Onion: Biden Making Plans To Go Completely Legit After Vice Presidency
Biden Making Plans To Go Completely Legit After Vice Presidency
WASHINGTONSaying he needed to turn his life around before ending up in deep shit, outgoing Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly hatching plans Friday to go completely legit now that his term in office has concluded.
Biden, who longtime aides confirmed had made numerous phone calls inquiring about good, honest minimum-wage jobs, vowed to cease taking part in a variety of scams and petty crimes and move far away from the nations capital, where he believed he could finally make something of himself and become a productive member of society.
Ive lived like theres no tomorrow for fuck knows how many years now, but mark my words, sooner or later, if I dont straighten out, some hardass will be throwing Uncle Joe in the joint or a pine overcoat, said the vice president, who expressed a deep sense of regret that his back-alley street dice game, his plum fencing racket, and his bootleg merchandise operation had caused so much pain for loved ones. Everybody knows trouble fits me like a pair of tight cutoffs that only cover half your ass cheeks. Ive done plenty of things Im not proud of, and a whole lot more that I sure as hell cant remember. Got nothing to show for it except a few scars, a bitchin spoiler on the Zam, and a rap sheet longer than my dong.
From now on, I gotta keep a low profile and steer clear of Johnny Law, continued Biden. Its time for Ol Joe to play it straight.
http://www.theonion.com/article/biden-making-plans-go-completely-legit-after-vice--55107