Join The Unitarian Jihad

[donsu]

http://www.newsforreal.com/


The following is the first communiqué from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communiqué, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.
-snip-

(there are 6 more paragraphs)
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[ewagner]

1. ROFL

I know this isn't serious....but I enjoyed these parts.

"People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution."

And, of course, the greatest headline ever!

"Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality. People can still go to France, terrorist leader says."

[neweurope]

2. LOL - Now THAT is great.

The whole piece is great, and I especially loved "People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything?"

This should be widely published *g* - but most freepers wouldn't understand it I'm afraid; the sentences are too long, for one thing... :P


-----------------------

Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[Nailzberg]

3. The Unitarian Jihad has been amongst you for a while.

We will prevail.

[okasha]

4. We are to be found

where you least expect us.

Sister Main Gauche of the Short Path

[shadowknows69]

43. Friar Torture to Epiphany

at your service

[Algomas]

5. Thanks for the laugh..

I will print this and post it on the bulletin board in my Unitarian "Gandhi Room".

[wildeyed]

6. This is really funny.

Get your Unitarian Jihad name here http://homepage.mac.com/whump/ujname.html

I am Sister Neutron Bomb of Warm Humanitarianism.

[G_j]

8. Sibling Neutron Bomb of Moderation

:hi:

[wildeyed]

9. Welcome to the Jihad, Sibling Neutron Bomb of Moderation!

:party:

[Jazzgirl]

10. Introducing The Atom Bomb of the Short Path!

Luv the new name! :D

[wildeyed]

11. Welcome, The Atom Bomb of the Short Path.

You're new name rawks! :toast:

[Sapphire Blue]

18. 'Sibling Nunchuku of Warm Humanitarianism' here

[wildeyed]

25. Greetings, Sibling Nunchuku of Warm Humanitarianism,

the Jihad welcomes you. :hi:

[Sapphire Blue]

29. I kinda like that name... wish I could change my DU name

Thanks for the welcome... good to be a member of the Jihad! :hi:

[Nailzberg]

20. The Gatling Gun of Patience

Seems a good name for me.

[wildeyed]

26. Welcome, The Gatling Gun of Patience.

Go forth and be moderate and sane.

[ooglymoogly]

22. hence forth i shall be know as

brother gatling gun of sweet reason. ha i love it

[wildeyed]

27. Welcome to th Jihad, Gatling Gun of Sweet Reason.

:toast:

Lord knows we could use more of that!

[antigone382]

32. Greetings! I am Sister Pepper Spray of Warm Humanitarianism

:)

[Hun Joro]

34. Sister Cutlass of Enlightened Compassion

I quite like that name!

[highplainsdem]

40. I'm the Neutron Bomb of Love and Mercy

O8)

[giant_robot]

45. LOL! I am Brother Howitzer of Patience!

I've been thinking about checking out my local UU church for a while now. This may have pushed me over the edge!

[Jade Fox]

7. Can't get the link to work...

but what's here is very funny! Want to send it to friends.

[wildeyed]

12. Do a google on "Unitarian Jihad"

there is tons posted about it.

[EFerrari]

13. Isn't this Jon Carroll's great column?

Now, there's a jihadi! :)

Sister Raid of the Unfortunate Phone Call

[Hamlette]

14. kick for a great find. n/t

[donco6]

15. Talk about Tongue in Cheek.

This is hilarious.

[Cadfael]

16. Reporting for duty

Sister Howitzer of the Short Path here..:hi:

[ooglymoogly]

17. kick a doodle dooo

[democrank]

19. "Imprisoned citizens of the United States"

says it all.

[kliljedahl]

21. This was posted a couple of weeks ago

But still hilarious.

Brother Peaceful Claymore of Prudence checking in.


Keith’s Barbeque Central

[Boomer]

23. Dupe, but one worth repeating

You can never have too many Unitarian Jihadists!

[wildeyed]

24. Hi Boomer

Nice avatar. Thanks, btw, I have been enjoying mine.

[Boomer]

46. Hey back!

You're more than welcome, wildeyed. I was flattered you liked it, and I smile every time I spy it on the board.

[Kurovski]

28. Brought into my new life with the name;

Sibling Broadsword of Love and Mercy.

Oops, scratch the "born-again" part.

[GoneOffShore]

30. Wonderful

I have joined and am henceforth to be known as Brother Gatling Gun of Loving Kindness.
Or not if you all don't like that.
(Added on edit)
From the First Reformed Name Generator, I will also be know as Brother Guillotine of Debate.

[lolly]

31. Too Good!

I must have missed it if it was posted earlier.

Found the original article:

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2005/04/08/DDG27BCFLG1.DTL

Now, where do I sign up? Do I get a free bumper sticker? A tee shirt?

[EFerrari]

41. You get to read Jon and lower your blood pressure.

:)

[Mz Pip]

33. Sincerity is not enough

I'm going to make a bumper sticker with that on it.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[HeeBGBz]

35. Sister Logging Chain of Warm Humanitarianism

What a cool message.

[atommom]

36. Sister Gatling Gun of Looking at All Sides of the Question.

:thumbsup:

[atommom]

37. No, wait. I think The Atom Bomb of Loving Kindness is my true name.

[wildeyed]

42. Or maybe you are The Atommom of Loving Kindness? n/t

[Dakini23]

38. Brother/Sister Mushroom Cloud of Tolerance

I like it!

[The Traveler]

39. Brother Rail Gun of Enlightened Compassion

This suits better than I can possibly explain! ROFLOL

[bermudat]

44. While getting ready for my religious science service this am,

I stopped to check DU. Unitarian Jihadists. That's what I am. Funny, tongue in cheek but very true.