The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 317

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 317

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 317

December 10, 2007
Nuclear Fishin' Edition

This week George W. Bush (1,10) bookends the Top 10, while the major Republican candidates round out the rest of the list. Don't forget the key!

George W. Bush

On October 17 of this year Our Great Leader held a press conference at the White House, where the following exchange took place:

Q: But you definitively believe Iran wants to build a nuclear weapon?

THE PRESIDENT: I think so long -- until they suspend and/or make it clear that they -- that their statements aren't real, yeah, I believe they want to have the capacity, the knowledge, in order to make a nuclear weapon. And I know it's in the world's interest to prevent them from doing so. I believe that the Iranian -- if Iran had a nuclear weapon, it would be a dangerous threat to world peace.

But this -- we got a leader in Iran who has announced that he wants to destroy Israel. So I've told people that if you're interested in avoiding World War III, it seems like you ought to be interested in preventing them from have the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon. I take the threat of Iran with a nuclear weapon very seriously.

Aaaaaaahhh! World War III! Quick, everybody panic! We must bomb Iran as soon as possible!

Now let's fast forward to last week, when this happened:

A major U.S. intelligence review has concluded that Iran stopped work on a suspected nuclear weapons program more than four years ago, a stark reversal of previous intelligence assessments that Iran was actively moving toward a bomb.

The new findings, drawn from a consensus National Intelligence Estimate, reflected a surprising shift in the midst of the Bush administration's continuing political and diplomatic campaign to depict Tehran's nuclear development as a grave threat. The report was drafted after an extended internal debate over the reliability of communications intercepts of Iranian conversations this past summer that suggested the program had been suspended.

"Tehran's decision to halt its nuclear weapons program suggests it is less determined to develop nuclear weapons than we have been judging since 2005," a declassified summary of the new National Intelligence Estimate stated. Two years ago, the intelligence community said in contrast it had "high confidence that Iran currently is determined to have nuclear weapons."

The new estimate, prepared by the nation's 16 intelligence agencies, applied the same "high confidence" label to a judgment that suspected Iranian military efforts to build a nuclear weapon were suspended in 2003 and said with "moderate confidence" that it had remained inactive since then.

But... but... if the National Intelligence Estimate shows that Iran stopped pursuing nuclear weapons four years ago, why has the president been going around threatening everyone with the specter of World War III? Especially since, according to Raw Story:

As early as July 2006, (Seymour) Hersh had reported that the US military was resisting administration pressure for a bombing campaign in Iran, because "American and European intelligence agencies have not found specific evidence of clandestine activities or hidden facilities."

By November 2006, Hersh's sources had told him of "a highly classified draft assessment by the C.I.A.," which concluded that satellite monitoring and sophisticated radiation-detection devices planted near Iranian facilities had turned up absolutely no evidence of a nuclear weapons program. However, Bush and Cheney were expected to try to keep those conclusions out of the forthcoming NIE on Iran's nuclear capabilities.

Well see, it turns out that the answer is quite simple. At a press conference last week, George W. Bush explained himself:

Q: Mr. President, thank you. I'd like to follow on that. When you talked about Iraq, you and others in the administration talked about a mushroom cloud; then there were no WMD in Iraq. When it came to Iran, you said in October, on October 17th, you warned about the prospect of World War III, when months before you made that statement, this intelligence about them suspending their weapons program back in '03 had already come to light to this administration. So can't you be accused of hyping this threat? And don't you worry that that undermines U.S. credibility?

THE PRESIDENT: David, I don't want to contradict an august reporter such as yourself, but I was made aware of the NIE last week. In August, I think it was Mike McConnell came in and said, we have some new information. He didn't tell me what the information was; he did tell me it was going to take a while to analyze.

Hmm. So let's quickly recap:

GEORGE W. BUSH, OCT 17 2007: "I take the threat of Iran with a nuclear weapon very seriously."

GEORGE W. BUSH, DEC 4 2007: "In August, I think it was Mike McConnell came in and said, we have some new information. He didn't tell me what the information was."

Way to go, chucklenuts.

But not so fast! Last week Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo noted that George W. Bush may only be pretending to be an incompetent moron, whereas in reality he is a lying asshole.

When you look back at his speeches, there's evidence that the president was shifting his terms because he knew that the intelligence on which his push for war was based was likely to collapse.

If you go back to his October 17th press conference, the one where he spoke of 'World War III' he changes his wording. It's no longer the need to prevent the Iranians from getting the bomb. Now it's the necessity of "preventing them from hav(ing) the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon."

That's the tell.

That change is no accident. He wants claims that will survive the eventual revelation of this new intelligence -- while also continuing to hype the imminence of the Iranian nuclear threat that his spy chiefs are telling him likely does not exist.

Remember how after the Iraq debacle - after the world discovered that there was absolutely no reason to invade Iraq - the Bush administration claimed that if you checked their words very carefully, they never actually said that Saddam Hussein was connected to al Qaeda? Ring any bells? Because that's exactly what they're trying to do here, only this time they got caught before they could start dropping bombs.

But don't let your guard down just yet. With an army of radio talk show hosts and friendly mainstream media talking heads on their side, the Bush administration hasn't given up. Despite the fact that there is apparently no evidence that Iran has a nuclear weapons program...

The conclusion Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program bolstered his belief Iran poses a nuclear threat, U.S. President George Bush said Tuesday.

"Iran was dangerous. Iran is dangerous. Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge to make a nuclear weapon," Bush said during a news conference that dealt mainly with the National Intelligence Estimate's report on the 2003 suspension Iran's nuclear weapons program.

Bush said the NIE was a rallying cry to the international community "to pressure the Iranian regime to suspend" its nuclear program.

Go figure.

Mike Huckabee

So what does the Republican party's new front-runner have to say about the NIE mess? Let's find out. Here he is demonstrating his foreign policy credentials last week:

HUCKABEE: I don't know where the intelligence is coming from that says they have suspended the program, or how credible that is," Huckabee told the assembled journalists, after being informed of the report's content by a questioner. "And I've heard, the last two weeks, supposed reports that they are accelerating it and it could be having a reactor in a much shorter period of time than originally been thought."

Wait a minute, what? Accelerating their program? Didn't you read the NIE, Gov. Huckabee?

At a dinner with reporters on Tuesday night, Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee admitted that he had neither read nor been briefed on the latest national intelligence estimate, which stated that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003.

Oh, I see.

Mike Huckabee

Mind you, being completely clueless about world affairs is the least of Huckabee's worries right now. According to CBS last week:

In 1985, (Wayne) DuMond was convicted of the rape of a 17-year-old girl with a connection to then-Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton: She was the governor's distant cousin and the daughter of a major campaign contributor.

As Clinton rose to national prominence, the case came to the attention of his critics. Journalists and talk show hosts questioned the victim's story and suggested that DuMond had been railroaded by the former governor. Steve Dunleavy, a New York Post columnist, took up the case as a cause, calling DuMond's conviction "a travesty of justice."

So what? Well it turns out that one prominent Clinton-hater decided to go a bit further than simply blaming the victim for DuMond's woes - once Mike Huckabee became governor of Arkansas 1996, he decided to push for DuMond's parole. And then...

DuMond's release was delayed because a number of states did not want to take him in, but he left prison in 1999 and ended up in Missouri. Not long after he arrived, he was arrested again - this time for sexually assaulting and murdering a woman named Carol Sue Shields. DuMond was also the leading suspect in the rape and murder of another woman. He was convicted of murdering Shields and died in prison in 2005.

As late as last week Huckabee denied that he had anything to do with DuMond's release: "No. I did not. Let me categorically say that I did not," he said at a press conference on December 5th. Really? According to the Huffington Post:

Directly contradicting Mike Huckabee's claims, his former senior aide tells the Huffington Post that, as governor of Arkansas, Huckabee indeed told the state's parole board that he supported the release of a convicted rapist.

The senior aide, Olan W. "Butch" Reeves, personally attended a controversial parole board meeting with Huckabee in Oct. 1996.

"The clear impression that I came away with from the meeting was that he favored Dumond's release," Reeves said, referring to convicted rapist Wayne Dumond. "And I can understand why board members would believe that to be the case."

And let's not forget the mountains of evidence that prove Reeves is telling the truth.

Huckabee's response? Duh!

