Older daughter estranged herself from me, again, a few days ago, as she does regularly,

[elleng]

thus separating me from her and her 1 year old son, my grandson, while the day before, she excitedly told me of a 'gift' due in October: 2d baby. She and her sister have been 'at odds' for years, and this, the older, has real problems, maybe bi-polar, requires professional help imo. Sad. At least I live near her sister and HER baby, 6 months old.

Just writing to get this off my chest. This and Jon Stewart.

Thanks, all.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. How sad for you, my dear elleng...

I am so sorry that she doesn't see the need for professional help.

And it's a hell of a place to be bringing up vulnerable children.

[elleng]

4. Right, CalPeg,

and after I told her she needs help, she said I'm PROJECTING! I'M the one in need of help! Darn, I'm afraid she caught 'it' from her father, THAT was my mistake.

She's a good parent, but I am concerned about what effect on Eddie and his siblings this will have. AND on his COUSIN(s,) whom he may or may not meet. NJ/MD distance, + the circumstances.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. It's a tough place to be...

Try not to blame yourself. So much of this sort of thing is out of our hands.

[elleng]

6. Thanks. I DON'T blame myself,

I had these 2 daughters, reasonable decisions, given the father, whom I DID love at the time. When we're estranged I simply don't think about her, now with a grandson, that's not so easy, but I don't hit myself about it every day. Its more difficult for my younger daughter, whose psyche has been adversely affected by bad treatment from her sister for years.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. Your attitude is very healthy, IMHO!

[elleng]

8. Thanks, I do my best!

Planning the BIG birthday anniversary party for my high school classmates at the cottage in June, younger daughter may help and stop by, so good things happening.

[elleng]

9. Just saw a little video of younger daughter + her baby,

on facebook. (Shared, you can see it.) Funny, my daughters have the same voice!!! Have, for years! 3 years apart.

[NYC_SKP]

2. I wish I could think of something helpful to say, but I can't.

Just a hug for you.

[elleng]

3. Thanks, SKP.

[No Vested Interest]

10. Could you try to get past it by sending a valentine

to her son, your grandson?
No reason her son should suffer the loss of grandma's attentions because of mama's snit.

I know her words are hurtful; who can hurt us more than family members - those we care about most?
You've been through this many times before, so you know she'll come around -eventually - until the next time.

My two daughters, 13 months apart, are ying and yang - complete opposites personality-wise.
Always have been, since infancy.
They mostly get along in public, though "zingers" are periodically thrown out.
I mostly accept the situation and try to stay out of it.
I'm too old - and they are too- for me to try to be the intermediate - the peacemaker.

Sorry to know that you have this upset - again.

[elleng]

11. Yes, I'll be sending him a book,

Elmo, he's watched an Elmo video. Will send it in a few days. I'll do what I can to stay in his life, but she can be so mean and unpredictable, there are no guarantees. (I did buy his crib and dresser, room full of stuff I gave him.)

Right, she'll come around again, as she has in the past, and then play her game again. We'll see what happens down the road, how little Eddie responds over the years.

I doubt there will be peace between my daughters, given the older's illness. I hold the hand of the younger, and don't discuss the younger with the older who lies about the younger and the father's (who is deceased) opinion of the younger. Bad news.

Thanks.

[No Vested Interest]

12. A book for valentine's day will be nice.

Hopefully, she'll (or baby's papa) will read it over and over to your grandson.

At some point in the next few months she'll have to focus on the coming new baby.
You can turn your thoughts that way too, especially when the gender of the new one is known.

Sibling rivalry can be a strange thing, and (I think) can spring from erroneous perceptions one had as a child.
Don't we wish we could go back and read their minds at that time and make everything all right?

Not going to happen.
So we just have to accept the imperfect in our lives and realize that's probably the average situation for most of humanity.

[elleng]

13. Yes, I hope she invites me to join her at hospital again,

when the new baby is born. These estrangements tend to last for a few months.

This is, imo, different from the average 'sibling rivalry;' she has a psychological problem which was, actually, diagnosed years ago, when she was in maybe high school. She didn't like the meds the doc prescribed, and then he left the practice, and as her father refused to help deal with psych stuff, it's never been addressed again. I couldn't fight him on the issue.

[mopinko]

14. oh honey. so sorry this is happening.

makes me want to write her a letter and beg her to take care of herself.
i have so much regret for the damage that my depressions did to my kids. mothering is so hard. so draining. difficult when firing on all cylinders. but just impossible to do really well w one hand tied behind your back.

and for her to keep the kids away from you. it should be a crime. an involved grandmother is such a gift to a kid. we didnt really have that, and what a boon it would have been to them and to me. they were around, but not often. my mom was already becoming fragile about the time my kids were born. ex's mom was around, but also a person w lots of issues that churned up the family for her own benefit. for everything she gave, there was a price. sigh.

hope this is short lived. but yeah. projection. how many times have i heard that word? ugh. toooooo many.

on the good news front, tho, i hear through the grape vine that middle daughter is finally getting some help. so happy about that. maybe it will heal things. my worries about her mental health are a big part of our estrangement.

some day some genius will find the right words to say to someone who needs help that will not bounce off their defenses. meanwhile, we get plastered by blowback whenever we try.

hang in there sweetie. and dont back down.

[elleng]

17. Thanks, mop.

I think some of my friends have written to her, and consequently she won't see them again, naturally! Thanks for the thought, tho!

I did attend his 1 year birthday party, as well as his birth and another visit between those events. I'll be there on those occasions, after she's temporarily recovered from her 'whatever,' but not for our (planned) joint 'big' birthday party this weekend. Sending little Eddie a book instead.

As to 'projection,' it's incredible, the lies she's told her sister! SHOCKING!

Great that your middle daughter is getting some help! I do hope my younger, and maybe I together with her, will get counseling to help with the constant dread and ill feelings. (I take 1/2 dose of anti-anxiety med when necessary, but that won't do it for my 'baby,' I think.)

Thanks again.

[mopinko]

18. well i think you just have to stress taking care of herself.

seems to go around some of the barriers to put it that way. always sad and bad when kids have to grow up with an unstable parent.
my dad was probably bi-polar, and an alcoholic. made quite the mess of family life.

and yeah, the fairy tales. omg.

[elleng]

19. Their father was alcoholic,

tho not visibly 'active,' and vis a vis me, at least, sociopath. Lying sob, and I've discerned, since our separation and his death, they accepted a bunch of lies about me. DAMN, may have to take my 1/2 anti-anxiety med tonight!



I discussed her behavior a few years ago with her then fiance, who knows about these things due to his job with the state, seeing after 'damaged' people. He kind of hedged. I hope he's seeing this stuff.

[olddots]

15. we go rhru the same stuff with 2 daughters

feeling like its our fault ,it is not your fault even though it doesn't make you feel better .

You aren't alone .

[elleng]

16. Thanks, olddots.

NOT our fault, an inherent trait, imo, and I do the best I can with and about it. My poor younger daughter, however, suffers with the slings and arrows, within her mind, every day, I think. for HER!

With you.