I am Asexual

[silentwarrior]

what is platonic love?

Platonic love has been the subject of countless books and poems. Today, the terms platonic love and platonic relationship have come to mean a relationship between individuals of the opposite sex, marked by the absence of physical romance or sex.

A society like ours can look at platonic love with suspicion, but what needs to be understood is that platonic love is the transformation of sexual desire into other types of love. Platonic love looks beyond the physical body, and is based on the deep pleasure that can be felt in another’s company.

Platonic love does not condemn the physical, but depends on a spiritual, non-judgemental bond between two people – what they do with it, after the inner bond is made, is up to them – after all, philosophy says there are 7 types of love, so the possibilities are endless!

[darkangel218]

1. I'm glad you brought up this subject.

I think the true love IS asexual. Sex, no matter how many are trying to tie it to love, it really is just sex. The feelings of closeness can be expressed in other ways and be a lot more intense than sex.
I wish more people would put less emphases on sex in a r/s.
IMO, focusing on carnal pleasure only, reduces one's ability to spiritual transcendence.

[bluedave]

2. yep

[darkangel218]

3. lol! nt

[silentwarrior]

5. yeah

[Dash87]

24. One of YTMND's greatest

[silentwarrior]

4. Yes, I agree with you there

I have experienced intense attraction and deep love for both

male and female in my life and there was no sexual impulse at all.

I am quite content without sex.

[We are Devo]

37. Same here...

I consider myself asexual as well. I'm in a platonic relationship, best I've ever had. Best for him, too. We are happy!

[Scuba]

6. Your post makes sense, except for "platonic love is the transformation of sexual desire ..."

When you wrote "platonic love is the transformation of sexual desire into other types of love" I inferred that meant platonic love began as sexual desire and was then transformed.

Is that really what you meant?

[silentwarrior]

7. The relationship can begin

with sexual desire then move onto platonic love.

Also platonic love can be where there is just no interest
or desire to be physical with another person, yet still can
be a very fulfilling relationship.

[Scuba]

8. So it may begin with friendship, or some other non-sexual relationship too then?

And in only some cases does plutonic love begin with sexual desire??? Is that your position? If so, I agree.

[silentwarrior]

10. I have experienced both

sexual desire but not wanting to be intimate, if that makes sense?

For me personally, I have found the physical intimacy felt more like
an invasion.

[Denninmi]

9. Interesting concept.

Um, with all due respect, because everyone has their own way, I have been unwillingly platonic far too long. I learned some major life lessons this year, one is I really don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. And sex is a big part of a healthy relationship, in my opinion. I know some couples can be happily asexual, at least with each other, but I think that is a rare exception. Usually lack of intimacy causes a lot of strain in a relationship.

Personally, for reasons related to lack of self-confidence, my upbringing in an environment of chaos and abuse of both myself and my mother at the hands of my father, I was never confident enough to enter into many relationships with women, and the few with whom I was ever intimate or serious about had similar backgrounds and issues, so I guess we were co -dependent.

I am working as hard as I possibly can to change all of this. Physically and mentally.

[silentwarrior]

12. Hello Denninmi

I can understand a lack of intimacy in a relationship causing some problems if the relationship
was very sexual in the beginning and both partners expressed that sex was very important.

But I do believe that one can experience a healthy relationship without sex too.

[Denninmi]

15. I think you are correct about that.

I guess my only follow up thought would be that both partners would have to truly want it that way, and go into it knowing what the rules of the relationship are.

I just don't think many people have the emotional stability and introspective nature required to pull it off. To me, it seems similar to the type of deep spirituality that monks or nuns have through to years of practicing their faiths.

So, I think it 's certainly possible, just not common.

I say whatever works for someone in life without hurting anyone else is the way to go.

[silentwarrior]

16. For me personally

being asexual has nothing to do with spirituality, and I will never be a nun

I chose this lifestyle because I have no need for physical intimacy.

[MadrasT]

14. Sex can be a big part of a healthy relationship.

For some people, it may even be a requirement.

For others, it is not a key ingredient of a "healthy" relationship.

I honor asexuality as a completely natural and healthy way of being.

Evreryone is different.

[treestar]

18. I never liked that saying about being alone

Single people are not necessarily alone. Heck, I wish I had more time to be alone!

[nolabear]

11. There are many, many kinds of love. Many of them are "platonic" or non-sexual.

I always did think we should have more words for "love". Sex can be a destroyer of love, if we think it's the only natural progression for some types. Sex is a kind of possession, and with possession comes the fear of losing, and that is a huge polluter.

Some love objects can be thought of as muses, people who inspire great and creative feeling and may have no sexual realization of that feeling. Partners, real life partners, inspire a deep and wonderful love that has no connection to sex, or might include it very well.

Lord knows I've had a healthy dose of lust that has NO connection to love, and that I know belongs strictly in the realm of fantasy. I wouldn't realize it if I could because the fantasy would be spoiled if the option of love ever came into the picture.

SO many permutations...and an unusually serious and nice discussion for the Lounge. Thanks silentwarrior!

