Would you let your adult child or parents live with you?

[MrsKirkley]

I've read that multi-generational households are becoming more common. I'm curious about how common this is and the effects it has on dating for single parents. What would you do if you had an adult child who wanted to live with you for awhile? Maybe they just graduated from college and were looking for their first job or wanted to pay off student loans. Maybe they lost their job and are going through cancer treatment. Maybe they and their spouse want to spend 2-3 years saving a decent sized emergency fund or for a down payment on a house. Would you allow it? Do you think the majority of parents would or would not allow it? Would you allow your parents to live with you? If you were single and looking for someone, would you date anyone who had family living with them or would that be a deal breaker?

[ForgoTheConsequence]

1. Yes.

I have and I would. They are my family and we look out for each other.


Dating wise; If I liked someone enough I wouldn't care what their living situation is, I'm not that shallow.

[OriginalGeek]

67. And on the flip side

if I was single and dating and a date had a problem with my adult (handicapped) daughter living with me then she'd be on the "used to date" list.

[ForgoTheConsequence]

74. Nice!

That's the way it should be!

[Rex]

2. Hell no! I would feed them to the lions for a $20!

[lumberjack_jeff]

39. Heh. +1

[Go Vols]

3. I would if ever need be,

but I don't see it happening.

[Kaleva]

4. My parents are dead and no way would I want adult children living with me.

[GreenStormCloud]

5. Yes, to both.

Until a few years ago my mother lived with us after Dad died.

[Arkansas Granny]

6. Of course. I have in the past and would again.

There would be some exceptions, I suppose, but the bottom line is that family helps family. I've done the same for close friends.

[HereSince1628]

7. Re offspring...I would, I am not sure that the SO would let her daughter live with her.

They are SO much the same that they cannot be contained contemporaneously in a small space.

I think it's a matter of atomic physics, critical mass and the nuclear bomb.

[Brother Buzz]

8. As long as the remote control device remains in my hands

[Fumesucker]

55. A man with a firm grasp of the important things in life

[nolabear]

9. Allow them? I'd welcome them!

If the need is there and I can be of help, so be it. I'd hope families are lifelong things, and we'd all give and receive care as circumstances change.

Sure, I can see scenarios where it might not be possible, but not in any of the real circumstances of my life.

[pnwmom]

79. Great answer. n/t

[datasuspect]

10. that's just what decent people do

[Iggo]

34. ^^^ This.Right.Fucking.Here.

[nomorenomore08]

50. +2

[etherealtruth]

11. Yes to both

... it is my current situation.

I am also a single mother (youngest child 17).

[Prism]

12. It's not even a question

When I was in my mid-twenties, I moved in with my parents. My mom was being treated for breast cancer. My dad worked nights then, so I was there to keep watch and take her to early morning radiation.

Now, if my parents' needed it, I would happily have one or both live with me.

It's just what is done. Families take care of each other.

A big item of discussion is how much my parents want me to move back (I live in Cali, and they're in Chicago). I keep saying I would never go back without a job waiting for me. They're all "we'd love to have you live here!" No, thank you, but no. Not in my 30s, lol. But they would happily have me.

[Luminous Animal]

13. My adult child does live us and it is a good arrangement.

[Sheldon Cooper]

14. I am very private, and being comfortable in my home is paramount.

My adult daughter would always be welcome to move back home, and her children too, if she had any. No matter what the reason. But I really would not want any husbands or boyfriends also moving in, so...that could be awkward.

My mother would be welcome to live with me, but that would likely only happen over her dead body. She's as private as I am and would be mortified if she ever had to live with her children. (I wouldn't be her first choice, anyway. I have many siblings and she'd only be comfortable with a couple of them. I'm pretty far down the list. )

I wouldn't have a problem dating someone who had family living with him, but if it were to become serious that could be a deal breaker, for the above reasons. And if my adult daughter wanted to date, I would not allow her to bring anyone home for sleepovers - she'd have to stay at his place.

I guess overall I'm pretty uptight about my domicile and who is living there.

[Skidmore]

15. I have already done this.

My children lived at home until they completed college and had found employment. I moved my mother in when she was diagnosed with cancer and cared for her at the end of her life in my home. I have opened my home to my sister, her husband, and their two children when they lost their jobs and they stayed for a period of time until they could find work and housing. I did this at a time in my life when I didn't have much myself, bu I would do it all again because the ties that bind us are greater than my individual needs. We have a responsibility to and for one another. In what world could I turn my back on the mother who gave me life and raised me and who had never asked anything from me? In what universe would it be acceptable for me not to provide the assistance my children needed to get them on their way? In what reality would I turn my back on a young family with toddlers and no home or income?

BTW, I have lived with a multigenational family for an extended period of time during my young adulthood. In the insistence on the nuclear family as being the desirable unit in this culture, we have deprived ourselves and our communities of much enrichment.

[arthritisR_US]

16. Yes, been there, done that, doing it. nt

[gollygee]

17. Kids yes, parents no

Living with my parents would lead to me getting divorced. Not gonna happen.

[Freddie]

43. My thoughts exactly

My Dad (91) has dementia and is in a nursing home but even when he was well he was always a difficult person. I'm happily forfeiting any inheritance so he dosen't live with us.
My kids and their families and pets would be welcome anytime. Our house is fairly big and we'd find a way.

[MineralMan]

18. I would, but that's me. I'm not much into trying to

tell others what they should do about that kind of thing. That's really their decision.

[Blue_In_AK]

19. Two of my kids lived here briefly

after they were adults. They also have lived in the other half of our duplex on various occasions (the youngest is living over there now). While I didn't really mind them living here with us, since it was relatively short periods, the duplex is best. They have their privacy but they're close enough to keep an eye on things when we're gone and to help out around here as we get older.

I've always rented the apartment to friends or family. They pay me about $300 a month below market and I pay utilities. It covers most of my mortgage and they get a good deal.

[KittyWampus]

20. Yes, this is a multi-generational household. Not easy, but it is what it is.

[reflection]

21. Absolutely.

My mom brought me into this world and let me live with her, she can live with me when it's time and I'll try to make her exit as loving and comfortable as possible.

As for the kids, they are teenagers now, but if they are not trifling around and need a place to lay their head when they are older, they can stay as long as they want as well.

[riderinthestorm]

22. Yes! Have done it. Would happily do it again. nt

[notadmblnd]

23. I have a sister (55) and son (20) living with me

My mother (71) keeps threatening to leave her husband and move in with me. she says that he chases her around the house for sex and she's sick of it. I just keep telling her that she won't be happy here either.

[randome]

24. Kids, yes.

But I would do anything -ANYTHING- to keep my mother away from my living space. No way could I stomach a psychological basket case cat lady.

Except on Mother's Day and Christmas. And then the event is held somewhere other than in her roach-infested hoarder's palace.

There! I said it and I stand by it!
[hr][font color="blue"][center]Treat your body like a machine. Your mind like a castle.[/center][/font][hr]

[bunnies]

27. lol. My mother is the same way.

Lucky for me, she's thousands of miles away. Ugh. That smell. Screw that.

[randome]

30. I knew there would be someone who'd understand.

[hr][font color="blue"][center]Treat your body like a machine. Your mind like a castle.[/center][/font][hr]

[bunnies]

35. I definitely had a "someone like me!" moment when I read your post.

I just *love* when she posts shit on facebook like: opened the kitchen drawer and found some kittens! Ive no clue how she lives like that.

[otohara]

25. Yes and Yes

but in the case of our kid, he'd have to get a job to help pay for food at least.

[FarCenter]

26. Yes, have done. Also, my grandparents lived with us when I was a kid.

[laundry_queen]

28. I've lived with my parents as an adult

as an adult with 4 children, to be precise. Honestly, it wasn't the best situation but I didn't really have a choice at the time. I moved back in later when I was transitioning from a rental to a duplex I had built. It was a bit better that time.

If my kids wanted to move in with me as adults? Okay. Fine by me. I think I'd be happy if they never left, LOL. I'm definitely not the type who can't wait for their kids to grow up and move out (why have kids if you can't wait till they leave?).

