Meditation on A Veteran’s Day: Survivor’s Guilt

[HereSince1628]

There are usually flags waving, a few words of memory and patriotism, a prayer, and then the honor guard from the American Legion fires a salute. Across the cemetery a bugle slowly will sing the mournful notes of taps. It's been that way all my life, more than half a century, with little change except that each year a few more markers fill the lawn. A day to honor the sacrifice of those who served, a day to lament and wish for peace. A day. Just one day; well, not even a whole day. More like an hour in places like the largely unvisited national cemetery dissected by six lanes of traffic rushing folks off to their busy day where I will stand later today.

It is not without a sense of guilt I’ve stood in places like that for the past 31 years. So it is among the fraternity of survivors. After the pageantry, after the minor politicians have sallied off in their limousines, after the local tv crews have left, a few of us will stay behind, for just a little while.

Our eyes will sweep the rows of tiny flags on graves of men we never knew, yet somehow know all too well. Their bodies fill a space ours could just as easily have taken.

But for the grace of God, or luck, a warning shout, a push, perhaps just where we were placed in line, they fell. We didn’t. We suspect that in the end they were not fighting for a cause but rather trying to stay alive, because that is exactly what we did. We’re haunted believing there really was no good reason why we should stand on these crisp fall mornings above the fallen leaves while they lie beneath them.

We are those last few stragglers you notice standing silently in the cemeteries on Veteran’s Days. We are reminding ourselves that many of those fallen were braver, better soldiers who buried their fear more ably than we did. We dread we may have let them down. We may wonder, are we worthy of our survival? Were they better men? Would they have done more than we have done with our lives?

Perhaps it is a part of aging, some sort of lost virility that lets the doubts grow each year, and ever more quickly bring tears to our eyes. We know we just had another year of chances. A year not just to live but to warn, to push, to volunteer to take a place in the front of the line. A chance to do important work they never had. Did we deserve this year? We have our doubts. Another year and we have not stopped the dying.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. Well just... WOW! Thoughful and beautiful. Thanks for posting and thanks

for your service.

[insane_cratic_gal]

2. Beautiful and poignant

I can't say anything else but :hug:

[astonamous]

3. Thanks from a fellow veteran...pass the tissue. n.t.

[MADem]

4. Well said-- my thoughts, often n/t

[Toots]

5. Brought tears to my eyes

Yes I have doubts and memories. Memories of mistakes I made and wonder why did I survive when so many others did not. But most of my memories are not of bullets hitting my ship but of friends and places I knew. I do get by knowing I helped save many lives as well. I was a crew chief on a huey gun ship and whenever the shit hit the fan we were the first called for close support..

[nadinbrzezinski]

6. Welcoem home solider

[TahitiNut]

7. You got it, brother.

:cry:

[WilliamPitt]

8. One of the most remarkable things I have ever read here.

Thank you.

And thank you.

[malmapus]

9. Been asking myself the same questions for 13 years now...

Not even half as long as you brother, still feel I have a long road ahead of me. I still am known to just get quiet out of the blue, even break into tears (although I try my best to wipe them away), why am I here when others who probaly would have done more with their lives are not. I dunno, head is flooded with thoughts but putting them down to words really eludes me.

Here's to our brothers and sisters who did not make it home so we could.

[TahitiNut]

11. I think it's the most common feeling any vet who was in combat has.

I don't think it's something a vet who didn't serve in a combat zone would feel like the rest of us. It IS tough to get a handle on it, in my experience. That feeling invaded every thought I had regarding Viet Nam for years and years. I'm pretty sure it's most of the reason it took me over 20 years to go visit The Wall ... and why I had to see it alone. Accepting and dealing with those feelings really makes dealing with anyone else rather difficult.

[kick-ass-bob]

10. I can only imagine (not very well) how that might feel...

and I thank you for so eloquently bringing it out to those who do not understand.

:patriot:

[HereSince1628]

12. Thanks to everyone for your kind words.

I wrote this as a LTTE with little hope it would be appreciated or published because I feared it presented a perspective not in keeping with the desired rah-rah patriotism.

I posted it this morning as I noticed the Veterans Check-in post.
No one has replied to indicate they have taken it that way but I want to make clear that I mean no disrespect to veterans in posting it.

Rather, I hoped to share with DU'ers the sense of the sadness and doubts that attend my observance, and I suspect, the observances of many other veterans on Veteran's Day.

Thanks again for your kind words.

[TahitiNut]

15. I don't know why any vet would see it as disrespectful.

There are MANY kinds of grist for the bash-a-vet folks and I sure don't think their vitriol can be starved to death - so I don't bother.

I brought up my feelings of ennui and having somehow escaped/evaded on coming back from Nam several months ago on DU, not knowing whether folks would even understand what I was talking about. Most did. Those that didn't must've just kept to themselves.

It's hard for me to stamp it in the hard-edged label of 'Survivor's Guilt' ... since it seems to have a broader sense to it. In a way, I feel like I (personally) let down the Vietnamese people I knew, too. I've often wondered what became of the mama-san who brought me wet wash-cloths when I was bed-ridden with the flu. Or the other who taught me the version of Oh-Wah-Ree they played -- and laughed with me over how poorly I played. We guys loved those people (even if they might have been VC) and were sure to kick the ass of anyone who treated them badly.

[HereSince1628]

16. I'm sure my anxiety lies within myself, I really don't want

to diminish the value of the service or pride others feel about their service with a dark cloud.

I've never gone public with my feelings of this, but I felt an urge to share it. It feels a bit awkward.

[insane_cratic_gal]

17. You don't dishonor them

you echo them. Everyone here who read what you wrote was moved. Those who have served in war time expressed the same shadows of guilt you expressed so beautifully.

It was like hearing a the beginning of book or an essay, poetry, pain, and what moves us as a human beings. It speaks to our times and those of our past, and I'm afraid, that of our future generations of soldiers.

[_ed_]

13. Excellent

Thanks for sharing that. I often feel the same way.

[Nostradammit]

14. Thank you

For your service and for your eloquence.

[Missy Vixen]

18. Thank you for the post

and thank you for your service.

I'd like to remember the guy on my POW/MIA bracelet -- 1st Lieutenant Clive Jeffs. He didn't come back. I think about him every day.

Julie

[HereSince1628]

19. Thank you for keeping the memory of Clive Jeffs alive.

[Wilms]

20. Your words are written on the faces of combat vets I know.

And I hope, in whatever way they might, more could lend their voice to this despair.

Thanks Here,

Wilms

[LincolnMcGrath]

21. Welcome Home Soldier

Thank You that profound post. Thank You for your service. :hug:

[HereSince1628]

22. Time to go. I have an eleven o'clock appointment to keep

[TahitiNut]

23. Worth a kick.

:kick: In remembrance of those who didn't survive.