Episode 11: T Boone Gets a Midnight Visit

[ThShifties]

Late night at the Texas residence of legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens. Pickens is preparing for bed. Suddenly from the shadows appear two men clad in black from head to toe.

Pickens: Holy frozen frijoles…

Grabs gun from beneath pillow

Ninja: Don’t shoot! It’s only us, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth!

Pickens: You boys almost got yourselves perpunctuated.

Ninja: We come in peace. We seek your aid in our great cause.

Pickens: Money again, huh?

Ninja: The time nears for the Final Battle. We have prepared a Book of Truth to guide us into combat. Its title is "The Case Against Barack Obama: The Unlikely Rise and Unexamined Agenda of the Media's Favorite Candidate.”

Pickens: You wrote it?

Ninja: We do not read or write. The writer is one Freddoso.

Pickens: Wasn’t he the retarded brother in the Godfather movie?

Ninja: You’re thinking of Fredo.

Pickens: Look boys, let’s get things straight. Back in 04 you swore to me on a stack of bibles that all that stuff about Kerry was true. Turns out you made up half and faked the rest. I ended up havin’ to put up a million bucks in a phony public relations stunt.

Ninja: But they did not collect, did they?

Pickens: scornfully Well, of course they didn’t collect! You don’t get to be the hundred and seventeenth richest man in America by paying up on perfectly valid legal claims. Those boys will be playin’ Whack-A-Mole with my lawyers til they’re too old to stand up in the shower. You’re missin’ the point.

Which is, you boys put one over on me. And as they say: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, it’s feet first into the wood chipper.

Ninja: So we don’t get the three million dollars like last time?

Pickens: Correctoporto, muchachinos.

Ninja: looks at his partner We’ll have to go to WalMart for the money.

They prepare to leave. Pickens sees something on the floor and stamps it flat with his cowboy boot.

Pickens: Jeezus, you see the size of that thing? Looked like a giant cockroach!

Ninja: tearful You squished Freddoso!


Scene: A mandatory Manager’s meeting at a megastore outside Paramus, New Jersey. WalMart corporate Human Resources staff have finished their presentation.

Human Resources: So you see, if elected, Obama and the Democrats will force us to ship jobs to sweat shops overseas. You have a question, Watkins?

Manager 1: I thought we already did that.

Human Resources: Of course we do. But the sweat shops will now demand more money from us. And that means we’ll have to cut back on our in-store staff.

Manager 2: If you can find them. Mine are usually smoking dope in the toilet about this time of day.

Human Resources: You all are not taking this issue very seriously.

Manager: So fire us.

Human Resources: Nobody else will work for your salaries. Thinks Although we might get some fill-ins from work release…

Manager 3: If you don’t mind a little pilfering.