So one of my FB frenemies lost their mother today, and this is what he said about her

[LaydeeBug]

(This shows insight to a tea bagger, and this one is fully fledged. Promise) This is heartbreaking, so I want to be supportive, and again, I think it shows some valuable insight. I am not all that sure how to respond to this. Really.


(start quote)
Hey Tom..Really????? Seriously?????? Have you lost your memory??? or are you suffering from Alzheimer's. It took me forever to let go and try and forgive, still not quite there, but I will never forget. Maybe you somehow got lucky and you were spared the most cruel childhood anyone could have gone through. I guess we are entitled to our own beliefs and opinions, but come on. You speak as though she was a mother to someone. I do give her credit for giving birth to me. But I can not think of 1 single happy memory with her. She stole my father from 4 of us. Sorry, Jesse, this has nothing to do with you and I. I am still watching my sibling suffering from the things that woman did to all of us. R.I.P my ass! Yes I pray. I pray that she suffers for what she did. In todays world, she would be serving consecutive life sentencing in a Federal Prison for child abuse. I bit my tongue all day before I wrote this. Again, Jesse, this has nothing to do with you. I could go on for days with this, but I am done. Hope I haven't offended you. Your Dad, after years had gone by, did apologize to me for his part in our sad upbringing. I have completely forgiven him. But still again, I will never forget. I understand now why he went along with your mothers wishes. But he should have stood up to her and helped us out. Instead, he beat the shit out of us for being a kid. You are one of the blessed that was able to grow up and live a somewhat normal life. I am proud of you for that. You just don't know the half of went on even before you were born. The woman was pure evil!!!

(end quote)

[BainsBane]

1. I wouldn't respond

The person has a lot to work through, and nothing you can say will help.

[elleng]

2. I wouldn't respond.

Sad story. Am familiar with a somewhat similar situation.

[LaydeeBug]

21. I am so sorry to hear of this elleng. You certainly deserved better, or your familiarity should have

nt

[elleng]

73. Surely didn't happen to me, LaydeeBug.

I had/have a wonderful family. Happened to family of an acquaintance. Fortunately that person survived, and in spite of it, thrived.

Thanks.

[aikoaiko]

3. I'm not sure that being horribly abused has any connection to political inclinations.

There are certainly many liberals that I know who suffered greatly as children.

Eta: I wouldn't get involved in his rage and grief except to say that you hear his pain and anger and wish him well.

[LaydeeBug]

5. It gives insight into his spitefulness. Some who suffer thrive on inflicting suffering

I think it's telling

[NoOneMan]

7. I think its sad

I think its sad what they might of went through. I think its sad that they felt that was appropriate immediately. I hope they find peace

[liberal_at_heart]

8. That goes to the heart of it. People who are hateful are often in pain. Instead of being

hateful back the best thing is to be compassionate.

[Jamastiene]

48. Thank you.

Sometimes, it helps to step outside of ourselves and try to see where they are coming from. You can hear and feel the pain coming through in a lot of cases. Compassion is much better than judgement, imho.

[LaydeeBug]

19. THIS. Me too. I want him to know that should never have happened to him and he deserved to be loved

and I *mean* that.

[WillowTree]

14. Even if you walk a mile in his shoes, & you apparently haven't, you're still not qualified to judge.

It sounds as if he had a pretty miserable youth. Some people are never able to fully overcome that. The best thing that you can do for him and yourself and the universe would be to wish him healing and peace.

[LaydeeBug]

17. Why are you saying that I am judging him? Seriously! I am not. thanks. nt

[WillowTree]

22. Your repeated references to his "spitefulness" say otherwise.

What you see as spite could just as easily be a desperate defense mechanism against the pain he apparently can't escape. How could you know the difference?

Give the guy a break. There but for the grace of God, and all that........

[LaydeeBug]

25. Oh he is very, very spiteful, and celebrates that fact, so, um…no

and I haven't gotten on his case to need to give him a break. But thanks.

