The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 305

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 305

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 305

August 27, 2007
Wham, Bam, Thank You Nam Edition

This week George W. Bush (1) suggests that we should still be fighting the Vietnam War, The Bush Administration (2) is sending mixed messages to the Iraqi government, and Fred Thompson (4) is loafing around in Iowa. Elsewhere, Melanie Morgan (5), the Family Research Council (6) and Ted Nugent (7) lay out their plan for a united America. (It involves stomping on U.S. troops, comparing homosexuals to corpses, and shooting Democrats.) Don't forget the key...

George W. Bush

Last week George W. Bush conjured up the specter of Vietnam as an example of why - get this - we should stay in Iraq. Despite the fact that Vietnam now has normalized relations with the United States, apparently things would have been much better if we were still there fighting the Viet Cong today. But nooooo, we had to leave, didn't we? And now Our Great Leader has to do boring things like talk to their stupid prime minister about international trade agreements. Yawn! No wonder Bush is disappointed that we left.

Ironically, if we'd never left Vietnam Bush might have had to go there and wear that outfit for real. Oh, I'm not saying that he wouldn't have gone. You can bet that if the U.S. hadn't pulled out of Vietnam in 1975 and instead decided to "surge" the troop levels in a last-ditch attempt at victory, a patriotic and able-bodied George W. Bush would have been leading from the front. Sure he would have.

So as I was saying, according to Our Great Leader, the occupation of Iraq has many historical parallels to the Vietnam War.

Funnily enough...

"I have also heard a number of observers, including some Senators, who have compared events in Iraq to what we went through in Vietnam. I happen to know something about Vietnam, and I know we do not face another Vietnam. I need not go into the long history of our involvement in that nation, the reasons for our failure, but the realities on the ground in Iraq are clear." -- John McCain, http://www.nationalreview.com/document/mccain200404080912.asp">2004

"The only thing the insurgencies in Iraq and Vietnam have in common is that in both cases American forces have fought revolutionaries. To make comparisons or draw lessons beyond that basic point misunderstands not only the particular historical cases, but also the value of studying history to draw lessons for the present." -- Fred Kagan, http://www.hoover.org/publications/policyreview/2920091.html">2005

"Sen. John McCain rebuked his Senate colleague and good friend Chuck Hagel on Sunday, saying that the Nebraska Republican was wrong to claim last week that Iraq was becoming another Vietnam." -- Newsmax, http://www.newsmax.com/archives/ic/2005/8/28/161155.shtml">2005

"Referring to comparisons to Vietnam made by some critics, Rumsfeld attacked arguments that any emerging government in Iraq is doomed to collapse under the insurgency." -- CNN, http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/08/23/rumsfeld.iraq/index.html">2005

"I think the two situations are not comparable..." -- Tony Snow, http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2006/11/20061116-7.html">2006

"...no, I think that, first of all, historical parallels (between Iraq and Vietnam) are I think not very helpful, and I don't think they happen to be right. -- Condoleezza Rice, http://www.rawstory.com/news/2006/Rice_No_magic_or_silver_bullets_1115.html">2006

And lest we forget...

"I think the analogy is false. I also happen to think that analogy sends the wrong message to our troops, and sends the wrong message to the enemy." -- George W. Bush, http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2004/04/20040413-20.html">2004

The Bush Administration

Yes, there's nothing like a good mixed message to win some hearts and minds - and if you think the Vietnam thing was bad, wait till you get a load of this. It turns out that George W. Bush is such a big fan of Iraq's elected leader Nouri al-Maliki that last week the White House posted a new page on their website "setting the record straight" on Bush's views:

Trying to underscore the administration's commitment to al-Maliki, National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe told reporters that Bush continued to have confidence in the prime minister and that his level of support had not changed.

The page was put up around the same time that Our Great Leader was out and about reminding everyone hows much he digs his bro Maliki. According to AFP:

US President George W. Bush on Wednesday reaffirmed his support for embattled Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, calling him a "good man with a difficult job." "Prime Minister Maliki's a good guy, good man, with a difficult job, and I support him," said Bush, who was seeking to dispel any sense that Washington has been distancing itself from the beleaguered government in Baghdad.

So why would people be getting a "sense that Washington has been distancing itself from the beleaguered government in Baghdad?" Maybe because:

A powerhouse Republican lobbying firm with close ties to the White House has begun a public campaign to undermine the government of Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, CNN has confirmed.

I see. But that's not all - despite Bush's public proclamations of support for the Maliki government, Time magazine reported last week that:

Some analysts have begun to talk about the "Musharraf option" - a Pakistan-style military dictatorship under a strongman willing to pursue U.S. interests. Sunni politicians have openly said they would prefer this to a Prime Minister from the Shi'ite Islamist parties.

Hmm... a dictatorship under a military strongman who is acceptable to Sunnis and willing to pursue U.S. interests? Now where have I heard that before...?

Roger Stone

Here's a brilliant bit of GOP strategizing - from the Globe & Mail last week:

Last month, Attorney-General Andrew Cuomo issued a damning report that found two of Mr. Spitzer's aides improperly used the state police to gather travel records about his Republican arch-nemesis, Senate Majority Leader Joseph Bruno, which were turned over to the news media.

Hmm, sounds troubling. You'd think that the GOP would want to steer well clear of this, given the problems they've had over the past few years with scandals on top of scandals on top of scandals. You'd think they might just want to sit back and enjoy a scandal that they're not involved in, for once.

Well think again! Not content to let the investigation run its course, some joker decided to leave an obscene voicemail for Elliot Spitzer's 83-year-old father, who is ill with Parkinson's Disease.

This is a message for Bernard Spitzer. You will be subpoenaed to testify before the Senate committee on investigations on your shady campaign loans. You will be compelled by the Senate sergeant-at-arms. If you resist the subpoena, you will be arrested and brought to Albany, and there's not a god damned thing your phony, psycho, piece of shit son can do about it. Bernie, your phony loans are about to catch up with you. You will be forced to tell the truth, and the fact your son's a pathological liar will be known to all.

Unfortunately for the joker in question, police were able to trace the call back to its origin, which, funnily enough, happened to be the home of veteran GOP operative Roger Stone, who, funnily enough, happened to be working for Joseph Bruno.

Stone initially claimed he was set up. According to the Globe & Mail:

Private detectives traced the call to the home of Roger Stone, a political consultant who was earning $20,000 (U.S.) a month to advise Mr. Bruno and the Senate Republicans. Mr. Stone, who has worked with Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and even Donald Trump - and earned a reputation as a hard-nosed strategist - denied the allegations on his website, stonezone.com. Moreover, he noted that his landlord, with whom he has a fractious relationship, is a fundraiser for Mr. Spitzer, and raised the spectre that someone could have been let into his apartment to make the threatening phone call.

At the end of his statement, he even produced an alibi: he said he was watching a play called Frost/Nixon the night the call was made.

"I highly recommend it to Governor Spitzer," he wrote. "It shows you what hubris and lying brings you."

Fair enough. Except...

There was only one problem, as New York Magazine pointed out on its website yesterday: That production was not running on the night in question.

Mr. Stone later backtracked, telling one reporter that his wife reminded him he actually saw the play on a Wednesday.

Apparently this excuse wasn't good enough for the state GOP, who promptly fired Stone. According to the New York Daily News:

Bruno insisted he had no idea what Stone did or didn't do, but said the allegations were "serious enough, despicable enough" for the Senate Republicans to end their relationship with him.

Bruno confirmed that he had asked Stone to depart, and said the connection between the majority and their erstwhile consultant has been severed "totally and completely."

Weird, isn't it? Like Roger Stone thought to himself, "A scandal taking place without the GOP? Unthinkable! Let me get a piece of that action!"

Fred Thompson

"Phone-it-in" Fred Thompson has been hanging around Iowa in his Gucci loafers recently, apparently still "testing the waters" for a presidential campaign. Reasonable people might argue that perhaps it's time for him to stop dipping his toes in and take the plunge. But not so fast! Apparently Fred wants people to know that if he were to be elected president he'd be just as secretive and underhanded as George W. Bush, hence his insistence on covering up his campaign finances and activities.

Unfortunately for Fred, liberal blogger Lane Hudson filed a complaint with the FEC last week, accusing Thompson of "ignoring the letter and spirit of Federal Election Law for his own political benefit." Very nice. And it's not like Fred has much of an excuse. According to ABC News:

In June Thompson signed a long-term lease on a Nashville location for his national campaign headquarters. He's been to Iowa and New Hampshire, and headlined GOP dinners.

Moreover, when Thompson filed his disclosure form with the IRS, he revealed that $72,000 of the $3.4 million raised is to be used for the general election. Former FEC General Counsel, Larry Noble told the Washington Post "I think it's problematic. Clearly it's a red flag."

Fred's excuse? In the history of political chutzpah, this one's up there with the best of them:

Thompson's campaign says that he's complying with all rules and regulations, and Thompson has cast all questions about this in terms of him not doing things the way Washington, DC, insiders want them to be done.

Clever stuff! Perhaps Thompson should use it in his next stump speech, er, I mean, informal chat.

"Hey, those stoopid Washington DC insiders want a president who's going to follow the law! Well outside the Beltway we don't believe in the so-called law! If you want a president who's gonna wave his dick in the face of American jurisprudence, look no further than Fred Thompson! I pledge to be more reticent and obstructive than George W. Bush, and you can take that to the bank!"

Melanie Morgan

A couple of weeks ago, right-wing radio nut Melanie Morgan freaked out about VoteVets.org chairman Jon Soltz, complaining that by speaking out about Iraq, he's "in violation of the United States Marine Corps Code of Justice."

Just a few problems with that.

1) There's no such thing as the "United States Marine Corps Code of Justice"

2) Even if there was, Soltz is a captain in the Army, not the Marines

3) And he's also a member of the Reserves. According to Media Matters, "military law does not prohibit reservists from engaging in political activities. Indeed, several members of Congress are members of the U.S. military reserve, including Rep. Stephen Buyer (R-IN), a colonel in the Army Reserve; Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), a colonel in the Air Force Reserve; and Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL), a Naval Reserve intelligence officer."

But Morgan wasn't finished yet! She followed up her completely erroneous and stupid remarks with this bombshell last week:

Jon Soltz is still a hypocritical cockroach. He needs to be stomped on and neutralized before he and his ilk can silence military support for the mission in Iraq.

Gosh, did she really just say that members of the United States military who hold opposing viewpoints are "cockroaches" who need to be "stomped on and neutralized?" Way to support the troops, idiot!

The Family Research Council

Hey, remember the Republican "family values" crowd? They were all the rage in 2004, when Karl Rove managed to lure fundies to the polls by baiting them with anti-gay-marriage referenda. Since then, GOP pervert after GOP pervert has been caught with his pants down (or with his diaper down, or with someone else's pants down) and "family values" (read: anti-gay bigotry) has taken a bit of a back seat.

In fact, the formerly powerful Family Research Council has become so desperate for attention that they've gone beyond the "man on dog" argument and are now comparing gay marriage to necrophilia. According to Pandagon:

In Rhode Island, a same-sex couple married in Massachusetts is seeking a divorce; because their marriage was not recognized in R.I., when they filed for divorce, it is now in the courts to decide whether it can be dissolved there.

FRC decided to weigh in on the matter by filing a brief to argue that the marriage cannot be recognized (even though there is no law in R.I. banning same-sex marriage), citing this unhinged thinking:

"Following the logic of the appellants and their supporters, man/animal marriage and man/deceased woman marriage must be permitted under Rhode Island law simply because the General Assembly has not expressly prohibited it."

