One year and 20 days days hence I wish to hear ..............

[Stinky The Clown]

As the new President of the United States, it is tradition that my remarks are directed at the American people. This year, I find that inadequate. I am making these remarks to the entire world.

On behalf of the citizens of the United States, I wish to express my deepest apologies to you. The actions of this country and its government over the last eight years have been the antithesis of what the United States stands for and what its citizens believe. Today we move in a new direction. Back to the Future.

I am unable to stand here today and express with any certainty the reasons for the way we have acted over the last eight years. Neither am I able to stand before you and name those who caused such actions. I am certain, however, they do not reflect the will or the wishes of the vast majority of Americans.

It is, therefore, my pledge to the world that I will bring to bear the full weight of the government of the people of the United States to investigate the actions of those who caused us to become the miserable world citizens you understandably think we were. Where crimes may be found to have been committed, we will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. There can be no immunity for those who commit crimes while in positions of public trust, whether elected or appointed to such positions. Today, as my first official act, I seat and empower the Extraconstitutional Crimes Commission, chaired by the Honorable Mario Cuomo, which has the singular mission of investigating and prosecuting all actions taken over the last eight years to subvert the Constitution of the United States of America.

The Attorney General of the United States will begin immediately to vigorously investigate and prosecute lesser crimes against society. Common thievery, larceny, bribery, cronyism, and similar common crime, committed by any in the public trust, will not be tolerated in the future, nor ignored in the past.

I will also be seeking the approval of the newly elected Democratic Congress to rejoin the World Court, and to make such membership eight years retroactive. Where crimes are found to have been committed by American citizens against people outside our borders, the World Court shall have appropriate jurisdiction and we shall honor that and support the Court’s activities.

Where the above actions may be unprecedented in the history of the United States, any group who would do harm to the United States should take no comfort. Our strength and resolve to maintain our security is unbowed and unwavering.

We are, however, a nation who now resolves to be a model world citizen. As a first step, I am ordering the Joint Chiefs of Staff to set out a plan within the next 30 days to have all our military forces, and all civilian support for those forces, out of Iraq within 90 days. Further, the United States hereby severs all contractual relationships with so-called ‘private security firms’ and immediately orders them off foreign soil in our name.

Our nation has a proud history as the world’s oldest democracy and as a champion of freedom and peace the world over. That reputation has been badly tarnished. While the foregoing are immediate steps I am ordering, they are by no means the last. My administration will be focused on two main endeavors: restoration of our standing in the world community and restoration of the social fabric of American life.

On this you have my word.