I'd also be okay dating someone who lived with family. Of course, there would be a lot depending on what the situation was. If I'm dating a guy who lives with his mom because he was laid off, or because he's going through a divorce that's okay. If he lives with her because she still controls all aspects of his life, then I don't think the relationship would go far anyway. If I'm dating a guy who has adult kids living at home with him that's okay too, so long as if I ever move in we all get along. I've lived with a lot of people over my life, including my parents, in-laws (easier than living with my own parents! lol!) and my ex's friends and I've discovered I'm pretty easy-going and can live with anyone so I don't think this would ever be a major problem for me. I enjoy having people around. The more the merrier, so long as you have reasonable boundaries.

[pnwmom]

81. When I get to be my mom's age I hope people will want to help me out

in one way or another. (She's in her 80s.) Live close enough to have a relationship, anyway.

So how could I turn them down now if they needed help?

[handmade34]

29. With Open Arms!!

the more the merrier

[sinkingfeeling]

31. Of course. I've had my son return home a couple of times. I invited my

Mom to live with me, but she declined. And I'd think a lot more of a person who had family living with them.

[polichick]

32. Yes to both, temporarily...

But imo people need their own space, so I wouldn't be as enthusiastic about either adult kids or parents living with me permanently. I'm very close to my family - and want to stay that way.

As for the dating question: For me that would depend on the reasons and the relationship of the people involved. There's a lot of this going on with things so tight for people - and there have always been siblings who share space in college or when just getting started.

[Iggo]

33. I already do.

[fadedrose]

36. Yes I would, and I did . . . nt

[ruffburr]

37. In todays world-

It's called survival, So whatever it takes and yes it is the new america

[Tikki]

38. One never left…he is 38 years old..

The other became 'the single dad' and he and grandchild lived with us for 3 years…

I grew up with literally no family…so maybe I am being too much of a push-over
but, these adult children grew up in this house. As far as I am concerned, it is their
home, always.


Tikki

[woodsprite]

40. Yes, but then I lived in an extended family situation growing up.

So it would be nothing unusual for me. I'm pretty sure my hubby would be the one that would have issues with it. He would be happy being an empty-nester right now, but seeing as our youngest is 13yo, and we're saving $10K per year with our college-aged daughter living at home and not on campus, that's going to be awhile.

[cynatnite]

41. If they needed to, yes I would...

I expect that someday it will be me taking care of my mother at some point in the future. My sister lives too far away and in the boonies. My mother would hate that.

[lumberjack_jeff]

42. I would love it. But I'd love my kids to be independent even more.

If they ever need me as a safety net, of course, it's their home too.

[Recursion]

44. "Let"?

I married into a south Asian family; that's just what happens. Family members take care of each other.

It's actually incredibly liberating to break free from the American idea that that is some kind of aberration or failure. It sounds like a wonderful idea.

[haele]

45. I'm of an older generation. It's no biggie.

That's what family is supposed to do. My brother lived with my parents for five years while he was going to college and first starting out to save up for a car and a place of his own. He had no problems dating, because it was pretty clear why he was living with his parents, and no one I know has a problem dating someone who is working for a future...
Likewise, if Mom will start to need some help, or if the kidlet couldn't make it work with her baby-daddy and needed to move back in, Laz and I wouldn't mind setting aside a place in our home for either situation.

Even if I were of the latter category in your question, single, and dating someone who had family living with them or was living with family, I'd consider the circumstances. Most cases, it should signify someone who is thinking ahead and/or has consideration for the wellbeing of his or her family members.

Now, if the guy I might be considering going out with was a basement troll - a moocher or troubled loner living off indulgent parents - that would be another story altogether.
I don't do "rescues" - that's taking on too much of a burden, and the person being rescued will always blame the rescuer if things don't work out. I might be friendly, or help them out if I can, but I'm not rescuing anyone from themselves.

Haele

[truebluegreen]

46. Have already done so.

[hunter]

47. Of course. My grandma was the most disruptive person I've ever known...

...she could afford good nursing homes but good nursing homes would refuse to keep her. (She'd been removed from her own home as a danger to herself and others. The police and paramedics had dragged her out kicking, cussing, hitting, and biting. Frighteningly she had guns but it wasn't in her nature to kill for meat unless she was hungry.)

