ClickHole: Cruz Announced He’s Suspending His Campaign To Tend To His Thousands Of Glistening Eggs

[Miles Archer]

Ted Cruz Announced He’s Suspending His Campaign To Tend To His Thousands Of Glistening Eggs

http://www.clickhole.com/article/tough-call-ted-cruz-announced-hes-suspending-his-c-4127?utm_campaign=default&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=twitter



Well, this is an absolutely massive presidential campaign shakeup. Despite a relatively strong showing so far in the Republican primary elections, Ted Cruz announced this morning that he has decided to suspend his campaign for president in order to tend to his thousands of glistening eggs.

“I believe that I could have served the American people admirably as president, but at the end of the day, my throbbing, glistening eggs come first,” a visibly emotional Cruz said at a press conference in St. Louis this morning. “I need to keep my eggs wet with Sprite soda, and that’s incredibly time-consuming. I cannot in good conscience continue my bid for the presidency when I know that twice every hour I need to go into my garage, where my thousands of throbbing eggs shimmer in the dim headlights of the minivan I keep idling at all times, and I need to moisten them with Sprite soda from a spray bottle. My eggs have got to be wet with Sprite soda. I’m sorry.”

Cruz held a brief Q&A session following his announcement, and when a crestfallen supporter asked the Texas senator why he couldn’t get somebody else to care for his mountain of eggs until the election was over, Cruz responded firmly and pragmatically:

“I need to sing hymns to my eggs, I need to keep my eggs safe from cockroaches and other predators, I need to count my eggs, and I need to keep my eggs wet with Sprite soda. Most importantly, when the eggs hatch, I need to be there so that the hatchlings can devour my body. It has to be me. Thank you to all my supporters, and may God continue to bless this great country.”

[Iggo]

1. Sounds reasonable.

[gwheezie]

2. I've wasted countless hours

On you tube watching video proof that Cruz is a alien lizard hybrid and occasionally you can catch a glitch in his hologram shimmer if you slow down the recording.

[Orrex]

3. Wasted? Not at all! That's important research!

[shenmue]

7. Aha!

[Orrex]

4. That would be both the most sensible and least gross act of his career

[yuiyoshida]

5. is the "Clickhole" like

the Onion?

[Miles Archer]

6. Yes

Their stuff shows up in the Onion's Twitter feed.