HUCKSTER: There are families who are truly, understandably and reasonably, grief stricken. And for people to now politicize these deaths and to try to make a political case out of it rather than to simply understand that a system failed and that we ought to extend our grief and heartfelt sorrow to these families, I just regret politics is reduced to that.

Yes, how dare people politicize this heinous error in judgement which clearly casts doubt on Huckabee's ability to make sensible decisions as president of the United States. What do they think he is? A politician?

Mike Huckabee

Huckabee's third entry on the list this week comes courtesy of an Associated Press questionnaire that he filled out when running for governor of Arkansas in 1992 (he lost).

Here are a few choice quotes from Huckabee's answers:

"If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague. It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents."

Yup - Huckabee wanted to round up and quarantine plague carriers - er, AIDS patients - despite the fact that it was already "common knowledge that AIDS could not be spread by casual contact," according to the Associated Press.

But if you think that's dubious, check out another of his quotes from the questionnaire:

"I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk."

Aha! So that's what he really meant. Fair enough. Come on, gays - just slip on those pink armbands and climb into the back of the van. Good old Mike Huckabee is going to take you off and lock you up someplace nice where you can't spread your plague to upstanding hetero-Americans.

Mike Huckabee

Think I'm done with Huckabee yet? Hell no I'm not done with him. Last week a video surfaced of Mad Mike giving a talk at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University. Check this out:

STUDENT: Recent polls show you surging... What do you attribute this surge to?

HUCKABEE: There's only one explanation for it, and it's not a human one. It's the same power that helped a little boy with two fish and five loaves feed a crowd of five thousand people.

So I guess Huckabee is Jesus this week. Who's he going to be next week? Napoleon?

But gosh, he seems like such a nice guy with such a nice smile and he's so honest and genuine, it almost doesn't matter that he's a total freaking lunatic.

Er, does anyone else think that after all we've been through over the past eight years it might be nice to have a president who's not completely out of his gourd?

Fred Thompson

Newsflash! Word is coming in that Fred Thompson has just been made aware of the National Intelligence Estimate which proves that George W. Bush is a liar and/or a moron. What do you have to say, sir? Lavish us with your words of wisdom! Speak!

THOMPSON: Remember what your mama told you - if something appears to be too good to be true, it probably is.

Thanks Fred. Now go back to sleep.

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney didn't seem particularly bothered about the NIE last week - but that's probably because he was too busy trying to convince Christian conservatives (and I use the term "Christian" loosely in this context) that he's not going to take the country on some crazy Mormon rollercoaster ride to Outer Hades.

Romney gave a speech last week at the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library which was intended to conjure up the spirit of John F. Kennedy's famous 1960 address to the Greater Houston Ministerial Association. The only difference of course being that in Kennedy's case the purpose was to put religion where it belongs in a presidential campaign - off the table - whereas in Romney's case the purpose was to put a big flashing neon sign over his head which read "HOT FRESH RELIGION RIGHT HERE!! COME AND GET IT!!"

Romney's line of attack appeared to be to avoid much discussion of his own particular faith and instead talk about "a topic which I believe is fundamental to America's greatness: our religious liberty." As such Romney managed to use the word "Mormon" just once: "I believe in my Mormon faith and I endeavor to live by it." So come on fundamentalists, pay no attention to the magic underpants.

But really, who cares? Who cares if the president is a Mormon, or a Jew, or a Muslim, or a Wiccan, or a Pastafarian? That is one of the things that makes America great - that people can believe what they want without persecution. That's freedom, baby! And as long as the president understands that his (or her) job is to defend the Constitution, that religion should not be injected into public policy, and that the separation of church and state is of utmost importance, then it's all good.

Which is why, when it comes to Mitt Romney, it's all bad. Here are a few more excerpts from his oh-so-inclusive speech:

"Americans do not respect believers of convenience. Americans tire of those who would jettison their beliefs, even to gain the world."

And...

"...in recent years, the notion of the separation of church and state has been taken by some well beyond its original meaning. They seek to remove from the public domain any acknowledgment of God. Religion is seen as merely a private affair with no place in public life. It is as if they are intent on establishing a new religion in America - the religion of secularism. They are wrong."

And perhaps most egregious of all...

"Freedom requires religion."

