good job making about $50K a year.
He is living with his partner and they are very close to my friend. They plan to marry in New York next summer. They live about 2 hours away from my friend but drive there once a month to clean, do laundry, chores, etc. for her and they pay her rent every month.
She will be front and center at their wedding. He hasn't had any contact with his biological mother since she kicked him out of the house and she will not be invited. His father's whereabouts are unknown.
I ask you which of these two sisters was following the Bible (whether you believe it or not)? It wasn't the evil sister who threw her son out because he was born gay. It was the other sister who, despite her own physical and financial challenges, took him into her home.
As a Christian and a gay man I don't understand these people. I try to forgive them as I should but somehow I just can't. It is a failing on my part but I can't forgive a parent who discards their own flesh and blood because of who they are, who God created them to be.
roamer65
(36,745 posts)Good for her and God bless her.
DiverDave
(4,886 posts)I simply cannot understand how, by being honest, that this woman could not love her son enough to take him as he is.
I have 2 boys, if either (or both) told me they were gay I would thank them for trusting me.
I LOVE my kids, and thats for keeps, you dont get to take it away, ever.
How someone could do that is so far from my comprehension that I cant even grasp it.
My children are loved in this house and whoever they fall for will be just as loved.
Gramps is hurting, I bet, I salute him.
Hug your kids tonight, because there is one boy that wont get that from the people who are supposed to do it forever.
My heart goes out to Chad.
How can anyone not love the babies that you brought into the world?
I could NEVER do what she did, never.
derby378
(30,252 posts)These are not the actions of parents who love their children, but simply consider them to be "inconvenient" for one reason or another, all of which are worthless.
Something tells me Chad won't be homeless - Grandpa will see to that.
DiverDave
(4,886 posts)and I know that I felt that way when my mom threw me out.
Not for being gay but to go into the army at 17.
I was as glad as her to get out.
We mended that fence and had a great relationship until she passed away several years ago ( man has it been 5 years this month?)
She was an alcoholic and our relationship had to work around that.
I'm just flabbergasted that someone could do it, is all.
Chad is lucky he has a gramps that loves him.
Some folks just shouldn't be parents.
I saw a interesting story in that Movie "Freakonomics" about the reason for the reduced crime rate in states that had easier access to abortions and that less unwanted children = less crime in the 18-35? age group.
It makes sense as the police said it was because of the 3 strikes law (which is racist IMO)
Sorry, this got a bit away from me.
Anyhow, have a good one,
Dave
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)so that is good. otherwise i was good with the letter.
sorry for the grandson but glad he has his grandpa.
roamer65
(36,745 posts)Ball is in her court now.
The son is lucky his grandpa is so supportive.
B Calm
(28,762 posts)LostOne4Ever
(9,289 posts)Though I do wish he had said something along the lines of
"I won't disown you like you did to him, but I forbid you to come see us again unless you are there to beg for the forgiveness of your son and make amends!"
Or something along those lines.
JimVukovich
(6 posts)Sad to know any parent would divorce themselves from a child simply because of his or her sexual identity.
I applaud the grandfather. I applaud the grandson who happens to be gay. Two thumbs down for that ignorant and heartless mother.
I hope for their family's sake that the mother becomes educated, comes to her senses and begs for forgiveness. Shame on her.
Martin Eden
(12,870 posts)This is from a mother who did not reject her gay son
http://www.andrewtobias.com/newcolumns/000504.html
Sunday, April 30, 2000
By SHARON UNDERWOOD
For the Valley News (White River Junction, VT)
Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people.
I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.
My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.
He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.
In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.
You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.
At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.
If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?
A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."
You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.
He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.
You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.
How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage.
You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.
The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"
Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?
The Second Stone
(2,900 posts)That is wonderful
bigwillq
(72,790 posts)Sharon Underwood is a hero.
