I feel like throwing my life away.

[Locut0s]

Please note I don't mean suicide!

I have a long history of depression and anxiety that I have posted about here:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1151713

Don't fell obligated to read that it just gives some history if you want to know.

Anyway I was doing well again at university up till this semester. Got a 91% GPA and got into the CO-OP program at my university. But I've changed degrees and it's a different environment with different people. The depression has returned. Old friends from last semester are not with me and it's hard to make new friends in this term when you are the new guy and everyone else has already closed ranks. I still haven't suffered academically yet much but I'm barely doing enough work to stay afloat and at this rate things will turn for the worse. The urge to quit again is so fucking strong. I just want to get some menial job and hide away from the world. I feel envious of the janitors when I walk by them at school, please note this does not mean I'm looking down on those positions, I seriously mean I envy them. I world be throwing everything away but I'm very good at that LOL. The urge to do so is very strong

[elleng]

1. I'm very sorry to hear this.

Might you return to your former degree program, and restore your successful environment? We all make changes, throughout our lives.

We'll stay with you.

[Locut0s]

2. Thank you very much. It would be difficult to move back and hard to explain.

The university I'm in doesn't make moving between degrees all that easy. I had to reapply again just to get into this one. I moved into this one because technically it's a better fit for what I'd like to be doing down the road, if there is anything down the road for me.

[Denninmi]

3. Hi. Is there anything we can do to help?

One thought - rather than dropping all of your classes and quitting, could you drop part if them, slow down, and make it through the semester? Also, does your school know about your issues, and does it have to accommodate you, give you any kind of special help or support?

[Locut0s]

11. Sorry for the late reply Denninmi...

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

No my school doesn't know of the issue. We do have counselling services available on campus that I should probably avail myself of. To be honest I've been reluctant to because I'm really not sure how they could help me. I've had limited success with therapists and psychiatrists. Medication HAS helped, though to a limited degree.

I'm also reluctant to drop courses because I'm a strong perfectionist and I would feel ashamed if I did. I'd find it difficult to explain to the few friends I have managed to make this semester.

[hunter]

4. It's not "throwing your life away" but it could be something you'd regret.

It took me nine years to graduate from college. I'm not sure the path I took through college is even possible in today's world. I changed majors a few times, and I was "asked" to leave college twice. The only reason I got back in for a third try was on the recommendation of a prominent professor who I suspect also asked his colleagues to watch out for me and keep me on track.

When I wasn't in college I worked various jobs as a furniture mover, a handyman for restaurants and student housing, I loaded and unloaded trucks in a warehouse, and I worked as a medical lab assistant. Both the warehouse work and medical lab work were permanent positions with very good potential for promotion.

If I hadn't been accepted back to school I figure I'd have ended up in the warehouse. It paid better, it was physical work I enjoyed, and for various reasons it wasn't so boring to me as lab work. And then today I might have been an unhappy never-married single guy working as a warehouse supervisor suffering even more arthritic aches and pains and other physical ailments than I've got now. Maybe I'd have gone back to school eventually, but I've always had to be pretty damned miserable to leave a stable living situation.

But I did graduate, got a job as a science teacher, met my wife who was also a science teacher, and it's been a wild ride since.

I'm not generally a "happy" or "successful" person as defined by any conventional measure, and I'm not sure that's even possible with my particular brain chemistry, but I have enjoyed many wonderful experiences that are direct and indirect consequences of finishing college.

Your mileage may vary, but I'm certain I did the right thing by pushing through until I graduated.

[Denninmi]

5. Yup, I agree.

My first year at MSU, in particular, was pretty miserable. I failed a class, calculus II, in my first semester, and came to realize that I was not the whiz kid I had imagined myself to be. So, I went from being pretty elated, overall, when I got there, despite the fact I was kinda freaked out by the living arrangements in the dorm, to feeling like an abject failure after my first term. I played musical majors, and ultimately graduated with a decent, not stellar, GPA, in a pretty worthless field, horticulture. I worked in the industry for about 20 years, but was never what you would call "successful" by any means, living wages but barely. I did have employer-provided BC, so that was a plus.

I think Hunter is right, do your best to hang in there, use every support system you can find, and try to make it work for you. But, if you need to take another break, don't be hard on yourself. College is easier than it was in one sense, people come and go, and get degrees piecemeal at several of institutions because of life situations and cost, and I don't think it is held against people in the job market like it once was. Look at good old Sarah Palin, she went to, I believe, four or five colleges before she finally graduated, and somehow she managed to get several jobs, and she leaves a lot to be desired, IMHO.

[Locut0s]

7. Thank you very much for the encouragement! It means a lot!

I am going to see if I can push through this, some days are better than others of course. I just hope I can make it through by taking things one day at a time. Or one hour at a time during the worst moments.

[Tobin S.]

6. Stay in. See a counselor there at school- an academic one and a psychologist.

I'd be willing to bet that your school offers free psychological care with your paid tuition.

Listen up. I know you're struggling right now, but I really hope you hang in there. I was in a similar spot when I was in my early twenties and I did quit school and took those menial jobs. It was okay for a while if you don't mind living in a 30 year old trailer and driving a $500 beater. It's okay as long as you don't need serious medical care. It's okay if you don't mind living paycheck to paycheck. It's okay if you don't mind not having anything nice. Yeah, it sucks.

I'm 40 now and I ended up being a trucker. I'm still struggling financially, although I have it better than I did when I was 24. It's still not the good life by any stretch. And guess what? I'm back in school. I'm a junior now and it's going to take me until December of 2015 to graduate because I still work full time and only go to school part time. It's all I can do.

Stay in school and get that degree now. You can take it easy for a little while afterward before you get a good job.

[Locut0s]

8. Thank you for the reply. Yes i do have to convince myself somehow that...

I would really regret it if I threw away this opportunity I know in my heart of hearts that I'm an academic minded person who enjoys putting his intelligence to work solving problems. If it weren't for the depression and anxiety it would be a dream to have a job in which I was paid to apply these skills. My problem is facing the world, I have bad socialphobia and other emotional issues that cause me to shut down when facing social stresses in "the real world". A strong touch of self hatred does not add well to the mix.

[Tobin S.]

9. They make medication for that stuff.

It can make a world of difference. You need to be in counseling at the very least. Don't try to fight this battle on your own.

[Locut0s]

10. I've been taking mediation, SSRIs, for quite a few years now. They help...

Without them I would be much worse. But I still suffer from l major episodes of depression and anxiety despite them. I've tried quite a few different types with varying effectiveness. I've also gone to psychiatrists and therapists, sadly with less than stellar results.

[TexasBushwhacker]

14. Maybe you need a combo and something for anxiety

I've struggled with depression for 30 years. For me, I have to change up my medication every year or so because they quit working as well. I'll discuss the specifics if you want to PM me.

Here's a video lecture on depression by a Stanford professor. I've found it very helpful in understanding this condition.

[Neoma]

12. Just one thing here...

I won't tell you the regular, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" crap. That almost killed me in college.

But I want you to ask yourself what freedom is. Giving into your emotions, or is it trying the self-discipline route?

I mean, depression is a little more than just emotions, you do need help with it, but I think that question still needs to be asked. Maybe it'll give you courage.