You ever have one of those days?
Last edited Mon Feb 2, 2015, 05:27 PM - Edit history (1)
Wife and I went out to our favorite pub to watch the super bowl. Mistakes were made...
To get a good seat , we showed up early, ordered beer and some poutine to start off with. We played it smart and paced ourselves with the drinks. We stayed for about 5 hours, and enjoyed all sorts of tasty, yet really bad for you foods. The pub serves an ok poutine, with a light gravy, cheese curds, bacon, and a fried egg. Personally it's a little of the mark to be called poutine, but it is tasty in its own right. Then came the wings... You have to order those hot. Super delicious, fried, with an amazing sauce. Then, there was the crab and spinach dip, made with this really good old bay spiced cream. Then an order of the flaming chorizo (which spell-check always tries to correct to "horizon"
, served with bread, olives and a spicy mustard. To top the night off, an order of creme brulee that was super awesome.
Now normally, I eat quite healthy. Fish, chicken, lots of veggies, etc... So to say that my body is not used to this sort of food would be a gross understatement.
At about 2am my stomach starts freaking out. I mean it sounded like two cats fighting in a bathtub. It was so loud that it woke up my wife, who in turn woke me up to make sure I was ok. Once I woke up, I realized I was not ok. So I went into the bathroom, you know... just in case. I didn't feel like I was going to be sick, but the muted sounds of the Kraken awakening within me I felt it would be wise to be near a toilet. So there I sat on the bathroom floor, and waited... Patiently. After a short while I nodded off.
About an hour later, every smoke alarm in the house if going off. I shoot up from my sleep like a rocket and encountered several terrifying realizations.
1. I'm suddenly and completely blind.
2. I have no idea where I am. (I had forgotten that I was in the bath room)
3. Wherever I was, it was on fire.
4. It is freezing cold outside, and I am only in my boxers.
In my current state, I simply knew I just had to get out of wherever I was. So I ran towards the sound of the smoke alarm. We will call that maneuver "Mistake #1". Apparently sound has this ability to bounce off of things. So the net result of "Mistake #1" was me running headlong into a wall with the bridge of my nose smacking into a towel rod. Bathroom! I'm in the bathroom! Thank you painful towel rod. I came to realization that we really rely on our sense of sight. My bathroom is maybe 9 by 7 feet at the most. The door is opposite the towel rod. How hard could it possibly be to do an about face and get to the door?
Apparently it's really damn hard to do. "Mistake #2" happened so fast that I'm not 100% sure of what occurred. Apparently I did not perform a full 180 degree turn, and ran head on into the cabinet for the sink. The counter-top of which is conveniently at my exact testicle level. I cannot describe the pain and sudden shock in a language that would suitable for civilized conversation. I do remember that I recoiled backwards from the sink, something made a crashing sound as my legs were getting tripped up on the tub. Thankfully I did not fall into the tub, however my shaving cream, razor, and shampoo went flying.
It was at this point that my wife was frantically knocking on the door to get me out. Of course the door was locked, and all she kept saying was "let me in". I shouted back that I was trying as I was blindly feeling for the door. At first I opened the linen closet and walked into it thinking it was the door. Nope. That would be "Mistake #3" that netted me a really nasty stubbed pinky toe.
I finally found the door and turned the knob as my wife was pushing on it. This would be the 4th and final mistake. The door sits about an inch or so higher than the floor of the bathroom. Exactly enough space for a recently stubbed pinky toe to get violently wedged in. Did you know that they don't finish or paint the underside of a door? Me either. It's all splinters, jagged edges and concentrated evil.
At that very moment I was suddenly blessed with the gift of sight again, at the same instant the smoke alarms stopped going off. My wife looked quite shaken, and was standing on one foot. Apparently she stubbed her toes on the bed. As it turns out all of our smoke alarms are wired into the house, and they are interconnected (one goes off, they all go off). So when we lost power, they all started going off. My blindness was simply all of the lights in the bathroom not being on, and it was pitch black.
My testicles feel much better, however my pinky toe is throbbing. I did however, never get sick, and my stomach has finally calmed down from a full on boil to a light simmer. They say the best mistakes are the ones you learn from. I have yet to figure out how to learn from this experience... But I'm sure there is a lesson to be had.
I have taken some artistic license, and have embellished portions of this story.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Uh, sorry about your pain.