[WillowTree]

27. Wishing you some peace of your own. Merry Christmas!

[LaydeeBug]

28. Thank you for that, I wish peace for you as well. Happy Holidays. nt

[LaydeeBug]

26. Here is what I said:

some of the hardest things to do is forgive someone who never apologized, or even thought they've done anything wrong. Rightie, you survived something unspeakable. No one ever should have abused you, and it's so important that you know it. I hope and pray that you do. We don't agree politically, but I hope you know that YOU have value, and she should not have hurt you. The pic reminds me of Whoville, as in "Horton hears a Who", for what it's worth

[Katashi_itto]

41. I've no sympathy for him. I was the product of an abusive childhood. I am ultra liberal

I don't wish ill on my fellow man through embrasure of foul politics. On how you DEAL with his post? I've no Idea although I commend you for thinking about it.

[WillowTree]

51. I understand.

Anyone who doesn't respond/react to an abusive upbringing is obviously just a lesser person than you and is, therefore, deserving of your scorn. I get it now.

Carry on.

[Katashi_itto]

75. Whatever snark you like

Last edited Thu Dec 26, 2013, 06:11 AM - Edit history (1)

I am not the one flinging shit,

[Tuesday Afternoon]

4. I would not reply to that.

[LeftyMom]

6. You're judging somebody for not grieving his abuser in a way you approve of?

If you can't mind your own damn business you should at least refrain from cutting and pasting a loved one's private pain onto a heavily trafficked web forum.

[LaydeeBug]

10. Spare me your fucking sanctimony since they posted it in a MUCH HEAVIER trafficked website,

and I wasn't judging a fucking thing or a fucking person.

i noticed YOU were though.

Please.

[LeftyMom]

12. Oh trust me, I'm judging the shit out of you.

I feel terrible for your relative though. Probably he'll feel guilty later for not missing his abuser. Abuse victims are generally pretty good at judging themselves harshly and disrespecting their own feelings, because it's what abusers train them to do.

[LaydeeBug]

15. Judge not lest ye be judged. I noticed you wrongly referred to them as my relative…not surprising

what with that rush to judgement you made.

Shew.

I know the feeling victims have to their abusers is complicated. I didn't want to ignore it, but I didn't want to respond in a way that made it sound like I was rubbing it in, because we are complete political opposites, and have gotten into some pretty heated battles.

[countryjake]

9. Wish him peace and be done with it...

there's nothing you could say that would make his pain go away. The traumas left over from child abuse can linger a lifetime and finally, heighten with the passing of the abuser. He's sorting out many sharp memories and hopefully, time will help him heal.

[LaydeeBug]

11. That's exactly what i did. I told him he was a survivor...

I told him this:

some of the hardest things to do is forgive someone who never apologized, or even thought they've done anything wrong. Rightie, you survived something unspeakable. No one ever should have abused you, and it's so important that you know it. I hope and pray that you do. We don't agree politically, but I hope you know that YOU have value, and she should not have hurt you. The pic reminds me of Whoville, as in "Horton hears a Who", for what it's worth

[JI7]

13. i don't get what this has to do with politics , i'm sure there are abused people on both sides

politically.

[LaydeeBug]

16. As I said upthread, it gives insight into his spitefulness.

I might edit the OP to include that…because the timbre of the OP is not meant to reflect a relationship between abuse victim/politics, just insight as to why this one in particular is so spiteful

[JI7]

18. not really, even on DU there have been similar comments from people with abusive parents

i don't think one has anything to do with the other.

[LaydeeBug]

20. I hadn't noticed that at all. But I try to take each thread that I read as it comes, and rarely

know who is 'in' with whom, or who is a survivor of this or that or whatnot.

[MADem]

23. If that wasn't posted on the "PUBLIC" setting at facebook, I'd just delete this thread.

What's the point of rehashing an individual's pain at such a vulnerable time? This is between "Tom" and "Jesse" and whomever, it's not really our business.

People often say things they don't really mean when under extreme stress. People can say things that sound horrible when others don't know the full context, too.

