'You're Too Pretty to Be Gay' Is Not a Compliment

[ismnotwasm]

Another interesting read.

In her HuffPost blog post "The Assumption of Heterosexuality When You're a Feminine Lesbian," femme blogger Megan Evans mentions that gay men often tell her that she is "too pretty to be gay." Megan's experience resonates with me because some people find it necessary to "educate" me about how, in their expert opinion, my sexual orientation is not congruent with my physical appearance. I have also been told that I'm "too pretty to be a lesbian" and other versions of that assertion, such as, "But you're pretty; you shouldn't have a hard time finding a boyfriend," or, "You don't look gay." Most people who spew such nonsense expect me to delight in their backhanded praise and are surprised when I inform them that telling someone that she is too pretty to be a lesbian is actually not a compliment. Believing that there is a point on some arbitrary scale at which a woman is too attractive to be gay is based on the assumption that heterosexual women are inherently better-looking, and that's just plain homophobic.

To be clear, I am not writing this piece to toot my own horn. This is not one of those tortured-pretty-girl, Samantha Brick-type posts. I do not think that some peoples' beliefs that I am too pretty to be gay are based on how "beautiful" I am according to some superficial measure of what is deemed aesthetically pleasing by the dominant culture. In fact, as a biracial woman, society is constantly bombarding me with messages that my hair, lips, and thighs are not as desirable as Pam Anderson types with lighter skin; straight, blonde hair; and an unattainable figure. Rather, I believe that people are often confused by my femininity, because the prevailing stereotype is that lesbians are simply not feminine. Just think back to last year, when Florida's former Lt. Gov. Jennifer Carroll stated, in response to claims that she was involved in a lesbian affair, "Black women that look like me don't engage in relationships like that." The lack of femme visibility, as Evans documents in her blog post, as well as homophobia, misogyny, gender norms, and heteronormativity contribute to this stereotype. When feminine lesbians challenge existing stereotypes that all lesbians are masculine, it short-circuits peoples' brains.

But let's look at one of the roots of this stereotype a bit more. In 2008 CoverGirl cosmetics signed Ellen DeGeneres as one of their spokesmodels. While CoverGirl considers DeGeneres to be attractive enough to represent their brand and join the ranks of other famous CoverGirls like Sofia Vergara, Rihanna, and Christie Brinkley, people often say that DeGeneres "looks gay," and that her more feminine wife, Portia de Rossi, is "too pretty to be a lesbian." So why is it that some people believe that DeGeneres looks like a lesbian, but her wife does not fit the mold? Why would some people think that DeGeneres is "attractive enough" to be a CoverGirl but still consider her beauty substandard enough to clearly mark her as gay?

I would argue that the answer is found in Ellen's short hair and masculine-inspired wardrobe. Society frowns upon female masculinity. If lesbians are believed to be more masculine than their heterosexual counterparts, and society views female masculinity as unattractive, then people might conclude that heterosexual women are better-looking.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anita-dolce-vita/youre-too-pretty-to-be-gay-is-not-a-compliment_b_3917525.html

[seabeyond]

1. i understand the struggle the lesbian community had to have lesbian included, BUT... cause of male

ownership of ALL things with a womans sexuality even the sexuality of a gay woman, i cannot hardly even stand to use the word lesbian. men and their porn and oh so stupid jokes about lesbians sexuality to the point of just using the word lesbian has men jacking off has offended me hugely. who the fuck do they think they are that they feel they can own lesbians sexuality. i get pissed enough with men thinking they own heterosexual womens sexuality and i fight that all the time, but the fuckin arrogant audacity of the assholes to feel they get to do their little dominance, female submissive act with our gays sister pisses me off.

i can hardly use lesbian when talking about gay women. and that pisses me off further because it was explained to me the reason it is so important for lesbian to be the word used in addressing gay women. that they had to struggle and fight with the men in their community to be a part and they accomplished that have lesbian included.

so i have to ask, in this supposedly progressive world, what audacity does a man have, a feeling of righteousness and privilege and entitlement that they can even put a little fuckin toe on this ground.

i see these stupid ass comments that people make like... you are too pretty to be, just a part of the whole

[ismnotwasm]

4. Exactly

The terms "masculine" and "feminine" are descriptors only and little to to with the--call it essence of being human. They are social constructs that evolved along with social systems. But they're what have have, although the validity is so easily, easily challenged.

And Gay women have this double dose of hypocrisy, first as women not owning their own sexuality and as Gays not even acknowledged to HAVE legitimate sexuality in far too many places--a total violation of human rights.
Yet pornography has certainly found a place for femme Gay women hasn't it? That, apparently is OK, because they aren't performing for women. And it is about the male gaze.

[KitSileya]

2. Basically what they are saying is that only women who cannot attract men "end up" as lesbians

The assumption these guys, and many other men have is that a woman's primary interest is men, always. How can a woman not be interested in the penis? It is unfathomable to them. So only women who are deemed too ugly for men to be interested in them, end up as lesbians, sort of like a last resort, because these men can't conceive of anyone not wanting sex, either. And, their thinking goes, of course these women, deemed too ugly for men to be interested in them, then try to become like men, hence their 'butchness'. It is a deep-seated belief that men are superior, and women are inferior, and only there for the pleasure of men.

In short, it is ugly, ugly misogyny.

[seabeyond]

3. In short, it is ugly, ugly misogyny.

you are so right on.

all these threads, coming after the issue from so many direction is all that is allowing patriarchy to remain, solidly.

this is just another of the symptoms.

[Squinch]

5. Exactly. I have also heard the version, "you're too pretty to be a feminist."

Same message: "you could easily get guys. Why would you want to believe things that would make guys annoyed? If you don't want to act as I want you to act, you must just be angry at all men."

On the bright side, the reaction is a pretty quick way to sort out the men from the ... ah... children.