Then mostly she lived with my parents.

It was either that or drop grandma off in the wilderness. But that would have been cruel to the wildlife. And she'd probably have returned home anyways, riding a grizzly bear or wild horse, carrying an even larger baggage of chaos with her.

My mom has told me and my siblings that if she's ever as bad as grandma to throw her in a volcano. My grandma put my mom through hell. If we'd ever thrown my grandma into a volcano it probably would have spit her out unharmed and crazier than ever.

Seriously, my grandma understood only a few things in life: horses, dogs, wild animals, and hot metal. Ordinary human interactions, except for the wild animal kind (including sex when she was younger) were entirely unimportant in her personal universe. She was a feral creature unless she was working with animals or welding. She made a career of welding, starting on the family ranch, switching to the shipyards during World War II.

She lived long enough to see my wife and I married. I was terrified that she'd disrupt our wedding somehow, especially in church, but she only said a few wildly inappropriate things to various people (including the priest...) and seemed to have had a good time. I believe she was observing the human wildlife.

My wife and I both come from families that take care of one another. We've had friends and relatives living in our own house and we will again.

Who knows? Maybe someday I'll be that crazy relative. I've been close to that a few times, but first they have to catch me... I'm pretty resourceful about food and safe places to sleep. I've lived in my car in a church parking lot, an empty apartment when a family I'd been living with ran off because they couldn't pay the rent They didn't tell me, and it was just before final exams. I came back and they were gone. So I camped out a few weeks ready to jump out the window if the landlord showed up. Then I lived in a garden shed in someone's backyard.

Seriously, my kids and parents and various other people are welcome here anytime if our dogs approve of them, they can tolerate the usual chaos, and they don't smoke. The smoking, I can't do anything about that. Intellectually I can tolerate it, but my body's biology responds with very severe asthma. (I'm already taking enough hard-core meds for that.)

[ScreamingMeemie]

48. My dad just moved in with us last December.

The pros are that I no longer worry so much about him, although he is a very lively post-cancer 69 year old. He is my best friend on earth. He can help out with football practice, driving kid to school, etc. He has his own life. This is important when one has a grown family member move in with them. Treat them like adults. I don't need to know where he's going and who with. I see that so often (the wanting to micromanage the lives of grown adults - whether it's a parent or a child - when they live with you).

The only con? He records a lot of television on the DVR, which bumps my stuff off if I don't save it.

It should never be a deal breaker and, if it is, that person wouldn't be worth the time anyway.

I am grateful for this extra time I get with my dad.

[MADem]

84. We have a rule in our house--doesn't matter if you're eight or eighty...

If you leave, you let someone know where you
are going--put a note on the fridge, whatever, with an estimated return time. No micromanaging/dirty details, necessarily, but a general itinerary.

Also, staying out all night? Call so no one paces the floor with worry.

Everyone under our roof abides by this rule, no one minds, and it really works for us. It's non-negotiable, too.

It certainly obviates those "worry wart" moments!

[JDPriestly]

87. Agreed. Those are the rules. Everyone keeps safe that way.

[Left2Tackle]

49. Yes, but as the saying goes, "my house, my rules."

And I think most parents would allow it. And if I was dating someone, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. But again, that would depend on the situation.

[ScreamingMeemie]

71. Seeing as my dad is a grownup, he gets to make his own "rules."

[Yo_Mama]

51. Of course. Family is family

I am considering taking in an unrelated older man when he gets too old for his living situation. Sometimes family is adopted.

What is life worth if it's lived alone, and who wants to live in a world in which people feel alone, abandoned and afraid?

[demwing]

52. Of course I would

they are the closest relatives I'll ever have, I love them more than anything, and most importantly--I'm good friends with them.

If they ever need to lean on me, I'd be excited to be there for them.

[upaloopa]

53. My wife's mother lives with us

[catrose]

54. The President can say the same

I think it's a wonderful example, and I know it's been good for everyone to have her in the White House.

[Aerows]

56. Yes

I love my family, and there is nothing I wouldn't do to help them.