I think this thread is voyeuristic at best. I'm mainly posting in it so I don't get called to a jury on it in case someone decides to hit the button...it's just too sad and awful and personal.

[PeaceNikki]

36. No shit. It's now searchable on Google. Really inappropriate.

[tammywammy]

45. Agree, this should be deleted.

[cthulu2016]

24. This seems to be a rather maliscious OP

[Skittles]

29. starting with "FB frenemies"

ugh

[LaydeeBug]

37. It's not. nt

[PeaceNikki]

40. I disagree. It's totally inappropriate to copy and paste this person's words here.

I am not sure what you are trying to accomplish or what point you're trying to make, but it's really tacky.

[LaydeeBug]

46. I disagree with that altogether. I also find it off-putting that you don't know what I'm trying to

accomplish, when I straight up fucking said it.

Tacky is as tacky does. There's that. smh

[PeaceNikki]

47. You could have paraphrased or summarized the discussion. To C&P is terribly rude.

And, as has been stated throughout this thread, abuse and how individuals deal with it is not political. It's personal.

Go ahead, shake your head. Be off-put by my (and others) disgust of your actions. Right back atcha.

[lunasun]

68. and no political slant -just someones pain not worked out for so many years >Maybe now after death

I often have seen a lifting on others with similar issues .... 'a great woman' to one child can be remembered as 'a monster ' to another esp. if there is a big age gap
Parent people can lose it or clean up their act over the years sometimes
So either way it is an entirely different person each child is dealing with.

People think they know other folks' family but they don't have the same exposure 24/7...then think it has something to do with the person's politics
Debases their own politics imo

[Journeyman]

30. "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." ~ Leo Tolstoy . . .

I can't offer any suggestions. This person has a long, difficult path ahead, trying to reconcile their expectations with their realities. If your perception of his situation permits it, and he is open to commentary, you may help him by being as supportive as possible. If I'm reading him correctly, he seems uninterested in other's opinions at this time. Give him room, but if you care for him at all, make him aware you're available for him should he need it.

[joshcryer]

31. LaydeeBug, please don't be offeneded...

...but I don't think DU is an outlet for FB drama and stuff. I sincerely think you post FB posts to debunk them here but I think this is sort of over the line. We don't know this person, the post isn't public (I searched for it, if it was, it would show up).

You want one last piece of advice from me about how to respond to this FB post? Don't. Close it and move on. Individually hide that person's posts from your feed (top right of the post, with a down arrow that looks like a fat V). Just forget them. You don't have to unfriend them as clearly I think you have many friends on FB that you want to argue with, but you should at the minimum hide them so that they don't distract you and compel you to reach out to DU to help you "rebuff" them.

[LaydeeBug]

35. I am not offended joshcryer, and I hope you won't be that I disagree with you

As I stated before on this thread, numerous times (and notedly, prior to you posting anything at all) I wasn't going to ignore it, and the calls for me to censor myself are hyperbolic to say the least.

Distract me and compel me? wow.

just.

wow.

Maybe you didn't mean for that to sound so condescending? I am not sure. You'll excuse me when I say that if you are uninterested in what I post, there is an ignore button right here, and then you won't be distracted I guess.

[TBF]

52. Joshcryer is correct -

This is all really inappropriate.

[pnwmom]

32. Was the writer a step-sibling of yours?

Who are Tom and Jesse?

To know what might be a supportive response it would help to know how close you are to the writer, and whether you knew that the mother was abusive -- and that your dad was abusive to the writer. And, if you are a sibling, are you older or younger?

I disagree with some others here that the proper response is just to ignore all this pain -- IF you are close to this person. If this person is a sibling, I think you should respond, if you can. But what you should say depends a lot on what your place is in all of this, and how much you already knew about the situation.

On the other hand, if you were just reading posts between other people and you're not close to the writer, then I agree -- you don't need to say anything.

Along these same lines, did you happen to see this obituary? It got a lot of attention at the time.

http://gawker.com/this-brutal-obituary-is-a-reminder-to-be-good-to-your-c-1286582748

Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick born Jan 4, 1935 and died alone on Aug. 30, 2013. She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.

