More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, April Fool Edition (But That's Redundant)
Since today is April Fool's Day, and "Fool" And "Today's Republicans" are synonyms, time for another look into the world of right wing doublethink.
(No. 18 in a series)
The list that will continue to inevitably grow:
* Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Alan West, Todd Akin, Joe Walsh, Ted Cruz, Steve Stockman, EW Jackson, Glenn Grothman, Joni Ernst, and Mike Pence are intelligent, rational human beings.
Restating and updating some older ones for Micheal Brown and Ferguson, MO:
* Assembling peaceably and speaking out against the murderer of an unarmed teenager going free is an "unruly mob". Assembling to wave around assault weapons and scream angrily about "Second Amendment remedies" because the government wants to act against a deadbeat rancher is a "peaceful protest"
* "Walking While Black" is now a capital offense.
* You aren't racist; you're just sick of all African Americans being lazy, violent criminals who milk the system, refuse to be literate and speak proper English, and you think they were better off as livestock picking cotton on a plantation.
The right-wing outrage about the torture report--not the torture, the report--reminds us...
* Waterboarding is only torture when used against American soldiers in World War 2.
A reminder about a couple of past and potential future GOP Presidential candidates along with several others:
* George HW Bush, George W Bush, Jeb Bush, John McCain, Rand Paul, Steve Forbes, Connie Mack IV, and Willard Mitt Rmoney are all self made men and don't owe their success to anyone else's prior accomplishments.
On a related note (herf herf) I'm waiting to see if this one (an update of one for Willard Mitt Rmoney) comes true:
* Jeb Bush's experiences in education and immigration reform as Governor of Florida and his family history of government service are his major qualifications to be President. Actually talking about Jeb Bush's record in education and immigration reform as Governor of Florida, or his brother George W. Bush, are a liberal smear campaign.
And because apparently elections have consequences, but only when Republicans win:
* Bipartisanship means Republicans and Democrats coming together to do exactly what Republicans want.
More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
* More people participating in choosing who their leaders will lead to an authoritarian country, while less people having a say in who their leaders are better represents the desires of the populace.
* When Reagan and Bush 41 extended amnesty to immigrant family members, it was just and proper. When Obama extends amnesty to immigrant family members, it's a massive overreach and he's an out of control imperial president.
* Another capital offense: Selling loose cigarettes. Summary execution is allowed.
* The Bill of Rights reads as follows:
Article 1: Congress shall make no law promoting the establishment of non-Christian religions, or prohibiting the establishment and free exercise of conservative Christianity.
Article 2: The right of white people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
Article 10: States have the rights to ignore Federal laws they don't like, unless it's a Federal laws that conservatives approve of.
* You're not pissed off that the Bush Administration and the CIA broke international law and tortured people--you're pissed off that the Senate released a report admitting it.
* "Small government" = sticking stuff up people's butts to make them talk
* You're opposed to opening relations with Cuba because of their poor human rights record, but have no trouble with us torturing people at places like...Gitmo.
* Hillary Clinton (born: October 26, 1947) it too old to be President. Mitt Rmoney (born: March 12, 1947) is not.
* The Keystone XL pipeline is vital to America; so vital, in fact, that efforts to keep it from being built with foreign materials and to prevent the oil pumped through it from being sold to foreign markets must be opposed.
* An expensive pipeline to carry toxic sludge across the entire country is vital to American energy interests. An expensive transmission line to carry clean energy from New Mexico to other Western states is a threat to national security.
* "There is a mandate" = Republicans won the last election. "Be bipartisan and don't overreach" = Democrats won the last election.
* You're opposed to abortion, but think children in war zones are fair game.
* American teachers and firefighters protesting to keep their collective bargaining rights from being taken away are exactly the same thing as ISIS terrorists beheading people.
* You constantly scream about how President Obama and the Democrats are "weak on terror" but are just fine if the Department of Homeland Security is shut down.
* Just because Bill Kristol's record includes cheer leading for the Iraq War, and recommending Dan Quayle, Sarah Palin, and Tom Cotton for positions of power, doesn't mean his advice shouldn't be listened to.
* Christians are an oppressed minority. Gays and blacks are not.
* Your refusal to provide services to gay customers does not mean you're a bigot.