[Codeine]

57. My children can stay as long as they are full-time students getting decent grades.

No adult child will just hang around my house for long, but going to school is fine. If they want to pay rent while they save some cash and get established then we can work with that.

My parents will not be welcome to live in my home. I'm not a fan of that sort of lifestyle.

[hunter]

59. I sense some family dysfunction here...

... the dynamic in my family is entirely different, people run away from home to find work or go to school and escape the chaos.

Three of my siblings "ran away from home," two at sixteen, one at seventeen.

I was just an occasional homeless guy sometimes living on my parent's porch with other random misfits appearing and vanishing for mysterious reasons. My retired rocket scientist grandfather got my bedroom when I moved out. My little brother and his S.O. got the master bedroom when my parents retreated to the desert. My parents now live in a remote rain forest in a house I've never visited, but they do have an internet connection. If they ever land at our house I won't be upset, we'll make room for them, but it would be unexpected because some of their progeny live in more interesting places. Likewise, I could just show up at my parent's house or any of my siblings' houses with no definite plans.

Childhood memory: We were living as indigent U.S. Americans in a public park in France. I was a very self-conscious and easily embarrassed middle teen. It was bad. People were feeling sorry for us and giving us food. The local authorities bought us tickets to England to get rid of us. Our family made them uncomfortable and none of us spoke French. We'd left Franco's Spain in the middle of the night, which is how we ended up in France. (My parents paid our debt to France a few months later with very generous interest.) Later Franco died. Years later one of my siblings revisited Spain and it wasn't a problem. My mom always tells people what she thinks, which was a BIG problem in Franco's Spain. My brother is like that too but not so much trouble in Spain now.

Our oldest kid has graduated from college and immediately got a job in another city. Our kids wanted to go away to college, leave our boring small city, and they did what they needed to do to get there.

[MADem]

85. You sure had a colorful childhood!

I lived in Franco's Spain, myself. You didn't eff with the Guardia Civil--they could be very brutal indeed.

I was living there when Kennedy was murdered.

It's a much different country today. I keep meaning to go back for a visit, I haven't been back there since the nineties.

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

58. I have been trying to get my elderly parents to move in to my house for years

I even had a separate accessible apartment built for them. My attitude to women who didn't like it would be the same as to women who didn't like the "vermin" I kept as pets.

[Nay]

60. Our son, his wife and baby lived with us for a year until he got back on his

feet. (2006=job gone). We were happy to do it and we got along pretty well. They were good about cleaning up after themselves and having baby here was wonderful.

Now they live a few blocks away, so we're still in each other's laps!

I was going to have my Mom live with us after she got out of physical therapy, but she died the day before I was going to go home to fetch her. So, yes, I would have done that, too.

BUT. . .I hated every roommate I ever lived with when I was in my twenties. I had such awful experiences that I wondered if I would ever be able to live with anyone at all, for any reason.

[treestar]

61. I'm like the Waltons

Always yes. Extended family is good.

[AnnieBW]

62. I Have Two Little Reasons

Why my mom wouldn't live with us - both of them have four legs. I own cats. She hates cats. The end.

[LittleBlue]

63. Hell yes

My parents gave me a life. They've given me more than I can repay, so it's the least I could do.

Same way with my in-laws.

[JaneyVee]

64. Yes. Of course.

[liberal_at_heart]

65. my father does live with me. There's no way he could afford to live on his own. We have learned not

to talk about religion or politics. He is an evangelical Christian, and although he won't admit it I believe he is a republican. He watches all the televangelists and FOX news. My mother in law lived with us for a while but her spending addiction was too much for my husband to handle so he told her she couldn't live with us anymore.

[ChazII]

66. Been there

and have done that. It was (and still is) for medical reasons that my family is together. As to would I allow it -- that is a no brainer the answer is obviously yes.

Edited for spelling

[Kali]

68. I have 2 of 3 kids back home now.

Would gladly have had my Mom but both my parents are gone now. Neither I nor my father could have handled living together.

I moved here with the husband and first born to take care of my Grandfather, so we started our family as an "extended" one.

[LaydeeBug]

69. Yes, in a New York minute. In fact, I want us *all* to live together.

The Waltons sounds much better to me as I age.