Martin Eden
(12,870 posts)IMO it's the best letter I've ever read in support of a gay family member (though the OP in this thread is outstanding as well).
freshwest
(53,661 posts)KansDem
(28,498 posts)"So, while we are in the business of ______ our children..."
ladyVet
(1,587 posts)When my oldest son was a baby, my fundy ex-DH (I'll leave it up to you to decide what that "D" stands for) and I were watching him toddling around the living room. XDH out of the blue says if he turned out gay he'd kick him out of the house.
I was stunned for a minute, trying to figure out what the dumb ass was talking about. After a sec, I turned to him and told him he'd be the one going out of the house, because I was never turning my back on my child.
I must be a glutton for punishment -- or crazier than even I believe -- because I put up with that fool through 14 years of marriage and countless affairs, not to mention the emotional abuse.
KansDem
(28,498 posts)But sorry to hear of your time with XDH...
William769
(55,147 posts)yurbud
(39,405 posts)Instead, i would say something like, "I would be uncomfortable visiting your home where my grandson isn't welcome. I would be glad to have you visit me if Chad doesn't mind and you can behave like an adult and not like the cruel, ignorant child this action makes you look like.
I am your father and I will always love you, but I am profoundly disappointed and embarrassed by this behavior and feel like I failed you a father because I didn't see this moral vacuum in your soul and try to help you fix it before you could do harm to others, including your own child.
Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)Jamastiene
(38,187 posts)Lydia Leftcoast
(48,217 posts)I learned that about 1/3 of them had been disowned by their parents for being gay. They were called "the throwaways" in contrast to the "runaways," who were usually fleeing abuse.
When the agency tried to reunite them with their parents, the parents would say that they could come back only if they stopped being gay. One couple said that their son could come home if he joined the football team, which struck everyone as unbelievably clueless, especially since he looked more like a gymnast than a football player.
If there's no relative or friend to take them in, being on the streets can be a death sentence. Almost all underage street kids get into drugs or the sex trade, either because it's the only way they can make money or because it's a way to numb themselves. As a result, they get STDs, including AIDS, overdose on bad drugs, and are subject to violent assaults, even murder. Only a little more than half survive to adulthood without dying or being incarcerated.
Bernardo de La Paz
(49,007 posts)Divine Discontent
(21,056 posts)God bless that young man and I'm thrilled he has a grandparent who has no fear, and stands up for the fact that his grandson was born gay, and his mother must except that, or kiss the family goodbye, which hopefully, she'll come around to the right way...
http://www.zazzle.com/shutdown_the_gop_by_voting_in_2014_government-128195183613839642?rf=238107662556833486
Divine Discontent
(21,056 posts)DFW
(54,405 posts)But no danger of that because my wife would never have married a man who was capable of that attitude in the first place.
freedom fighter jh
(1,782 posts)If this is the way she raised her, it's no wonder that she's mean spirited and unaccepting.
TNNurse
(6,927 posts)so I am looking at this from the outside. It appears to me that this man is hurt and disappointed in his daughter. He is responding with pain and sadness. Maybe he knows the way to get his daughter's attention. We should probably stay out of it.
HockeyMom
(14,337 posts)She has a brother and sister who are gay. Her 1st cousin, my daughter, is gay. She is a STAUNCH Catholic. After NY passed Marriage Equality, she went on a tirade on Facebook about what an abomination this was against God. Her, I, her brother, sisters, and both my daughters got into a big fight with her over this.
Know this. So many of them go on and on about gay marriage, BUT they pick and choose their outrage. How about the contraception mandate? Nope. Her husband got a vasectomy also an abomination according to the Church. Her parents divorced and remarried in civil ceremonies. Is she "horrified" by THAT? Nope. I told her all this to SHUT HER UP, and yes, she did, and does not talk to me any more. BTW, her own husband does not agree with her at all and has said so.
My daughter married last month in a small ceremony. When she told my sister-in-law that she had gotten married, her Aunt was very upset. Because she was against gay marriage like her daughter? No, she wanted to GO to her wedding. My sister-in-law, who is 67 years old is far, far more accepting than her own (religious) daughter.
My daughter made a very astute comment on her cousin who has 3 teenage daughters. "Given how many gay people we have in this family, did she ever consider that one or more of her own daughters just might be gay?" "What will she do then?"