On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.

Most of us have found peace in helping those who have been exposed to child abuse and hope this message of her final passing can revive our message that abusing children is unforgiveable, shameless, and should not be tolerated in a "humane society". Our greatest wish now, is to stimulate a national movement that mandates a purposeful and dedicated war against child abuse in the United States of America.


______________________________

The writer might be interested in this article about the family. They would understand how the writer feels.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/13/marianne-theresa-johnson-reddick-obit_n_3921058.html

[joshcryer]

33. If it's a "frenemy" a supportive response could be more painful.

As it could come off as insincere. The OP openly mocks the person as a teabagger. That's the only reason said to ignore it.

If they haven't had spats before then OK I agree maybe I am over the line.

I agree if it's a sibling a supportive response is necessary but that requires consistency in the future, and not having spats for some time, so either way unlisting is a good thing because you never know if they'll post some teabagger stuff a week from now which you might want to argue with, etc.

[LaydeeBug]

34. Thank you for this post…Upthread I've included my response more than once, so I won't post

it again.

After that, I will just say that the calls for censorship are just silly.

Honestly. Truly. and Really.

Also, I included that response prior to a LOT of these postings. The other thing about his thread (and I changed the names, so who Jesse and Tom are doesn't really matter) are the people who posted "Sorry for your loss. I am sure you have many beautiful stories to reflect upon this holiday season" and the like without even reading what he said.

90% of the replies were that.

I didn't want to ignore it (I am kind of surprised at how many people said that, but to each his own, and I can't ask for advice and then direct what the advice is, I can just take the advice or not, yanno?)

[cherokeeprogressive]

38. May he know peace now that his abuser has passed...

[LaydeeBug]

42. He responded. Thank GOD it wasn't misconstrued

His hurt will plague my mind for some time. I wish him peace. Really. Deep, honest tranquility.

Here is what he said:
tyvm everyone (sorry I had to post the true facts)...and tyvm LaydeeBug I never let hard feelings bother me , they are wasted moments in life... I love(d) my mother ...she did make me , so have a very nice Christmas Day everyone

[Sheldon Cooper]

39. What are you asking for?

Do you want us to give you advice on how to respond to this? I'd say leave it all alone. This person is obviously in pain, and unless you are in his family, you need to butt out. Let him work through his feelings at his own pace.

Why do you feel that you even have the right/duty/obligation to respond to him?

[LaydeeBug]

43. I am not asking for anything now. I already responded. I won't ignore something because it's 'messy'

that's just not how I roll.

Upthread I included my response. He also responded. I am grateful for all of the advice here…even the advice I didn't take.

[Codeine]

44. Failing to forgive an abuser isn't spiteful.

I will never forgive the person who who ruined my childhood or those who - by inaction or cooperation - enabled that abuse.

Ever.

[LaydeeBug]

49. Oh I agree with you, but he is indeed, and in fact, very spiteful…like single mothers should have

mastectomies on top of weekly drug tests in order to get welfare. They should be willing to do this if there is a real need, in his opinion.

This would stop the cheaters, he said. <<<----this is the tip of the iceberg. It gets worse, and now I see why, or part of the reason why. I don't say 'spiteful' with this context lightly, but the truth is the truth. there are many, many, many more unsavory examples but they are beside the point right now.

I couldn't see something like that and ignore it. I didn't want to be a bull in a China shop about it. I came here for levity and it was an eye opening experience.

[PeaceNikki]

57. You came here for LEVITY? Levity? You wanted to make light of or poke fun of someone in pain?

Also - Mastectomies? Why does he want them to remove their breasts to get benefits?

I really hope that you picked the wrong word in both cases.

[LaydeeBug]

58. **Never** did I fucking say I wanted to make light or poke fun at him NEVER, but YOUR projection

is fucking noted.

Why he wants women to cut off their breasts for welfare benefits is simple and already fucking stated: he is spiteful.

