Married, with infidelities

[groovedaddy]

Last month, when the New York congressman Anthony Weiner finally admitted that he had lied, that his Twitter account had not been hacked, that he in fact had sent a picture of his thinly clad undercarriage to a stranger in Seattle, I asked my wife of six years, mother of our three children, what she thought. More specifically, I asked which would upset her more: to learn that I was sending racy self-portraits to random women, Weiner-style, or to discover I was having an actual affair. She paused, scrunched up her mouth as if she had just bitten a particularly sour lemon and said: “An affair is at least a normal human thing. But tweeting a picture of your crotch is just weird.”

How do we account for that revulsion, which many shared with my wife, a revulsion that makes it hard to imagine a second act for Weiner, like Eliot Spitzer’s television career or pretty much every day in the life of Bill Clinton? One explanation is that the Weiner scandal was especially sordid: drawn out, compounded daily with new revelations, covered up with embarrassing lies that made us want to look away. But another possibility is that there was something not weird, but too familiar about Weiner. His style might not be for everyone (to put it politely), but the impulse to be something other than what we are in our daily, monogamous lives, the thrill that comes from the illicit rather than the predictable, is something I imagine many couples can identify with. With his online flirtations and soft-porn photos, he did what a lot of us might do if we were lonely and determined to not really cheat.

That is one reason it was a relief when Weiner was drummed from office. In addition to giving us some good laughs, he forced us to ask particularly uncomfortable questions, like “what am I capable of doing?” and “what have my neighbors or friends done?” His visage was insisting, night after night, that we think about how hard monogamy is, how hard marriage is and about whether we make unrealistic demands on the institution and on ourselves.

That, anyway, is what Dan Savage, America’s leading sex-advice columnist, would say. Although best known for his It Gets Better project, an archive of hopeful videos aimed at troubled gay youth, Savage has for 20 years been saying monogamy is harder than we admit and articulating a sexual ethic that he thinks honors the reality, rather than the romantic ideal, of marriage. In Savage Love, his weekly column, he inveighs against the American obsession with strict fidelity. In its place he proposes a sensibility that we might call American Gay Male, after that community’s tolerance for pornography, fetishes and a variety of partnered arrangements, from strict monogamy to wide openness.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html?_r=1&hp

[Bluenorthwest]

1. I still await the day that upon the occasion of some straight

married sex scandal, the Beltway Professionals, elected and otherwise, rare up and start shouting about the Sacrament, about the assault on the sanctity of marriage. When will they react to actual trashing of marriage with the same religious zeal with which they oppose the very idea of gay people having marriage rights?
The hypocrisy of all who wail about how holy marriage is to them when the word 'gay' is involved who also fall silent when the word 'straight' is tied to diapers and affairs with staffers, children outside the Blessed Sacrament are starkly bigoted in their point of view, but also they are clearly making use of the religious crap only as a rhetorical device, it is not the 'Sacrament' they are so bothered about at all, it is teh gay. Trash a marriage on TV and you get to be in the Senate and no one mentions their pious views or grand traditions.
It amuses me. In a sick sort of way.