[politicat]

70. No, though we would help financially.

My mother has severe seasonal affective disorder and Raynaud's syndrome. She cannot bear to live anywhere with fewer than 325 days of sun, or she gets really sketchy, and she's like a cat -- 90 F is sweater weather. Colorado has not quite enough sun and we get snow, which she hates, and it gets cold. I got the genetic cocktail -- I hate heat, I get a sunburn in strong moonlight, and I love cool to cold wet weather.

Mom's also a Merry Widow (now, after having grieved) and likes her gentlemen. I think she has iffy taste in men (who do treat her well and she seems to like sweet, big and not too bright). I tolerate her gents for her sake, but they're much easier to tolerate when we're in separate states.

She, on the other hand, hates my diet, my music, my books, and my wardrobe. She finds my politics incomprehensible, my academic interests baffling, and my means of accomplishing tasks Doin It Rong. If we were sharing space, we would drive each other bonkers.

I am more than happy to send her money; if she was local, I'd cheerfully help, but we are better for each other when we are not in close, daily proximity. We learned this between my 13th and 18th birthdays; confirmed it when I was in my twenties.

I don't have kids; if one of my nieces needed shelter, I would consider it, but on a peer to peer relationship. But I'd rather, if niece graduated with poor prospects, that she accepted our financial support and went Peace corps, Americorps, to MSF, or similar. That, more because the opportunity to do that sort of service comes only once, and I want them to take big bites out of life.

[Jamaal510]

72. I would, except

my apartment has only one room, and it is against the rules to allow someone to live here with me. Plus, I doubt my parents would really want to stay very long here in Arcata, anyway; they told me that they want to live somewhere with more stores and less rain.

[Bobbie Jo]

73. In a heartbeat.

As long as I have a roof over my head, so does my family.

[Lugnut]

75. I already do.

I'll never do it again. I don't think she will either. It was an emergency situation that ended up being two years at this point. She is very well educated with a masters degree but can't find a job in her field. The few responses she's had to resume's ended up in interviews but no offers. Most of the time she never gets a response to her applications. I feel terrible for her but there's nothing I can do to help her. She's working temp jobs to pay her bills and keep her car on the road but they're a far cry from what she's trained for and needs. I keep hoping something comes through for her soon so I can get my house back and she can be doing something she loves.

[gopiscrap]

76. yes, we have let our adult child and his wife live with us before

[elleng]

77. Fine with me.

I'd like the company, and I like them all.

[pnwmom]

78. Yes, and don't forget siblings.

I've had them, too. And even non-relatives who needed a place to stay.

[SheilaT]

80. both of my parents are long gone, but I could never

have lived with either of them as an adult.

I now have two grown sons and I'd actually love having them live with me again. Have no idea how they feel about it.

There's no one right answer to the question, because all families are different, the various relationships will be all over the place, and a lot would depend on how old the family members are.

[MADem]

82. Story of my life. It's fine with me, we're family oriented.

American culture takes issue with this type of arrangement, and the children have a compelling need to separate. In many other countries this is just not the case.

As the child gets older, the parents just back off a bit and let the kid have more space. There's less drama.

[pnwmom]

83. Once our kids hit college age

we don't make them pretend they don't have a SO when they visit here (or live here, in the case of one). The first time this happened, our younger son was a little surprised, but I pointed out that this meant that when he was in college, he would also be able to bring anyone home, and we wouldn't say anything.

We're comfortable with this because all three of our children have always had really nice friends. I'm sure it would be much harder if I couldn't stand the friend or SO.

[JDPriestly]

86. I'd love it! Our children lived with us after college in order to save a bit of money and while

in graduate studies. It was great. Love my kids. They are wonderful! Always were.

I'd be happy to have them live with us. In-law children are just as loved as my own kids.

I invited my mother to live with me. We get along very well. But she likes to live on her own. She is very neat. I suspect that she doesn't like the mess of all my books, etc. My husband and I have a house full of books. And a garage too. Lots of books. We have both always loved them. My mother had her fill of books everywhere because I learned my love of books from my father. So I would love to have my mother live with me, but she is not interested. i think it would be fun.