Jesus. H. Christ. on. a. motherfucking. cracker.

on edit: damn autocorrect

[PeaceNikki]

61. Go look up the definition of "levity" and get back to me.

[LaydeeBug]

62. Go look up context and get back to me.

[PeaceNikki]

64. ooooooooo, buuuuuuurn

Here, lmgtfy:
Search Results
lev·i·ty

ˈlevətē/Submit
noun
1.
humor or frivolity, esp. the treatment of a serious matter with humor or in a manner lacking due respect.
"as an attempt to introduce a note of levity, the words were a disastrous flop"
synonyms: lightheartedness, high spirits, vivacity, liveliness, cheerfulness, cheeriness, humor, gaiety, fun, jocularity, hilarity, frivolity, amusement, mirth, laughter, merriment, glee, comedy, wit, wittiness, jollity, joviality

Like I said, I hope you had no idea what that word meant when you said you came here for that. I mean that sincerely.

[LaydeeBug]

67. People who claim the moral high ground should not be standing on a heap of bullshit when they do it.

context…MY levity, not his. Since my OP CLEARLY states that I am heartbroken by this, but *I* know, why don't you just *pretend* it wasn't there, so you can keep it up?

[PeaceNikki]

70. Well, that's even more disgusting. C&P'ing his words of pain to make yourself feel better?

Got it.

I will move along and stop kicking this disgusting cry for attention. Happy Holidays.

[treestar]

50. Odd that he's a tea bagger in that he doesn't seem to

have had a "normal" life, only his younger half brother did. Maybe she mellowed out in time and the youngest didn't have as bad a time. Sounds like the step-father was abusive too. Wonder how she "stole" the father of the elder four. Yeah, you'd think he'd have more compassion for others.

[LaydeeBug]

66. OMG! Thank you!!! This is what I thought too…and I don't know how the father was 'stolen'

and in the OP, I stated that I am heartbroken by this, because I am.

You have restored my faith in humanity this day. Thank you for that.

[tblue37]

85. By divorcing their father to marry the new husband, and presumably making sure the

kids' biological father had virtually no further contact with them, she would have "stolen" him from them.

[karadax]

53. Question: what are we supposed to pull out of this guys post that applies to teabagger insight ?

Maybe there are subtle things that I missed. Thank you.

[nadinbrzezinski]

54. This has none to do with political views.

There is a reason why children of child abuse who are taken by the state, at times go through extensive psychological treatment.

I am sorry that you decided to use an obvious cry of rage as a political football.

[TBF]

56. Not to mention taking a private

Post and putting it up here where anyone can see it with a simple Google search. Really nasty in my view.

[nadinbrzezinski]

59. It was on FB, so not necessarily private

But still, using this as an insight to the tea bagger mind is just low.

If I had my way, I would offer this gentleman a recommendation for a very good mental health pro that actually works with victims of both child and adult abuse.

[TBF]

69. Exactly. nt

[LaydeeBug]

60. How I wish you would have read the thread before jumping to conclusions

this seems to happen to me a lot.

[nadinbrzezinski]

65. Yup, others are telling you essentially the same.

Could it be what you posted? It's better at times not to say a thing, and not to cross post obvious cries for help, unless the question is how to offer help. And unless you are close, in this case offering it is not a good idea.

Now, to add, if you are close...find a time and place and do it in private and off the web.

[penultimate]

55. I don't see how person's political leanings are relevant in this case

None of us have any idea what this person went through because of the mother who passed away. I won't judge the person for being angry and unforgiving of the mother after her death.

Although, I personally stay away from posts like that on facebook no matter who posts it. I don't understand why people post such private shit for everyone on the internet (or at least their friends list/friends of friends) to see.

[Brickbat]

63. I think bringing his pain here for strangers to unpack is gross.

ETA: Also, as far as not knowing how to reply -- how do you usually reply to raw pain and despair?