So there you have it: Mitt's plan to win over the fundies involves deflecting their attention from his own beliefs by holding up people who aren't religious as the common enemy. Disgusting.

Mitt Romney

Despite some stiff competition, "Oops of the Week" surely goes to the Mittster. I'll let the Boston Globe explain:

Last year, Globe reporters found that the lawn at Romney's Belmont home was being maintained by a company that hired undocumented workers. It's a familiar occurrence. Consumers hire companies to provide services, and they don't know the legal status of the person doing the work - even if that consumer is a former Massachusetts governor and a Republican candidate for president.

At the time, Romney said he would look into the matter. But he invited charges of hypocrisy by hammering the illegal immigration issue on the campaign trail.

Last week, New York's former mayor, Rudy Giuliani, accused Romney of having run a "sanctuary mansion" for the undocumented immigrants who had done his yard work. It sounded like a rival trying to revive old news. Only it turns out that Romney continued to use the same landscaping company, which was still hiring undocumented workers, who admitted to Globe reporters that they were in the country illegally.

All together now...

Rudy Giuliani

With his major opponents scoring time and again on the list this week it would obviously be unfair to give Rudy Giuliani a pass - so let's see what's been occurring in the "Sex On The City" scandal.

To recap quickly: it was recently revealed that Giuliani "billed obscure city agencies for tens of thousands of dollars in security expenses amassed during the time when he was beginning an extramarital relationship with future wife Judith Nathan in the Hamptons," according to Politico.com.

This, of course, set the Giuliani camp scrambling to explain - only it turns out that their explanation keeps changing. Until last week Giuliani's people maintained that Nathan received no protection until May 2001, when Rudy announced he was separating from his second wife Donna Hanover. But last week it was revealed that in fact...

Judith Nathan got taxpayer-funded chauffeur services from the NYPD earlier than previously disclosed - even before her affair with then-Mayor Rudy Giuliani was revealed, witnesses and sources tell the Daily News.

"It went on for months before the affair was public," said Lee Degenstein, 52, a retired Smith Barney vice president who formerly lived at 200 E. 94th St., Nathan's old building.

"It was going on longer than anybody thought," added Degenstein, who, along with others in the neighborhood, said they often saw Nathan hopping into unmarked NYPD cars in early 2000, before the affair was revealed that May.

(snip)

Ed Hartnett, the former deputy chief of the NYPD's intelligence division and now Yonkers police chief, added in an e-mail from the Giuliani campaign that Nathan's protection was at first sporadic and did not include a full-time, round-the-clock detail.

But former neighbors of Nathan's, as well as a law enforcement source, describe a full-scale valet service at Nathan's beck and call well before the affair became public.

All of which led to a brutal appearance on Sunday's Meet The Press, which left Rudy spluttering and gasping for breath. You know your campaign is on the rocks when Tim Russert gets to ask questions like, "Why was it appropriate for you to give taxpayer-funded security to your girlfriend?" and "Would it be appropriate for a president to provide Secret Service protection for his mistress?"

But don't tell me - this week the Giuliani campaign will complain about how unfair the questions were and how Rudy was the victim of Tim's awful personal attacks. I wonder... if Rudy can't stand up to Tim Russert, how is he going to stand up to Al Qaeda?

George W. Bush

And finally, we'll end where we began - with George W. Bush making an ass of himself. In Idiots 315 I gave my theory on the typical Republican approach to government, which goes something like this:

1) Ignore any crises that may be headed your way until its far too late to do anything.

2) Once a crisis hits, don't come up with any plans to lessen the impact.

3) Get down on your knees and pray for salvation.

Well last week Our Great Leader set out to prove the theory when he revealed his plan to assist worried homeowners who are being screwed by the current mortgage crisis. Here it is:

DUBYA: And I have a message for every homeowner worried about rising mortgage payments: The best you can do for your family is to call 1-800-995-HOPE. That is 1-800-995-H-O-P-E.

Actually, that is 1-888-995-HOPE. The number that Bush mistakenly gave out belongs to the Freedom Christian Academy, which according to CNN is "a Texas-based group that provides Christian education home schooling material."

Got a problem with your mortgage? Maybe you'd be interested in these Christian home schooling materials instead. Better use them while you've still got a home!

See you next week...

-- EarlG