[applegrove]

17. That is how I roll. I am a muse. I simply

Last edited Sun Dec 2, 2012, 10:16 PM - Edit history (3)

don‘t want to be the hero or a main actor. I‘ve always hated being the starring person. I just want to help out. But I‘m not asexual. I am heterosexual who has enjoyed the odd crush. But with no desire for sexual intimacy or to be in a relationship. I‘ve tried to date men but always want to get out of the date and be by myself. I have a communication issue which means I cannot think very well while I am listening. So for many reasons I love being on my own. I love the idea of going on vacation on my own. I can‘t wait to get home at night. To be social I frequent social media on the internet. Such an introvert. I used to sublimate my introversion, acting like an extrovert if you can believe it. Alcohol helped. But those days are over. That is why I love getting older. I know and like myself. I'm the best me I can be. The ptsd seems to be passing but I still need wide open spaces.
And I feel so lucky to have had the wonderful, saintly, grandparents that I did have. I feel like these relationships with my ancestors and my family are all the relationships I will ever need. Healthy friendships are just an added bonus. Makes me quite clanish. Doesn't make me popular I know. But I have all the relationships I need. I am all filled up. Why mess with what works. I'm far to sensitive and honest with myself to put up with being in a relationship which does not feel like a natural fit for me.

[dawg]

21. Out of all the people who live inside my computer, you are one of the most special.

I have always admired your posts and your sense of ... I don't know ... serenity? You just seem like a really authentic person with a great sense of who she is.

[applegrove]

23. I've been through a lot and that and the drugs for ptsd keep me

pretty grounded. Yup. A call out the pharmaceutical corporations for inventing good meds and the doctors for what they do. It wasn't easy. Now if only we could get the veterans with ptsd the same help I would be happy.

[silentwarrior]

40. Totally with you on that post

[dawg]

13. To me, the platonic connection is more important than the physical.

I don't really know anything about relationships though. At one point, I thought I did, but I really don't.

[Denninmi]

19. Yup,

Except I never even thought I did. I pretty effectively screwed up my few decent ones, although there was never a chance long-term from the get-go. People that are only together because of a common bond of pain don't really work.

And other opportunities I blew. In particular, my "Mrs. Robinson" - did the right thing by refusing because I really couldn't picture being the guy in his late 20's having an affair with a married woman 22 years older than me. Not because of anything physical, she looked and acted about 10-15 years younger than her chronological age, but because I didn't want to go there - damn, I knew her son and daughter who were about my age, and I knew her husband. But a big part of me knows it was right to say no, but wishes I could have said yes. And I said no to her in her car in the parking lot of the motel she wanted me to accompany her into. Damn! Nothing asexual about me, except self-inflicted lack of opportunity, which I intend to change. Sorry, I spent too many years alone and lonely and thinking I was completely worthless as a potential partner.

In truth, I think I am caring, loyal, and open and honest and would be a good partner, even would have been a great father if things were different, I never would have treated a kid of mine the way my psycho father treated me. Trust me, nothing says "I love you" to your teenage son like having him pinned down and terrified on the business end of a shotgun with the trigger cocked while telling him he is a piece of shit who didn't deserve to be alive. But that was dear old dad. Big surprise I ended up bipolar and spent three weeks in the psych ward. At least I have the innate intelligence to fix my problems with a little pharmaceutical help, and I know I'm strong enough to deal with almost anything if I could survive dad. Well, will be a good partner in the future once I get totally past this thing that I really didn't need or deserve at 47. But things happen, you deal the best you can.

Sorry to hijack your thread, but at times I just need to get this stuff out.

[dawg]

20. From reading your posts, you sound like a great guy.

I think you're going to make a good woman very happy someday.

[Denninmi]

26. Thanks.

I'm trying to be worthy of that. I've had a really good role model here on DU. A guy I respect about as much as I loathe the memory of my father.

[Tobin S.]

22. I used to think I was. I was abstinent for 16 years.

That all changed when I met the woman who would become my wife. Looking back on it, in all that time before I met her I never went more than a week without pleasuring myself and usually did several times a week. I guess if I were truly asexual that would not have been the case.

It turned out that I had issues with sex due to past abuse. I've worked it out.

[Denninmi]

25. I was lucky in that aspect.

Dear old dad was a major perv in the Norman bates way, but even at age 5 I knew it was completely wrong. I picked it up from my oldest sister who called him a perv to his face frequently the last year she lived at home, before she ran away and eloped.

I only had to see him, I wasn't actually involved.

And I can't begin to tell you how much I wanted a real father figure, not the abomination I got. A year of Haldol and Thorazine late in life helped,it was better but not perfect by any means.

I will never forget when I was seven, spring came, all of the boys were into softball. My mother bought me a glove and ball because I pleaded for it. Despite everything, I wanted him to show me how to pitch and catch. My mother essentially forced him to take me out in the yard. He threw the ball twice to me, that was it, then he had to get back inside, pull the curtains, and get into his sick little hobby.

To relate it back to the op, since my little turn is way out in left field and TMI by about a hundredfold, I feel that I am completely normal and healthy in my views and attitudes about sex. Just haven't considered the prospect of a relationship in like 15 years.

Suddenly, out of the storm, I find that I not only survived, but am profoundly changed for the better.

