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Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the third Prime Minister of the United States of Canada, Ashton Kutcher!
“Thank you, thank you. My fellow Canadian-Americans, we live in challenging times. But at this, my inauguration, I’d like us all to look forward to the future, and all the good that is yet to come.
“Ours is a nation founded on division, namely the admirably peaceful succession of all the former United States along the West coast from Washington to California, New England and the Great Lakes states excluding Ohio. When we annexed Canada with gracious permission from England, we started on a new path to a better tomorrow.
“Our neighbour to the south, The Holy American Empire, has also been a good friend through our respective nations’ transition from one America into two. Our cultures, politics and religious convictions are vastly different, but we should be proud that we both found a peaceful and easy way to agree to disagree once and for all.
“Indeed, our nations are as different as our slogans. Ours: Live free if you wish, but if not that’s ok, too it’s really up to you in the end. Theirs: Live free, or we’ll bomb you. Yet, despite that, no two nations could be stronger allies through these four decades of our war on terror.
“We are friends despite our differences. We even remained friends even after the fateful events ten years ago when all of New York Province and the state of Texas suffered mutual nuclear annihilation. None of us will forget the shame and embarrassment we all felt the next day when we learned that Al Quaeda had duped each side into believing the other was harboring Osama Bin Laden.
“That our two nations are now more united in camaraderie as a result of that experience is a testament to our character. And, even though the nuclear attacks launched by each side destroyed the H.A.E.’s oil reserves in Texas and our economic center in New York City, our economies are both finally on the grow!
“In my first year in office, I pledge to stem the current mass emigration of our citizens to the New Beijing colony on Mars. The H.A.E. faces a similar challenge with the constant flow of citizens across the border into Mexico looking for work. I wish them luck on the construction of the Rio Grande Wall which should cut emigration by nearly 25 percent.
“I know we cannot compete yet with the robust Chinese economy which has become the envy of the world. But, one day I promise we shall have shining cities of Plexiglas and titanium and maglev personal mass transit systems to rival Shanghai. Yes, we may have lost over 80 percent of our GNP since the birth of this great nation, but you’re never truly free until you hit bottom! We have nowhere to go but up.
“It’s morning again in Canadian America!”
:evilgrin:
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