A discussion on Asexuality

[Behind the Aegis]

I stumbled across this from the Matthew Shepard Foundation...

Matthew’s Place features an in-depth series called “Ace Talk: Asexuality Uncovered.”

Series Introduction – Matthew’s Place Debuts Asexuality Series

Ace Talk: Asexuality Uncovered will span several parts and cover personal stories, asexual dating and relationships, frequently asked questions, and the politics of the asexual movement. Ace is a popular nickname for an asexual person. We hope the series will benefit youth who may be questioning their sexual orientation and also help educate all readers about asexuality.



Part One – Why Language Matters: Coming Out Asexual

“The more experiences in coming out I had, the more I found that people simply didn’t have asexuality in their vocabulary. It doesn’t occur to most people that some others don’t experience sexual attraction. This is mainly because the possibility of asexuality has never been discussed. Ignorance limits us in unpacking our identities, and occasionally causes us to limit others in unpacking theirs. We have to combat ignorance to be our whole selves and exist in harmony with each other.”



Part Two – Asexuality 101: Answers to the Most Frequently Asked Questions

-What is asexuality?

-Isn’t asexuality the same thing as celibacy?

-Do asexual people masturbate?

-How do you know your asexuality isn’t repression, from sexual abuse, or part of a mental illness?

-Why do asexual people choose to come out?

-Do asexual people have relationships? How does that work?

-What is romantic orientation?

-How do you know you’re asexual if you’ve never had sex? What if you just haven’t found the right person yet?

more...

I haven't read through it all, but the source is a good one, so I hope it inspires some learning and understanding.

[xfundy]

1. The subject is one I can't understand on its face.

But then so is trans. Regardless, I will listen and learn without judgement, because people I don't know constantly judge me for being gay.

Thanks for the link.

[nightscanner59]

2. It's a twist for me too, my hormones drag me into "trouble" sometimes,

and leaves me somewhat jealous of those who apparently aren't so driven. 'Mokay most the time, and buildup occurs and wham... beat me whip me, make me write bad checks.
I can fathom trans, even have occasional fantasies of being opposite sex, but not near strong enough to want to alter my male structure.
The overt assumptions of heterosexuality, "locker room talk" by hetero's who assume I'm as horny for females as they all too often relate in non-mixed company does grate on me at a deep level. That must be equally so for Aces in similar situations of either orientation.

[LostOne4Ever]

6. I am asexual and figuring it out confused the hell out of me..

[font style="font-family:'Georgia','Baskerville Old Face','Helvetica',fantasy;" size=4 color=teal]How do you know your missing an attraction if you have never experienced it?

Then there are so many different forms of Asexuality and such a dim line between Asexuality and Gray-A, not to mention that we can have romantic attractions and sensual attractions but not sexual...

I was confused for a long long time...[/font]

[MillennialDem]

8. Not trying to be an ass here, but how the hell can you not understand it? Some people don't

like or want sex. It's that simple (well, we can start to get further into depth of people wanting sex but not romantic attraction or vice versa and so on, but the if you can't get the first sentence I don't get why not).

It's the same for trans (which I am). Some people want to look as and be treated as the opposite sex. Really, it's not complicated.

I'm mtf and I like girls. I don't get how anyone can have any attraction to the male body in the sense that I can't relate to it, but I understand that some people would rather have that.

[backscatter712]

13. I think this is a good time to bring out Genderbread Person.

This is reasonably close to how human gender, sexuality, gender expression, and so on work in people.

You have gender identity, biological sense, gender expression, and apart from those, you have sexual attraction, either to males or to females, or maybe you're pansexual, and you also have romantic attraction, aka pair-bonding, which comes from a different bit of wiring in the brain.

Everyone's different, they identify differently, present differently, have different body parts, are sexually and romantically attracted differently. To each their own.

[backscatter712]

3. Being asexual isn't easy.

I speak from firsthand experience - I am asexual.