What can I say, I'm checking out the ladies at the gym, might just get up my nerve one of these days to strike up a real conversation and see where it leads. Crazy, huh? : hi:

[silentwarrior]

27. I feel that too

that I am completely normal and healthy towards my attitude about sex.

I have been in relationships before that involved being intimate, but quite frankly

I prefer my future relationships to be asexual.

[Denninmi]

28. BTW, sorry I kind of hijacked your thread.

And sorry for the TMI, it's not really lounge material, and I know this kind of stuff bothers some posters. I should only post things like this on "the other side" (MHS).

[silentwarrior]

29. No No No

Im not bothered about anything Denninmi, I was just trying to
explain how I feel about things.

I might have posted this in the wrong forum too

[dawg]

31. No. You're in the right place.

Lot's of interesting things get discussed in the Lounge.

[hifiguy]

30. Fascinating thread.

I am 50-something and I have never had a date, much less a relationship. I knew there was something very different about me at a young age, though I didn't get my Autism Spectrum dx - Asperger's - until about 10 years ago. I could never read nor understand the dances of dating and relationships and knew that entering into that sphere of life would probably fatally undermine whatever sense of equilibrium I'd managed to build for myself on the rest of my life.

In my younger years I was more than occasionally attracted to good-looking, intelligent women, but could never figure out how to act on any feelings I had back in the day.I don't know how many Asperger's people share my peculiarities, but I have a visceral dislike of being touched, which also contributed to my inaction. I am rather grateful for age in that the issue has receded so far down my list of priorities as to be virtually invisible even if the meds I need to remain steady hadn't rendered me pretty much dead from the waist down.

Thanks for a most interesting thread.

[dawg]

32. Society tells us we need a partner, or even multiple partners, to be considered successful.

But that's just a load of bull. It's all about finding your own personal happiness, and that can be done either alone *or* with someone else. Being part of a couple isn't for everyone, and that is okay.

Everyone tells me I should be moving much quicker. I should finalize my divorce, hit the dating sites, and start trying to replace the woman who I thought was the love of my life. But I'm just not ready. I need to spend my spare time doing other things. I need to rebuild my shattered confidence first.

And what other people think I should do is irrelevant. It's all up to me.

[raccoon]

33. Amen! "Society tells us we need a partner, or even multiple partners, to be considered successful."

I think a lot of it's Madison Avenue--sex sells, and from TV and movies one can easily get the idea that
everyone else has a rip-roaring sex life.

[Denninmi]

35. I have a different perspective on this.

For me, I too don't care what others think, and over the years I have endured the comments, mild teasing, etc. "Society" expects us to conform.

I spent too many years feeling grossly inadequate, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. So, I said who could possibly want me?

Actually, going through what I did really changed me for the better. I have problems, who doesn't, but I am working hard to solve or at least mitigate them.

I would like to have a healthy relationship with someone, and am working on the self confidence to go there. Glib aside, which is my way of dealing with anxiety, I am doing what I have to.

I just can't fall into co-dependence. My "first" was the prime example, we were freshman at MSU living on the same floor of the dorm, had several classes together, actually became platonic friends first, and it changed from there. But our relationship was based on mutual pain, she also came from a bad place, substance abuse and abuse in general. So, what we had in common was pain, not a lot else. So it lasted about a year, then she broke it off with me, citing family pressures, but I think mainly because we both realized the real bond was in what we went through, and that isn't healthy.

Look toward the future, don't dwell in the past.

[silentwarrior]

39. I feel Ive come to a place

in my life where I no longer have to conform to what other people want from me.
I can be Me and they will have to accept that.

I have lived most of my life trying to please others, always needing approval, being
afraid that others would not like me.

But you know what? It doesnt matter anymore what others think. There will always
be some people that wont approve of me, no matter what I do or say. So what!

I am a very romantic lady and I would love to meet someone for companionship and
to share the rest of my life with.

Im not rushing anything though. For now, I will be fine tuning the edges in my life and
to just be happy to be me.

[clyrc]

34. I think it's a matter of hormones

I say that as a woman who got a sex drive early, and had it stay kind of high until after I had my first child, when it went away completely and messed with my own idea of myself. Thankfully for me, it came back eventually. And left, and came back, several times.

I've know a few people who weren't interested in sex, and I just assume it's based on hormones. For me personally, I can't imagine not ever being sexual, but I respect that some people just aren't.

[Helen Reddy]

36. Good Post!

What are your thoughts about a relationship where one person is content with being platonic, yet the other is hungry for affection, but does not receive it?

Do you think this is sustainable?

[silentwarrior]

38. If that was the case,

then I think there would be feelings of hurt and friction between the couple.

Personally, I would need affection in an asexual relationship, i.e, cuddling, holding hands
and to feel deep love for my partner, just without the sex.

[Helen Reddy]

41. Thanks for your response.

Would you accept a message from me? I do not recall if it is called a PM or DU mail.

[silentwarrior]

42. Its both I think

sure, I dont mind

[RedCloud]

43. I am a sexual...

What a difference a space makes!

[silentwarrior]

44. Im pleased for you