Phyllis Chesler

[seabeyond]

http://www.phyllis-chesler.com/550/interview-on-womans-inhumanity-to-woman

good video, but i dont know how to get it here. also, lol, i am a firm believe on saying it how i feel, in anger if that is the feel and we can handle it. not nice for the sake of niceness, repress and smile. the authentic self. i also know A LOT of people have issue with this. ah well. i like this woman. i dont know much about her past. the book: Woman's Inhumanity to Woman,


I think the first thing to is to have a teach-in at the school that tells girls that girls are capable of being mean and cliquish and exclusionary. That girls whisper and gossip and slander. This, sadly, is normal. Therefore, the first thing to do is tell girls that this will be happening, and that they should not blame themselves if it happens to them, and they should feel ashamed that they've caused it. Indeed, what they should do is come to their teacher, who should be trained to take it seriously and not dismiss it. The teacher should stop the forms of bullying that are usually invisible, because girls don't hit each other. That means when a girl enters the cafeteria and her best friend no longer talks to her and has buddied up with another girl, and they either turn their back, roll their eyes, laugh, and refuse to let her sit down with them, that that's an example of how girls intimidate and harass each other. It's a more subtle thing than a fist fight in the school yard.

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Boys and men are allowed to confront and compete directly. They learn rules of engagement. There are winners and losers. After the game is over, the winners and losers may get drunk together. Girls go much more deeply into intimate relationship, and when the smallest thing goes wrong because of our very high expections from that relationship, we don't have an out-and-out fight. We smile and say "that's alright", and then we do a grudge that will not quit. Therefore, the solution is to help women acknowledge our aggression and competition, help women devise rules of engagement so that we can fight fair and then have dinner afterwards.

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Very often women leaders in a male-dominated system are only tokens in that system, and must be twice as good as her male counterpart and is under much greater pressure. She must also keep other women down, because there might be room for only one or two at the top. Finally, she's there because she has internalized the views of the men at the top. What happens is all of us, men and women, understand that male leaders yell, scream, dominate, denigrate, and humiliate. We accept it and take it as a given. We tend to forgive it or overlook it if the man is a great leader. If the great leader is a woman, we expect her to be our fairy godmother, and when she's just like a male great leader, we then decide she's the evil stepmother and demonize her. However, I've interviewed hundreds of women, some of whom describe being treated like indentured servants on the job by female bosses who resemble the ancient mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships in China, Japan and India. And likewise, women professionals and leaders at a high level have described unremitting envy, distance, a coldness, and sabotage from female subordinates. This seems to be a worldwide phenomenon.

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In the book I have three chapters on mothers and daughters, and I think it's a primal relationship, and therefore can be greatly positive AND negative. Older and younger women at one level are competing for limited male resources. At another level, they really want the other to choose HER over the man, because that is part of what I call merging in ecstatic union with the Mother Goddess. For daughters to get out from under that intense maternal umbrella develope intense friendships, and they also do psychological versions of what Electra did to Clytemnestra; namely they "kill" their mothers. In both instances, though, is for her mother to prefer her, not a male son, and not a male lover. When mothers see their daughters leaving home, they're afraid of losing them. To understand older and younger women, you also have to understand the mother - and daugher-in-law relationship. In the workplace, women are shadowed by these early family dynamics. Your female superior isn't just your woman boss, she's also your mother figure who's either very good or very bad. Since you're not her daughter, how do you make an alliance with her?

http://www.usatoday.com/community/chat/2002-04-11-chesler.htm

[niyad]

1. k and r --thank you for sharing this.

I had the opportunity to meet and talk with her many years ago. truly a most remarkable woman.

[seabeyond]

2. how fun is that.

good for you.

my son and i were talking about this yesterday, about the girls in high school and what he sees. i am recognizing it a lot today. i dont know that i saw it so much growing up. i never was a big joiner in any social group, so i did not really get this. but over the last decade and being on this board and around more because i have kids and am forced to, i am recognizing what this woman is saying. i dont know if it is worse today or i recognize it more.

[BlueIris]

3. Interesting.

Thanks for posting. The woman against woman wars have been an interest of mine ever since reading Alice Walker's Possessing the Secret of Joy.