Back to sleeping on the couch, and feeling guilty

[NickB79]

Guilty because I actually LIKE it!

My wife started snoring when she became pregnant 4 years ago. It was so bad, I was wearing ear plugs to bed AND putting a heavy pillow over my head. Eventually, I just said screw it and started sleeping on the couch.

The snoring improved a bit after our daughter was born, but unfortunately never went away. I was able to sleep in the same bed with her again, but still had to resort to covering my head with a pillow most nights. In the past year, it's gotten worse again, to the point it takes an HOUR to fall asleep, or I'm woken up repeatedly in the middle of the night.

I've finally finished converting a portion of the house into a guest room, and I've started sleeping there instead.

Part of me feels really, really bad that I chose to sleep in a different room than my wife, but I have to admit that I'm getting FABULOUS sleep lately. I can get by on 5 hr of sleep, where before I'd get 8 and still feel like crap.

We're at an impasse, because she won't see a doctor to address her snoring. The last time she had a check-up the doctor flat-out told her she was obese and needed to lose weight, and I'm concerned it's early sleep apnea.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I work overnights and care for our 3 yr old during the day when she's at work, so every minute of quality sleep is vitally important to me. However, I can easily see this spiralling downhill in ways that will be very bad for our relationship.

[dixiegrrrrl]

1. The guilt, I think, is about the "should be sharing the same bed"

You might be surprised at how many couples share different bedrooms, and for very good reasons, snoring being a major issue
but also because one person is a night owl and likes to read in bed late, the other has to get up at 6 am for work,
or one is a light sleeper and the other is a restless sleeper, or one person likes to fall asleep with the tv on, the other needs quiet to sleep, etc.
The end result is a definite improvement in quality sleep, which becomes very important in later years.
It is a real health issue.

[mnhtnbb]

2. Don't feel guilty. One of you needs to stay healthy to raise your daughter

and you need quality sleep for that. It's a shame your wife refuses to address
her weight. What's with that? Can you talk about the health issues unrelated
to snoring? She's putting herself at risk for all kinds of disease--from diabetes
to heart disease to cancer--just to name a few. Does she not agree that
she needs to lose weight? Has she had a weight problem all her life? Is it
post baby weight she hasn't lost?

Seems to me that you need to sit down and talk about this.

[OriginalGeek]

3. My wife snores AND has restless leg syndrome

I got no sleep and kicked all night.


Until she went and had a sleep study done. They found she was waking up a hundred times an hour - or some such ridiculous number they keep track of - I forget lol - but they got her on a CPAP machine and now everybody gets more quality rest.

Please pardon me for being blunt but she is being terribly selfish to not go get herself examined. My wife is fat too. It never bothered me except that she couldn't sleep and neither could I. It does bother her but at least she is now getting rest so maybe we can start working on the other.

MAKE your wife go to the doctor and don't take no for an answer. Sleep apnea could kill her.

[MiddleFingerMom]

4. Sleep apnea is a VERY serious condition. It may be causing MANY more immediate...

.
.
.
... problems than your wife's weight... including quality-of-life issues..
.
..
It causes poor sleep for her, too -- though neither one of you may be
aware of that. Worst case scenario -- she could fall asleep while behind
the wheel and driving your daughter somewhere..
.
A friend of mine had this and, after going in for sleep studies ane figuring
out a plan of ation with her doctor, she's now IMMENSELY happier.
.
Although it's often at least partly the cause of sleep apnea, your wife
wouldn't HAVE to deal with her weight -- they'd just treat the sleep
apnea specifically and symptomatically.
.
Really URGE her to go see someone, for your daughter if not for herself.
.
.
.

[pipi_k]

5. Have you tried

setting up a tape recorder in the room?

Maybe she doesn't realize how loud and disruptive her snoring is.

It could be a first step toward getting her the help she needs

[Locrian]

6. she should get checked out...

but DON'T feel guilty sleeping separate. My wife and I have separate bed (rooms) - if you have the space I say its GREAT!!!

[Sheldon Cooper]

7. You have no reason to feel guilty for getting a good night's sleep.

Your wife is being very selfish, however. Maybe she's afraid to confront her obesity head on, but honestly, it's selfish. Counseling is probably in order, but I doubt she'd follow through with that. IMO, continue to sleep wherever you get the best rest. Until she's able to act like an adult and face her issue, it's likely the best you're going to get.

Sorry if that's harsh.

[noamnety]

8. Don't feel guilty!

Getting a good night's sleep is a health issue, you deserve that.

There are some things your wife could try (maybe she has already) that don't require a trip to the doctor. There are nasal sprays and pills that are supposed to reduce snoring - I've never tried those but I have a friend who swears by them.

There are breathe right strips to put on your nose like a bandaid to keep nasal passages open. And there are reusable inserts to put in your nose - I don't think (?) I personally have a snoring problem, but I feel like I sleep better with them - they definitely get more air in, and I have allergy issues so I like that.

I tried these first - the little strips between the nostrils sometimes breaks:


I lucked out and found something like this at the dollar store, I should have bought them out, because if one falls on the floor the husband vaccuums it up - but it's my favorite, least instrusive:


Also - if your wife's issues are related to allergies, popping a mattress cover on, and washing the bedding regularly can make a huge difference. We switched to a water bed so dust mites aren't an issue - that was a game changer for me. But also a problem - it's the reason I won't vacate the room when the husband's snoring, because I don't want to lose custody of the waterbed. If it weren't for that, I would have moved to the guest room.

We went through a few years of me bullying him into wearing the snore strips. I don't understand how one person in a relationship can be so selfish that they just decide "I'm okay with my partner never having a solid night's sleep, always being sleep deprived every single day, for decades ... for the rest of their life." If you've decided to sleep in another room, you aren't the one who should feel guilty, imho.

[No Vested Interest]

9. A few tips - 1. Don't bug her about the weight.

A person has to want to lose weight, and has to make that decision on her/his own. Support all efforts toward a healthy diet - fresh fruits and vegetables, no sugary drinks including juices. - Better to eat whole foods instead of juices. Anyone overweight needs support, not nagging.

2. Sleep test for sleep apnea is great; breathe-right strips and sleeping on one's side is better than sleeping on back.

3. Always leave the bedroom door(s) open, so that one partner does not feel closed off or intrusive if he/she cares to "visit" at any time. Keep the invitation to be together open.

[nolabear]

10. You might try raising the head of the bed some.

It often helps a surprising amount. There are blocks you can put under the upper feet. It feels a little funny to be on a slight slope at first but you get used to it in no time and it might do the trick.

If she has apnea getting it checked is important though. You don't want her falling asleep driving or suffering the many health problems that can result.