No, actually, I won't "lighten up"

[boston bean]

Is it more socially acceptable to make a sexist joke than it is to object to one?

Another day, another sexist joke on Facebook.

I've developed a habit of saying something when I see sexist, racist, homophobic or similar statements made by my friends.

It's an annoying habit, I'm sure, but no more annoying than the habit of posting crap that makes sweeping, prejudice statements about an entire group of people.

So I post a comment, pointing out the flaws in the joke's attempt at logic.

The response is so predictable, it's almost heartbreaking.

First, "don't take it so personally", "sorry if I offended" or similar. They're just having a laugh, you see. I need to realize it's funny.

In this example, I'm not supposed to take a statement that attacks all women personally. The male who posted the joke expects me to respond in a way that he considers "normal": amusement while not personally identifying with the people being attacked in the joke.

As the people being attacked in the joke are all women, this means he expects me to not identify as female. I must equip male eyes when I view this joke. That, to this man, is normal and good.

http://www.women24.com/Wellness/BodyAndSpirit/No-I-wont-lighten-up-20140212

[seabeyond]

1. "they will immediately launch into an attack on my character"

The second response: "lol feminists lol". Friends of this guy will immediately start posting anti-woman, anti-feminist pictures that discredit any woman who speaks up against sexism as irrational and hypocritical. This gives them an excuse to dismiss my comment. Without knowing me from a bar of soap, they will immediately launch into an attack on my character, all the while guffawing and congratulating each other on how witty they're being.

*


These guys aren't bad people. Guaranteed a glance over their profiles suggest they're perfectly normal, generally amiable guys. But it doesn't even for a moment occur to them that there's something wrong with attacking and slandering a woman they don't know just because she publicly stated an objection to sexism.

*

Plenty of guys think it's totally OK to make statements that attack women publicly in front of women. Women who respond with male gaze and laugh along with the guys about how stupid girls are heralded by these men as "honorary bros". ( and are allowed to hang out in mens groups , lol) They have lost the shame that is their femaleness. Women who object to the statements being made about all women including them are silenced, shamed, given stern lectures about what they are and are not allowed to talk about, and their tones.

*

Problem is, when a society wants to marginalize a group, they start with humour. They create caricatures made up of a collection of flaws and, soon enough, they start to believe in them. Examples: The scary black man. The effeminate gay. The miserly Jew. The emotional woman. The angry feminist.

And I genuinely am struggling to understand how our culture got this fucked up.

excellent Op. thanks. here are some i really liked.

this would be the point of someone saying, regardless what woody did... or, whether woody did anything or not, type comments and i sit with mouth open as it is defended, excused, and finger pointed at those that called it out.

I sat and listened while a Stellenbosch student friend of my ex boasted to him about how he had just "fucked a slut that was too drunk to know what was going on". When I got upset, I was told to lighten up.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

2. Great post! nt

[Tuesday Afternoon]

3. Is it more socially acceptable to make a sexist joke than it is to object to one?

On DU3, in the lounge especially, it most definitely is. Sexy time in the Lounge is de rigueur.

[redqueen]

4. I'd say that it's true just about everywhere.

The only exceptions being in feminist groups and at work (and only because of sexual harassment laws, thanks to Catharine MacKinnon).

[Tuesday Afternoon]

5. yeah. true.

[CrispyQ]

8. I was surprised to learn that you don't have to be the victim of sexual harassment

to report sexual harassment.

I know a young man who told a joke with sexual overtones to a young woman who laughed & wasn't offended. However, another woman overhead & made the complaint. He was written up & suspended for a few days. He made it clear that he thought it was unfair because the woman he told the joke to didn't mind. HR said, too bad. It's the law.

Overall, it was good of the company. Not only did a lot of people learn the scope of the law, it sent a strong message that SH would not be tolerated. They were many young people working there, who were great kids for the most part, but not very experienced in the work place. A lot of them realized, "Hey, I'm at work & can't act like I'm hanging with my friends."

edit: Perhaps I used victim in the wrong sense here, since the woman who overheard the joke is the victim in this case.

[seabeyond]

9. if another woman heard it, he was not telling that joke to just one person that thought funny. nt

[CrispyQ]

10. I think the woman who overheard was in the next cube over.

I've seen that a lot in cube work spaces, people forget that just because they can't be seen that they can be heard. Cube world is weird.

[seabeyond]

11. i get it. doesnt matter. lol. nt

[redqueen]

12. Wow I didn't know that either.

Thanks!

[CrispyQ]

6. Wow, this statement really distills the issue, doesn't it?

...this means he expects me to not identify as female. I must equip male eyes when I view this joke.

And male eyes when I view advertisements, & TV & movies, & on the internet & on & on & on.

[seabeyond]

7. And male eyes when I view advertisements, & TV & movies, & on the internet & on & on & on.

good point. and right on

[redqueen]

13. It really does.

When discussing the objectification of women, it's often pointed out how we are all indoctrinated to internalize the male gaze.

Until we become aware of this distortion, the way we see everything is filtered through that lens. And even after we are aware of it, it sometimes escapes notice.