Get ready: How the media will spin Kerry and Chimp on the debate

[Sparkly]

Don't be surprised! Here's how the media will cover Kerry's and Chimp's debate performance:

Kerry:
If he's serious, they'll say he's glum, gloomy, pessimistic, and uninspiring.
If he's jovial, they'll say he's phony and trying too hard.

Chimp:
If he's serious, he's, presidential, the war-time commander in chief.
If he's jovial, everybody wants to have a beer with him.

Kerry:
If he's forceful, they'll say he's too aggressive, mean, negative, desperate.
If he's calm, they'll say he's weak, unsteady, dull, lacks energy.

Chimp:
If he's forceful, he's strong, resolute, unwavering.
If he's calm, he's prepared, on-message, disciplined, reserved.

Kerry:
If he's specific, they'll say he's wonkish, presenting "laundry lists," being overly-intellectual, show-offy, and nobody likes the smart kid.
If he's not specific, they'll say he's vague, criticizing but not offering solutions, not addressing the issues, and nobody knows who he is.

Chimp:
If he's specific, he "lays out his plan" and "makes his case."
If he's not specific, he's spanning the issues, giving a global presentation, painting a broad outline of his plans.

Kerry:
If he jokes, they'll say he lacks gravitas, trivializes important issues, doesn't understand troops are in harm's way, nation's at war, disrespects the president, etc.
If he doesn't joke, they'll say he needs to lighten up, he's too stoney, he's wooden.

Chimp:
If he jokes, he's a man of the people, a regular guy, people relate to him.
If he doesn't joke, he truly cares about the American people and his sincerity resonates with voters in this difficult time.

Plus, if he finds his podium and doesn't trip on his way to it, he's surpassed all expectations. (Extra points for correct pronunciation of "Abu Ghraib" or "nuclear.")