Emotional expressiveness

[SarahB]

This is, perhaps, my follow up piece to last night's "How much of a dork are you?" http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x1381675

I guess sometimes I feel like a dork because I am, once again, a person who is very in touch with myself emotionally and I'm not scared (mostly) to express them and feel them and I think sometimes I get a little self-conscious because of this. For many years, I tried to suppress my emotions, my passions, my very being because it was easier than having to face things I didn't want to face about myself and about relationships in my life (with my husband, my family, etc.) I ate too much to comfort myself and I think now subconsciously to not have to face any temptation that could conceivably come with being a more attractive woman (I was still cute when heavier, but in reality, given our culture, my options were more limited). Sometimes when I was stressed I'd smoke too which wasn't healthy in the least. Thank goodness any other vices were kept to rather a minimum. (I'm not judging others, I just expect a lot out of myself I suppose.) One truth I had to face once I finally lost this weight and stopped smoking was that I was going to fall back into my old patterns of self-destructive behaviors if I didn't change and really become self-aware and evolved enough to truly understand who I was and what I wanted.

Years ago, I was involved with someone who told me, "Sarah, what I love about you most is that I never have to guess what you are thinking or feeling." He also used to say to me, "You're never dull." That's the core of me. That's who I am. That's the self I tried to deny for so long to try to be what I thought everyone expected me to be. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say here other than a reminder to myself not to eat a 1/2 gallon of ice cream or smoke a pack of Camel Lights tonight, but I just feel rather raw at the moment and felt like saying this. Sometimes I've felt pain by saying how I felt or letting my cards out on the table. I know I've hurt my husband by not being able to be the kind of woman he needs anymore, but if I deny what is within me, I am again....lost. I fear a loss of self more than I fear pain and to deny my feelings is a loss of self whether they mean anything to anyone else or not. I don't want to wake up one day and I'm 80 years old, not being who I wanted to be, feeling what I wanted to feel, and living the life that I could be capable of. I will no longer fear what's inside me.

I'm not sure if I make sense to anyone, but probably does to those who have been through various changes and challenges throughout the course of their own lives.

End of transmission. :)