Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony

[KamaAina]

Yes, it is The Onion.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/town-of-davenport-iowa-descends-into-hell-followin,19446/

Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.

According to state authorities, the nightmarish incident occurred approximately five seconds after a local pastor pronounced homosexual men Brian Palmer, 39, and Greg DeHaan, 43, married in the eyes of God, at which point a tremor registering 8.5 on the Richter scale ripped the earth asunder and Davenport's inhabitants were swallowed by a widening chasm, where they found themselves eviscerated on the fiery spears of 10 million shrieking demons.

"They tried to warn us and we didn't listen—Lord, why did we not listen?" said Rev. Kenneth Hanson, the clergyman who performed the unholy marriage, moments before being dragged into a bottomless pit, flayed alive, and devoured by Satan, the Great Deceiver. "All I wanted to do was provide basic civil rights and legal recognition to Brian and Greg, two people who love each other and have been together for 15 years. But I was wrong. Oh, so wrong!"...

Witnesses reporting from the scene immediately preceding the destruction of Davenport recounted a number of horrific sights, including demonic wraiths clothed in smoke and ash flying through the city's streets; homosexuals and heterosexuals alike being torn limb from limb by goat-legged imps, the skeletons of live dogs leaping from the creatures' bodies to feast upon small children; and a great wall of fire that spread from the altar where the small, private wedding ceremony was conducted in west Davenport and consumed all.

[bluedigger]

1. That's 100 shrieking demons' spears per sinner.

God must be pretty pissed.

[KamaAina]

2. Indeed She is.

[merrily]

3. Sad when there's barely any difference between the Onion and some of our

most famous religious and/or political leaders. (Listen up, Pat Robertson, Rick Santorum and the rest of you lot.)

Meanwhile, don't forget to google "Rick Santorum frothy substance" whenever you think of it. He may run again and we want that to keep coming up when his name is googled. According to Colbert, googling it a lot will ensure that.