Sometimes I think I just don't care anymore.

[Tobin S.]

It's not a depression thing. I'm happier now than I've ever been. And, of course, I love my wife and care about those close to me. I still behave like a responsible citizen. I still vote and sometimes I give to charity. But there's a lot of stuff I just don't give a damn about anymore.

I think that's why I can't come up with a good story anymore. I used to be like Jesus, you know, minus the superpowers. I used to give of myself until it hurt. I was a sucker for every sob story out there. I had enough compassion to make a psychopath's heart melt. I got used a lot and I got scammed a few times. I was easy to take advantage of. I slowly started realizing that the vast majority of people didn't see things the way I did. I knew some didn't, but I thought that basically most people were pretty much like me- kind, generous, and concerned. Well, I can't afford to be saintly anymore and I know now that most people are just looking after themselves.

I can see a path, now, to a better life for me and my family. It involves caring less about what others think and do as long as it doesn't really affect me and my own. I guess that's somewhat more selfish than I've lived my life up until now, but it simply doesn't pay to be like Jesus. You've probably heard people say something to the effect of, "If Jesus were to come back today, no one would recognize him or care about him." It's true. "Jesus" is working at the community kitchens at your local churches. "Jesus" is volunteering his time to pick up litter on the side of the highway. "Jesus" is giving blood. "Jesus" is sitting in front of a computer and crying over a picture of a dead Iraqi child killed in the war. "Jesus" is forgiving the parents who abused him.

Nope, it doesn't pay. I wish it wasn't that way, but Jesus is here and no one can see him.

[Callalily]

1. You certainly care Tobin, you are still

the same compassionate guy, but your life has taken a different path. As far as your writing - you are in a personal transition period which will ultimately reflect in your writing. You will come through this transitional period with a different voice than before! But rest assured, you will begin writing again, and I'm confident with a stronger purpose, and your stories will be more compelling than in the past!

[Tobin S.]

2. I appreciate the kind words, Callalily

Last edited Sun Nov 25, 2012, 04:06 PM - Edit history (1)

And you're right in that I don't plan on stepping on anybody to get what I want as far as being compassionate goes. What I'm saying is that I'm no longer the bleeding heart variety of liberal. I don't think that's really normal in our society anyway. Like I said, most people are just looking after themselves.

If you want more out of life you have to be willing to work for it which is the way it should be. Seems simple enough but a lot of people don't seem to understand it. I'm on a mission that nobody wants to help me with. My mom once told me that as far as friends and life go, by the time you reach old age you will probably be able to count on one hand how many true friends you had in your lifetime. I think that's a genuine bit of wisdom.

As I said, this is not about depression. It's actually liberating and I'm happier in my life right now than I've ever been. Just to sit back and realize that I'm truly on my own with my wife as my team mate; to understand that if we are going to do well in life it is solely up to us; to see a path to success and realize that it is within our grasp; yeah, it's kind of liberating. I think of all the people out there who can't or won't follow that path for some reason or other and I guess I feel fortunate. I'm glad I live in this country.

It's all up to you. You have to know your strengths and weaknesses and then realize what you can do. I think a lot of people think it's all out of their hands. They don't feel as if they have any control over their fates. We have more power than we think.

[Denninmi]

3. I don't think it's selfish at all.

You know one of my three takeaways - be good to yourself, take care of yourself, you are worth it and deserve it. And no one, or very few, will do it for you. There is a difference between taking care of yourself and being selfish or a user of people. And don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of, it's ok to say no.

I am all about living that philosophy now. I see it as almost life or death. The old ways didn't work for me, this is and I feel good about it. Sure, I feel guilty at times, but I can't help anyone else if I am a mess myself.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - living that right now.

[Tobin S.]

6. Thanks, Dennis.

I'm so happy that you are doing well. I know how much you've been through.

[nolabear]

4. It's somewhere in between, Tobin. Be patient with yourself.

Some poeple are genuinely able to receive help in a way that they can feel and appreciate and that will have a real effect. Some are so damaged that they're a little feral, iykwim, and people are useful but not to be related to in a warm and empathic way. Being a little less sensitive can help you to filter and use your superpowers in ways that benefit both you and others.

And you're in transition. It's always tempting to believe that what we're experiencieng now is all there is, but trust me, it isn't. You'll find your voice again. Just practice listening. Even what you just wrote is interesting, how a person can feel like Jesus and lose that, and have to figure out how to be among the ordinary but no less wonderful.

[Tobin S.]

7. Thank you.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

5. I've helped people out before.

I stopped.
I got extremely depressed.I knew the sucking of my money and my emotions would never stop. I would never be paid back, either. So I had to cut people off which is painful.

[Tobin S.]

8. Don't cry.

If you don't respect yourself sometimes, nobody will. A true friend's friendship comes without a price tag.

[GoCubsGo]

9. Jesus never said you had to be a sucker.

It sounds like you are just becoming more judicious with your compassion. And, that's a good thing. Nothing selfish about not wanting to give anything to people who will use you or scam you. I think you've just gotten better at picking them out.

[Tobin S.]

10. 10-4

I probably sound kind of silly...like I'm apologizing for going after what I want in life.

[GoCubsGo]

11. Silly? Naw.

Maybe just a little too hard on yourself.

[riderinthestorm]

12. I used to fret about the friends and acquaintances I've left behind.

But after a few decades of experience, I'm more sanguine about it. You have to move forward on your own path and sometimes that means moving forward alone, without people you once thought were integral in your life.

What helps, for me at least, is the certainty that new and interesting folks are still out there for me to become friends with, to help, to learn from - and most likely for you - who will inspire you. Perhaps even inspire you in new creative directions.

This transition phase of shedding the old is part of life I believe. Some resist that cycle (death, divorce, long distances all come to mind as things that happen to people that aren't sought-after life changes). But whether one chooses to make big breaks with the past, or not, its inexorable and part of the process of evolving into a more complete human being.

Your new muse(s?) are waiting in the wings along with your "new" life's directions.

[Tobin S.]

13. Yep. I think I'll set that cross down now.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

14. I'm not feeling terribly intelligent today, my dear Tobin...

I just don't have the great insight into things that everyone else seems to have today. But I can say I respect and admire you for who you are.

And I am proud to call you friend, wherever you are on your life's path.

I'm always interested in what you have to say, too.

[Tobin S.]

15. Thanks, Peggy

And a published writer saying she's not too intelligent?! My, my. I'm not the only one around here who needs to lighten the load.

You're alright, friend. And I hope we get to see each other in person again. I'd love to introduce you to Jen. I think you'd get a kick out of her. Where as I'm all moody and introverted and stuff like that, she's outgoing and sunny. The perfect complement to my personality.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

16. Aw, thanks, Tobin...

I would love to visit you two. I know it would be a hoot!

Ah, the reason I'm down on myself is because I just had a bunch of poems rejected by a periodical that I really wanted to get into...So, there's that.

You are too kind.