Taking the plunge - issues & motivation

[Cabcere]

:hi: Hello everyone, I've been debating whether or not to post in this group ever since I first joined DU almost a year ago, and finally decided to do it. You all seem like a very cool and supportive bunch, so here goes...

I've pretty much always been fat - or at least, I've always felt that way. When I was in kindergarten I remember asking my mom to buy me Slim-Fast because I felt like I needed it. :scared: :wtf: (Yeah, I don't know either - freaking kindergarten?!) According to my doctors I was within the normal weight range for most of my childhood, but I was always on the bigger end of the "norm" and I kept gaining weight even after I stopped growing. I am 5'7" and I now weigh about 230 pounds. I know I should lose weight for several reasons, but I have a lot of hang-ups. You ready? Here goes:

- I don't look as heavy as I am. Yeah, I'm not skinny, but hardly anybody just looking at me would guess that I weigh over 200 pounds. I've been that way for as long as I can remember, too. :shrug:

- Near the end of my freshman year of high school, I lost a fair amount of weight over a short period of time. It wasn't particularly healthy - my dad yelled at me one day for eating too much, and I just snapped. I practically starved myself and worked out obsessively, and yeah, I did lose weight, but I felt dizzy all the time from not having any food in my stomach, and it wasn't fun. I dropped two pants sizes, though, and I felt good about that...but no one else noticed. :( And when I look back at pictures of "skinny" me from that time period, I still look fat. :shrug:

- I love to eat food, especially unhealthy crap like desserts. And I tend to go overboard when I eat - I don't just get one chocolate chip cookie, I take four or five and gobble them down. :( I think part of this is emotional, too. I was diagnosed with depression at age sixteen (I'm 21 now), and eating sweets helped me feel better. I'm on SSRIs, which actually don't affect my appetite, and it seems like the weight gain is primarily from me sitting on my ass and eating junk food...which kind of brings me to my next point.

- I've never been a really big fan of exercise. My elementary school gym teachers were mean and my middle school gym teacher was a pervert, so from a young age I associated forced exercise with...not a good time. That changed when I got to college and joined the rowing team, which was great. I absolutely loved rowing, and it got me in the best shape of my life - I gained about ten pounds of muscle and felt great. But then I sprained a ligament in my back pretty severely at one of the regattas, and had to take a semester off. :( I was in such pain during that time that I couldn't even really exercise at all - it hurt to walk, stand, sit, lie down, anything. The next year I tried to go back, and did OK for a while, but eventually my back gave out again and I realized I'd have to give up rowing for good if I didn't want to inflict permanent damage. :( So the one form of exercise that I truly loved (and that was just about the perfect workout) is no longer a viable option for me.

- Finally, I have emotional/romantic issues relating to my weight. In my current state of obesity, if a guy is interested in me, I KNOW he likes me for my personality. If he says I'm beautiful, even like this, he must really feel strongly about me and love me for who I am, which is a wonderful feeling. I have been in a relationship like that, and part of me tries to rationalize staying fat because he says he likes my curves. The logical part of my brain knows that even if I lost a hundred pounds I'd still have curves, and he'd still like me for who I am. :shrug: But I think maybe I'm scared of being conventionally "pretty." I'm not terrible-looking, I don't think, and if I did lose 50-70 pounds I might be decent-looking and maybe on par with "normal" pretty girls. And I wouldn't know how to handle that. I've always been "the ugly one" (if you'll pardon the Teen Girl Squad reference ;)) who had to rely on wit and personality to get by, and I think that has made me who I am. I don't want to trade personality for looks (which I know is a ridiculous concept, but somehow I can't help but feel that if I did lose a lot of weight and become conventionally attractive, I would be judged on appearance rather than personality - although to be fair, as a fat person I already am judged on appearance rather than personality). :shrug:


Anyway. So there's the clusterf*ck of issues about my weight, and thanks to you all for listening/taking the time to read this post. :hug: :hi: Peace.

[lavenderdiva]

1. Welcome, Cabcere!

I'm so glad to read your post and know a bit more about you. I don't think your issues are too far from those we all face. Each of us has found or is trying different ways to tackle the extra weight we are carrying, and we come here for support. You're in the right place!

I think you hit the nail on the head, when you said that no matter what size you are, you will always be judged on appearance, at least initially. Hopefully, those who are meaningful will stick around a bit longer to see what a wonderful personality you have, and be won over by that. It sounds like you need to learn to trust your judgment about others a bit more, and be able to discern if someone is really liking you for who you are. But first, I think you need to see that you are not average, you are one of a kind. There is a special someone out there who is going to love you for you, a healthy you. You need to love yourself first, and that means loving yourself enough to lose the weight you need to, to become healthier and be around a good, long time!

Take it one day at a time, and don't get overwhelmed. We're all trying to do just that- :hug:

[Cabcere]

2. Thanks, lavenderdiva!

:hug: I really appreciate your words of wisdom and encouragement. :) I think a lot of my issues stem from a poor self-image, and if I can work on that then I can accomplish other goals. My good friend/sometimes-boyfriend has been really great in getting me to take that first step, but I still struggle with it sometimes. Thanks again for the support - I really appreciate it! :pals: :hi: Peace.

[Droopy]

3. Welcome Cabcere

Here's my little bit of advice. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself. It's all up to you.

I've been losing weight because I'd gotten to the point that the extra weight I was carrying was making me feel bad. I also want to live a long time and I knew that the 87 extra pounds (and growing) that I was carrying would probably have put me to an early grave if I did not do something about it. 44 down, 43 to go. :)

If you decide that you would like to lose weight keep it simple. One thing that worked for me in the early going was to identify a weakness and try to change that first. For me it was sugar and beer. For the first month that I was on my diet I did not consume any of that. Now that I've learned to control the urges that were making me consume too much sugar and beer, I find that I can have both of those things without going overboard. A candy bar every once in a while or a couple of beers here and there won't hurt me, but eating 1200 calories a day from sugar rich foods and drinking a case of beer on the weekend sure as hell will!

[hedgehog]

4. You mentioned being on SSRIs.

I think you should discuss body image and eating issues with whoever prescribed them. You should also get advice as to whether your weight is putting your health at risk. Some forms of depression cause the body to crave carbohydrates, if you are still craving carbs maybe you need to switch SSRIs. Also, beware - some SSRIs are notorious for making people gain a couple of pounds a year.

What did you like about rowing; companionship, pulling against resistance, the cardiovascular workout? Can you reproduce that with another exercise? Speed walking with a buddy, swimming, working with weights are options that come to mind. Don't exercise with an idea to losing weight but aim for keeping yourself limber and strong.

Take good care of yourself and be kind.

[Wapsie B]

5. Welcome Cabcere!

I agree with your statement about being judged by appearance than who you are as a person. I understand totally, even as a middle-aged guy.