Brilliant argument. Because two consenting adults of the same sex entering into a committed legal partnership is almost exactly the same as someone marrying a cadaver.

Ted Nugent

And while we're on the subject of irrelevant conservative douchebags, The Nuge was back in the news last week after going for broke at a concert in Anaheim. Nugent strode around the stage waving a machine gun in each hand and shouted:

I was in Chicago last week I said, "Hey Obama, you might want to suck on one of these, you punk?" Obama, he's a piece of shit and I told him to suck on one of my machine guns. Let's hear it for them. I was in New York and I said, "Hey Hillary, you might want to ride one of these into the sunset you worthless bitch." Since I'm in California, I'm gonna find Barbara Boxer she might wanna suck on my machine guns. Hey, Dianne Feinstein, ride one of these you worthless whore.

So, Ted can probably expect a visit from the Secret Service some time soon. But really, is this the best they can do? Gay marriage is the same as raping a corpse? Barrack Obama is a piece of shit, Hillary Clinton and Dianne Feinsten are worthless bitches and whores, they need to suck on and/or ride Ted Nugent's machine guns? Members of the U.S military are cockroaches who need to be stomped on and neutralized?

Is this the best the right-wing has to offer? Roll on 2008...

Tom Cole

Speaking of 2008, someone should probably get the Republicans a calendar. Last week the Washington Post reported that Tom Cole, chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee, seems to be a bit confused about the date of the 2008 elections.

Apparently Cole sent out a fundraising letter to GOP supporters which read, "We only need to win back 16 Congressional seats ... we have only 16 months in which to make it happen!"

Except... 16 months from the date the letter was sent would be December 21, which is about seven weeks after the elections are scheduled to take place on November 4.

Kudos to DCCC spokeswoman Jennifer Crider who remarked, "We wish Tom Cole and the NRCC luck in their December 21st election efforts."

Michael Joyce

And another one bites the dust...

Suspended Superior Court Judge Michael T. Joyce pleaded not guilty Monday to federal charges of mail fraud and money laundering, but abandoned his re-election campaign and said he plans to retire when his term expires in January.

Joyce was suspended by the state Supreme Court last week after a grand jury indicted him for allegedly bilking two insurance companies out of $440,000. He continues to receive his state salary of $165,342 a year plus benefits.

(snip)

Joyce, 58, a Republican who served more than a decade as an Erie County judge before his election to the state appellate bench in 1997, vowed to mount "a vigorous legal defense" against the criminal charges.

So how did Joyce allegedly commit these crimes?

The criminal case against Joyce stems from an August 2001 traffic accident that he said left him in such pain that he was unable to exercise or play golf for more than a year. Prosecutors say the judge's car was rear-ended by another vehicle at about 5 mph, and that he faked his injuries to cash in on the insurance money.

The indictment says Joyce was playing 18-hole rounds on courses as far away as Jamaica, going scuba diving and inline skating, and working out at a local gym. He used the insurance money to buy a motorcycle and make down payments on a house and plane, it said.

Just... wow.

Certain Waco TX Residents

And finally: the original source for this story has unfortunately disappeared, but you can see evidence of its existence all over the web. It seems that Bill Nye "The Science Guy" gave a lecture at McLennan Community College in Waco a few weeks ago, and unintentionally angered some of the local population.

Nye quoted a verse from Genesis: ("God made two great lights -- the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night") and noted that while it appears that the moon emits light, in fact it merely reflects light from the sun.

Not so fast, so-called "Science Guy!"

According to BSAlert.com, "At this point, several people in the audience stormed out in fury. One woman yelled 'We believe in God!' and left with three children."

So apparently some people find it impossible to believe in god and simultaneously understand that the moon doesn't emit light. Fantastic. Nye's lucky he wasn't tied to a stool and dunked in a nearby pond.

Please note - there will be no Top 10 for the next two Mondays. My apologies. The list will be published again on Monday September 17. See you then!

-- EarlG