[lunasun]

71. Who needs enemies with frenemies like this?????????

It was on FB true ,
but still to C/p to DU strangers
Seems you have responded to his statement by posting it here

[tammywammy]

72. I'm surprised this is still up. Tacky. n/t

[magical thyme]

74. this doe not show insight into a teabagger.

as posted above, it shows insight into the raw pain of somebody who grew up abused, and who has just lost their mother-abuser.

Severe abuse by one or both parents -- the people on whom babies and children are totally dependent, and who are their first experience of the world -- is the deepest betrayal and generates a wide range of deep-rooted emotions, any one of which is likely to reappear with significant trigger events. Rage and vindictiveness are just 2 of them.

Personally, I initially felt relief on hearing of my mother's death. I never dreamed of feeling relief or imagined it, nor did I expect it. So it came as a total surprise. Apparently I had carried a knot of fear in my heart for 58 years that finally, instantly released. I didn't even realize that knot was there until it released. I now knew in that moment, right down to my innermost core, that she would never hurt me again. Not ever.

Some years earlier, I'd written a snippet of short story with the main character going out at midnight to dance, sing, piss and defecate on her mother's fresh grave. But I felt absolutely no desire to do that once she was actually dead. For me, my nightmare was finally over.

I'd spent my entire childhood and young adulthood feeling guilty, because she made sure that we all knew it was our fault she abused us because we were so bad we made her do it. Apparently, my decades of guilt resolved, because I haven't felt even a twinge since she passed.

Some of the emotions you are able to work through during their lifetime. Others remain tightly controlled until something or other brings them to the fore.

And it strikes me as mean-spirited to spread that post around, and judgemental to label it as anything other that what it is.

[BlueStreak]

78. I don't know.

We have no way of knowing where the truth lies. What is clear is that this is a very disturbed person -- beyond the normal grief at the passing of his mother.

The very conservative types tend to have very little empathy -- practically no ability to put themselves in another's shoes. This is the most consistent characteristic of conservatives across the board. The flip side of that is a preoccupation with self.

Maybe it is genetic.

Maybe it comes from an abusive upbringing.

Or maybe this person was always narcissistic, and simply perceived a normal attempt at parenting as being abusive.

We don't know.

In any case, I certainly wouldn't reply to that person on a public forum. If the OPer is close to the person, maybe a personal phone call would be a good thing, but given the description as "frenemy", it doesn't sound like any contact would help at this point.

[winter is coming]

76. The best response would be to delete your OP.

I can't imagine it would be beneficial for this person to see their words broadcast on DU.

[seabeyond]

77. i do not know what kind of mom she was. i do not know what he endured. i know nothing.

why would i judge him his anger. i hope though, that he can put it somewhere and be able to live a life he might, we all, deserve.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

79. I have read posts from people here saying similar things about one or both parents....

Politics have nothing to do with it when someone is so deeply damaged.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

80. Sharing that is incredibly tacky.

I'd be embarrassed.

[AuntPatsy]

81. Interesting thread

At first I was amazed at the amount of individuals who took time out of their busy lives to basically attack you for what so many here have done before, which is of course sharing stories with other members of others which have on many occasions been cut and pasted "quotes" from others.

But then I recall why I seldom post anywhere on the net, the hypocrisy of so many is just exhausting to behold, unless the message is deemed okay by the reader instead of just using the forums for healthy debating of points of interest, far too many hold themselves to be the jury and then judge in order to past sentences, I assume it's easier then actually communicating in a far more interesting manner your points of view,

Hope you had an enjoyable holiday

[OmahaBlueDog]

82. Two thoughts

1) If this shows any insight into a tea bagger it is that they are human like anyone else, and struggle with crappy family situations like anyone else.

2) I have a rule.. I don't put any stock into anything said at a wedding or a funeral. Although this is not technically a funeral, I'd apply the rule. Both situations are emotional, and often have booze playing havoc with the filters normally applied to communication. In the emotion of these moments, family members often become demons or saints with no middle ground. In time, maybe this person will find perspective and forgiveness; perhaps not.

[840high]

83. Low. Unrec.

[Iggo]

84. His pain. His rage. His grief.

Let it slide.