When people figure out you're not especially interested in sex, mating & relating, people start thinking there's something wrong with you, telling you you're sick, or mentally ill, they look at you a little differently.

When you're ace, you get your identity denied and dismissed. You're expected to be invisible, to pass as something you're not, and if you try to be yourself, people can be shitty to you.

Yeah, it's not the same as the harassment, ugliness and violence that gay and lesbian people face, or that trans people face, and not as bad. It's still something. We have our own difficulties.

[Behind the Aegis]

4. It's not as bad as GLBT discrimination is true.

However, the damage done by social bigotry and discrimination is just as damaging! Too many get hung up on "the Oppression Olympics" and who has it worse than whom, but in reality, anytime one's dignity, self-worth, and sense of being is diminished or destroyed, it is a real problem. Many of the arguments used against asexual people are the same ones which have been used against GLBT people; mental illness, sick, perversion, (a shout out to the religious bigots) against G-d's will...and the list continues. Other than on-line, I have only known one person who was asexual; it's not a big group of people and it is rarely discussed in sessions about sexual orientations. When I was doing diversity presentations on sexuality and sexual orientation, I was one of the only ones who included asexuality. I had to do some reading about it, and there is a lot, and I mean, a LOT of crap (lies), out there about asexuality. It was almost like reading about homosexuality in the 40's and 50's!

Since this is still not an area where I am well versed, how do you think the article I posted stacks up? I figured it coming from the Matthew Shepard Foundation, it would be pretty good. It seemed informative, but you live it, so what did you think, if you don't mind sharing?

[backscatter712]

5. Exactly. The only way forward is to stand together.

The Oppression Olympics never have been productive sport.

The only thing I can do going forward when dealing with members of the gay, lesbian, trans, and rest of the LGBTQIA+ communities is to say that I've got your backs. No matter what.

The article is quite good. I like it! It's basic Asexuality 101, which sadly is still in short supply. The more places out there sharing basic information, the better.

It's certainly needed. Even here on DU, when I posted an asexuality article over in General Discussion, a few "clever" members pooh-poohed the idea of asexuality, including a self-proclaimed sexologist who claimed it was due to psychological trauma, or a personality disorder. Another proud member of my ignore list now...

[closeupready]

12. Part of that is because many people exploit sex appeal,

as a means of achieving a larger goal. Thus, those who are impermeable to that vulnerability are going to be feared and hated by those who exploit that vulnerability. See, for example, Kris Jenner, or Jane Russell.

[LostOne4Ever]

7. Bookmarking!

[font style="font-family:'Georgia','Baskerville Old Face','Helvetica',fantasy;" size=4 color=teal]Thanks for the awesome link!

Hopefully this will help someone the way the Huffington Post series helped me![/font]

[ChazII]

9. I am attracted to guys

but I am not interested in anything beyond attending a movie or a sports activity. I have attended demonstrations and marched in protest but have no desire to do the horizontal tango. Nope, I don't consider myself to have a mental illness.

I appreciate the understand and support.

[marginlized]

10. AVEN: Asexual Visibility and Educational Network

AVEN: http://www.asexuality.org/home/

This site did have a great series of FAQs, but many of their pages seem to be missing now.
Fortunately, the forum is still there. I first found Aven in about '02, and the concept just felt right. You can think of sexual attraction like a volume dial on your sexuality. It can be loud or barely heard, or not at all. It's an independent variable. Nothing to do with orientation or gender. It also addresses some of the all or nothing, black/white thinking so prevalent in American culture. When many people have difficulty imagining intimacy without sex, asexuality insists there are at least 50 shades of grey.

Yes, I haven't had sex with anyone in over 12 years, and it's all good.

There's also a social site, Ace Book: http://www.ace-book.net/

also, The Thinking Asexual blog: https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/

[Behind the Aegis]

11. Thank you very much for those resources!

I will add them to the resource guide at the top of the group.