Episode 1: T Boone Explains Wind

[ThShifties]

T. Boone Pickens, legendary billionaire, is preparing for an interview on Good Morning America, aided by his assistant. The interview begins.

Interviewer: Mr. Pickens, as an oilman…

Pickens: Son, I’m not an oil man. I used to be an oil man, a long damn time ago. Then I went into the money bidness. Hell, I’m still in the money bidness. But now I’m a wind man, too. And put natural gas in there. I’m a wind man with natural gas, that’s how I’d put it.

Interviewer: I understand that wind and natural gas are the pillars of your proposed solution to our nation’s energy needs.

Pickens: Eggsactly. Let me start by sayin’ that the current crisis is not the fault of the awl companies. And it ain’t the speculators fault, either. And most important, in case you were thinkin’ it, it ain’t my fault. I’m the solution, that’s me.

Interviewer: All right. Then what, in your opinion, caused prices to skyrocket?

Pickens: Supply and demand, you dummy. Supply’s up when demand id down, and the one follows the other the way a pig follows a slop bucket.

Interviewer: Can I ask you to repeat that?

Pickens: Hell, you need to pay closer attention. It’s like my Aunt Minnie used to say, if you’re gonna boil the whole hog, you better get yourself a big damn pot.

Interviewer: What?

Pickens: You heard me. It’s time for this great nation to stop fiddling around with fatback and get to stripping off some prime bacon. You follow me? Your buddy Boone’s got the answer to the energy problem.

Interviewer: Wind and natural gas, correct?

Pickens: Nods vigorously. Yep, but don’t forget the money. Money’s gonna be the A1 sauce on this particular piece of cow. And if that damn Congress ain’t givin’ me the money fast enough, I’m takin’ my case directly to John Q. Public.

Interviewer: I see… so exactly what is your case? What should America do?

Pickens: Give me the energy budget and sit back in front of the TV. Ol’ Boone’ll take care of the rest.

Interviewer: Can we ask how?

Pickens: Wind. Natural gas. I can’t tell you more than that. Next thing you’d be sharin’ it with your readers, or the Russkies or somebody. Nope, you’re just gonna have to trust me. Hell, check my resume. How do ya think I became the 117th richest man in the world?

Interviewer: Corporate raiding and greenmail, I was told.

Pickens: True, but the bidnesses I stole was mostly awl-related.

Interviewer: I see. Following that argument, shouldn’t we just give our energy budget to Bill Gates? He’s a lot wealthier than you are.

Pickens: Naw, he’s semi-retired. You don’t want a part-timer handling that much money. I pledge that if you let me get my hands on all that cash, I will spend my waking hours figuring out how to power this great nation of ours. Except Saturdays when Oklahoma State plays, of course. Now lissen boy, I got to get out of here, there’s money to be made. I mean, policy to be set.

Pickens and his assistant leave the studio.

Pickens: If John McCain had a tenth of my pizzazz, he might be President.

Assistant: You don’t think he’ll win the election?

Pickens: If I did, I wouldn’t be spendin’ all this money on public relations. I’d just buy myself a President. But it’s gonna be the colored fella.

Assistant: Why don’t you run for office, sir?

Pickens: Considered it back in ’88. Couldn’t afford the pay cut, though. More bang for the buck from Swiftboatin’.