Fly on the wall: Last night in the Oval Office—as channeled by Frank Capra

[Lancer]

WIPE DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE—LATE AFTERNOON, WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26

MED. CLOSE-UP—PRESIDENT BUSH is seated at desk. His face is red. Abrasions are evident on his right cheek and lower left jaw. A half empty bottle of Jack Daniels is at his right elbow. A sweaty, half-empty tumbler emblazoned with the Presidential Seal sits at a comfortable arm's length in front of him. He is leafing through a farm equipment catalog.

PAN TO—Couch to the right front of presidential desk. Pickles is perched on the edge, thumbing through Pottery Barn catalog. A large glass ashtray emblazoned with the Presidential Seal sits before her, half full of the stubs Virginia Slims cigarettes. Beside the ashtray, we see an opened pack of the cigarettes, a brass lighter emblazoned with the Presidential Seal, and a freshly-filled highball glass of Tab.

PAN TO—A grandfather clock on the wall directly across the room from PRESIDENT BUSH. The clock relentlessly ticks slow hours of blissful oblivion.

SFX—Door bursts open to the left of PRESIDENT BUSH.

ENTER—Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff, I. LEWIS (SCOOTER) LIBBY. He is breathless.

SCOOTER: Mr President! I need help. Through some sort of an accident, I am going to be indicted tomorrow on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice! Attorney Fitzgerald met with the judge at lunch today. I've got to get out of the country fast!

PRESIDENT BUSH: Oh, so that's why the reporters was here a little bit ago.

SCOOTER: (dismayed) Reporters!

PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, (takes swig from tumbler). Yeah, David Gregory and that Terry Moran called me up when they couldn't find Dick. I told them I was busy presidentin'. It's hard work. I gave two speeches today to people I thought were our friends. They laughed me off the stage. Plus, I've been workin' the phones tryin' to reach Mikey Chertoff—you know, he's our Homeland Security fella, good man—down in Florida to find out when he's plannin' to stage the next terralert.

PAN TO: Pickles, slowly nodding her ascent as she lowers her glass of Tab to a coaster emblazoned with the Presidential Seal.

SCOOTER: Please help me, Mr. President. Help me, won't you, please? Can't you see what this means to my career, my family, my reputation? I'll pay you any sort of bribe, (stammering) if you want me to rat out anybody else, why I…

PRESIDENT BUSH: (wipes mouth with back of bruised right hand) Scooter, could it possibly be that this Fitzgerald guy just has some sort of ven-det-uh against you? That these are just baseless charges to distract the Murican people from the war on terra?

SCOOTER: Yes sir, (wring hands) I guess. I've done everything Dick asked me to do. I lied I mean testified to the best of my ability… I've kept a low profile. I'm just going to the pen, I guess… (shakes head) and Robert Novak walks around a free man.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Yeah, well, like Rummy—good man—says, stuff happens. That Flame(sic) woman was dangerous. And talk about people tryin' to knock the hard work we've done in Eye-rack, that husband of hers, that Wilson fella. He had to be stopped. You've done good work.

SCOOTER: (head down, arms folded) Yes, sir.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Do you have any friends in the Border Patrol, Scooter?

SCOOTER: Yes, sir. I thought about heading to Canada, but I couldn't find a van… they're all full of MREs heading for Florida. They should be there by Thanksgiving.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Bummer. (Leafs through catalog.) Well, we got a couple of planes and a rotor, you know. Gaaaaahhhh. (Takes last sip from tumbler emblazoned with the Presidential Seal.)

SCOOTER: No, sir, I can't afford the publicity. The indictments are coming down tomorrow. I have to be in the SUV for the trip to the DC jail for the fingerprinting and booking. It'll raise eyebrows if I'm not there.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Oh, is this thing tomorrow? I don't read the papers, you know. Well, you haven't left me much time. Not that it makes much difference to me, but why didn't you go to Dick with this problem?

SCOOTER: (throwing up hands) I can't find him! He's in the bunker.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, what about all your other friends?

SCOOTER: (incredulous) Mr. President, they're all in the same fix! We're all going down tomorrow! You know you're the only one who can help me…

PRESIDENT BUSH: I see. I've suddenly become very important (words of more than two syllables are getting increasingly more difficult to utter without slurring) to you. Have you got a basement?

SCOOTER: No sir. I live in a third-floor condo.

PAN TO: Pickles, idly turning down page corners in drapery section of Pottery Barn catalog.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Look at you. (Closes catalog, rises unsteadily from behind desk, emblazoned with the Presidential Seal. Wags finger in Libby's face.) You used to be so cocky! You were the flunky for the most powerful man in the world.

SCOOTER: (interrupting) I'm sorry, sir. I thought you were the most powerful man in the world.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Fool me once… (props self up against desk). You once called me the aster… astr… as-ter-risk President. Well, what are you gonna be but an as-ter-isk in the history books? Why don't you just go down there and face the grand jury like a man?

SCOOTER: But Sir, I haven't done anything that Dick, Jeff Gannon, Condoleezza, Stephen, John Hannah or Alberto didn't do…

PRESIDENT BUSH: Whoa, whoa with the Who's Who. You know I don't know anybody except by silly nicknames. (Long pause. PRESIDENT BUSH appears to be nodding off. Suddenly he jerks to attention.) You know I don't fire anybody… I stand by my staff. I reckon I can raise you up some bail money if that's what you need. It'll be hard work. A lot of those good folks at the speechifyin' today took back their checks… but Dick's got a bundle. I'll see what we can do.

SCOOTER: (shakes head mournfully) Oh well, Mr. President. You were my last hope… (sarcastically) Merry Fitzmas!

PRESIDENT BUSH: Happy New Year to you! In Jail!

EXIT: MR. LIBBY.

PRESIDENT BUSH: (to no one in particular) Why do they always come to me? It's like they think I'm in power. Sheesh. (To Pickles): C'mon Laura. Let's go upstairs. I reckon they're ringin' the dinner bell about now…

[ThingsGottaChange]

1. Take a bow!!!!!!

:applause: :applause: :applause: