Wait Wut
Wait Wut's JournalI'm 50 today.
50 years ago, Johnson was elected President. On the day I was born. I won't get into all that. I'll just say my parents were Kennedy/Chicago Dems, so I was raised the same.
My life has been difficult, a never ending series of disappointments. It never stopped me. My bestfriend back in Chicago called me a fatal optimist. Nothing could ever knock me down. At 16, I told friends that I couldn't wait until I turned 50. I had dreams of becoming an attorney and later a politician. Hey, I was born on election day. It was in the cards...I figured. It didn't turn out that way. 50 was my road marker. I would be successful by 50.
I didn't expect my 50th to be like this. Up until a week ago, my plans were to take my first real vacation in over 10 years with my husband. Nothing terribly exciting. He was taking me to Albuquerque. A city that I've been fascinated by for several years. Instead, I threw him out of the house. My house is almost packed up, I'm moving to KCMO with my son and DIL, I have no job lined up, I'm broke, have to get rid of my three cats, I'm terrified...and alone, today.
But, that fatal optimism is still struggling to take over. It's tired after this many years. That little guy in my head is whipped. He's running out of positive things to whisper. I'm trying.
I miss the Midwest. My initial goal was to move back to Chicago, but I can't afford all the deposits, etc. to get my own place despite the job offers. I'll only be an 8 hour drive or 6 hour Amtrak ride to the city. That's better than 2 days. I'll get there just in time for winter. That's okay, I can look forward to a real spring. No job offers, not a problem. I have a decent resume, will work for far less than my worth, and can sell myself well. The best part, I'll be with my son and his wife. Two of the most important people in my life. My DIL is so excited. She has my room ready and is driving my son crazy with details.
I'm scared, yes. Heartbroken because I can't find homes for my babies and will probably need to hand them over to the Humane Society where they will more than likely be put down. I get to pay $120 for the privilege. Money I don't have.
I have no choice but to look forward. To hope, to dream, to stay strong. Today, it's a little more difficult.
In honor of my birthday and all of the election days past, vote...vote for Democrats.
And, finally, something that is killing me. I'm desperate. http://www.gofundme.com/gc3d2g
Arizona DUers...
...I have to give up my three cats. I have to move to Missouri, and they can't come with me. This is a desperate situation, so anyone that thinks they have room for them, or knows someone who may, please...please let me know.
This is Chili Pepper and Snoopy. I'd love to find a place for them together. They're very close. They would probably get along with other cats, in time. Chili would probably not mind at all. Dogs, not sure. They've been near dogs, and weren't aggressive towards them, but I can't say for sure. They're both very affectionate, completely non-aggressive towards people. They both seem "okay" around children, but haven't had to live with them. They're both 9 years old.
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This is Squeak, she's special. She's very affectionate and non-aggressive towards people, but she CAN NOT be around other animals or children. She's 100% lap cat, but will take a little time to get used to her surroundings. Once that happens, she's the sweetest little girl on earth. She had some brain damage at birth, so she always looks a little freaked out. That's normal. Think Grumpy cat without the frown.
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I really appreciate any help, at all. I've contacted all the local no-kill shelters and they won't take them. Either no space or they're too old. My last resort will be the Humane Society and they won't guarantee that they wouldn't be put to sleep. These are my babies and my heart is completely broken. I'm running out of options.
The Fear
The shock and numbness has subsided, now I have "The Fear". What the hell am I thinking? I'll be 50 years old next Tuesday and I'm packing up and moving to another state. I'm broke, have three soon-to-be homeless cats, no job lined up...I'm fucking scared to death.
Last nite, after finishing packing up the bedroom I decided to take a break. Bad idea. Breaks mean your mind has a chance to do its own thing. It decided to go into full panic mode. I was all alone, watching something useless on TV and I started shaking.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I can't tell my "RL" friends any of this. They'd worry too much and start showing up at my door. What's worse than being terrified alone? Having social anxiety and people showing up at your door. People who love you and make you cry. Fuck that. I feel safe telling you people. Y'know...just in case I go off the deep end and I need character witnesses or sumthin'. Plus, unlike the people that know me, you won't feel the need to endlessly tell me what a strong and independent woman I am. Like that matters in a situation like this. Strong and independent women still have nervous breakdowns.
Love you all. You're a special little group of misfits.
It's over.
Edit 2: Thank you so very much for the support. I'm doing okay, but I've got a lot ahead of me. I'm a little scared, but already have the wheels in motion to start over. I've been away from Chicago for far too long. Whether I end up there or in KCMO with my son, I'll have the city within driving distance. The shock is still keeping me sane, along with the love and support of friends and family and my DU friends. I honestly can't tell you how much it means to me.
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Threw the future ex out. Have to move back to the Midwest within the next few weeks. I'm completely broke and will need to use credit cards for the move with no promised employment once I get there. A friend suggested that I do this GoFundMe thing. I hate begging, but I really am desperate.
I have to start packing, now. Yuck.
gofundme.com/gc3d2g
Edit: I should probably add that I'm okay. Just a little scared. I'm turning 50 in 1.5 weeks and starting over is...overwhelming.
Happy tears...
...one of the most important people in my life is now legally married in WI. It's taken much too long.
Let me just throw out a general GRATZ! to you all.
Yeah, I'm all freakin' sappy, today. Don't get used to it. 
Kali...you have until Monday to check in.
If your smiling smilie doesn't show up by then, expect a drone.
Any of these will be acceptable: 
Uhhhhh...I should probably clarify. The drone will not be carrying any weaponry, just a loudspeaker and camera. Don't shoot at it.
Hold me. My Albert is in the hospital.
Albert is my 4 year old iMac. He wouldn't wake up this morning. Just stared at me with that unblinking, Apple shaped eye. After taking his temp and trying some home remedies, it looks like he's got a bad HD. 
The nurse told me he'd be there for at least 48 hours (2 working days, or 50 years in nerd time.). It will more than likely be 4-5 days before he can come home.
My husband will be devastated. I'm going to have to watch TeeVee with him or let him watch me play video games. Poor guy.
I'm not even at home and I can already feel the deafening silence, the empty space on my desk, the brightness of the small lamp behind where he would sit.
I'm scared.
My son's best friend just made me cry.
My son moved to MO a year ago with his wife. His bf from the Marines had gotten him a job there. I was supposed to go see them this summer with a side trip to Chicago to see my sister, but the money gods had other plans. I miss them so much it hurts. On top of that, life has just been downright disappointing, lately. I've been freakin' sad.
His buddy just texted me and asked if I could get a long weekend for my son's upcoming birthday. He wants to buy me a plane ticket.
Damnit. I don't know what to do. His buddy just bought a house, a new dog, a new bike, etc. I hate thinking of him paying, but even $281 is a lot of money for me, at the moment. I was also (lying to myself) and saying that I would save up the money to take a week off and see them next spring and then drive over to see my sister. This would sort of negate that whole scenario.
I need some happy in my life. I don't know what to do. Crap.
I'm not sure how to do this.
I'm having a really bad week and today just got worse. I could use a positive thought or sumthin'. I'm not one of those people that asks for whatever it is I'm asking for, so it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I'm pretty damned sad, though, and have no one to talk to that wouldn't spill it to everyone else (small towns...yuck).
Pics of pygmy goats will help, too. Jokes, whatever.
Edit: This place is awesome. Thank you. 
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Member since: Sat Jan 22, 2011, 10:51 AMNumber of posts: 8,492
