Conversation w/ my ex-wife

[Nevernose]

We were married for four years, and we have now been divorced for five (the kid is eight -- you do the math, and come to your own conclusions as to why we married). Most of our converstaions end with me threatenting to either a)call the police or b) renew the restraining order; this conversation is one of our more lucid. I did not realize that she was, literally, certifiably insane when I met her.

Me: "Hi, did you just try and call me? I didn't make it to the phone, but I hit star-six-nine" (it has, at this point, been less than two seconds since she called).

Her: "Yeah, it was me. What the fuck do you want?"

Me: "You called me, remember? I thought it might be important?"

Her: "Nothing could be important from you motherfucker -- you're a piece of shit, so why the fuck did you call?"

Me: "You just tried to call me, and I missed the phone. Sorry, I thought it might have been important." (tonight is the one of the two nights a week my kid spends with her mother, and sometimes calls me when her mother is acting particularly irrational)

Her: "No, there's nothing important."

Me: "Well, did she need to speak to me? Did she do something wrong? Do you need help?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Uh. Okay" Pause. "So what did you need, then, sweetheart?"

Her: "I don't remember."

Me: "You don't remember?"

Her: "That's what I said, you fucking piece of shit, isn't it?"

Me: "uh, okay, I was just wondering, because you tried to call me, and you left that meassage to call you back, and I only missed the phone call by two seconds at most."

Her: "Well, I don't remember. Good-bye."

Me: "Uh. Okay. Good-bye, then."

[Catherine Vincent]

1. Yeah, she's got problems.....

[salinen]

2. She should apply

to work at Abu Grarib (sp)

[Nlighten1]

3. Kelly is that you?

She sounds like my ex-wife...thankfully we had no kids together...

[Eye and Monkey]

4. Maybe this will make you feel better.

p.s. for folks who don't know, that guy sitting to BC's left is Kinky Friedman, a gen-u-wine character-author-bandleader who is running for Texas guvna. Campaign slogans include "How hard can it be?" and "Why the hell not?".

[Nevernose]

6. YOU KNOW WHO'S ON MY SIG?

You're the first (and so far only) one.

You have indeed made me feel better.

[Eye and Monkey]

8. Drank a beer with him, way back when.

Your ex - she from El Paso?

[Nevernose]

12. I got an autograph and had a brief conversation with him

Let's just say that her biscuits ain't in the oven, but her buns are definitely in the bed.

I asked him, "How did you manage to work the word 'australotpethecean' (or however you spell it) into a song?"

He said, "It wasn't easy."

[Eye and Monkey]

14. Not your bed, at any rate. Be thankful for small blessings.

Kinky's more than two hoots and a holler.

[BiggJawn]

5. You put up with THAT shit for FOUR years?????????

And I thought *I* was a glutton for punishment!

My psycho ex could suck-start the space shuttle, what was your excuse?
:7

[Nevernose]

9. Besides the "suck-start" thing...

...which was like some kind of drug, truly amazing, it was "for the kids."

The problem with the "suck-start" thing was that I was not the only space shuttle on the pad.

[BiggJawn]

13. Ouch! been there, etc....

Only with me, she started "lick-starting" Space Shuttle-ettes....
:-(

[qwertyMike]

7. Don't wear it

I had the same anger from my ex-wife.
I finally figured that, even after years, the calls came when *her* life sucked. Boyfriend problems or whatever.

Once I ralized that I would politely hang up after inquiring about the kids.

I learned from some other guys in the same boat that I will have to resign mysleff to the fact that from hereon after I will be to blame for her shitty life.

Ho Hum

The kids are now growing - my daughter gradutes High School in a few weeks and is moving up with me to go to college. My son will follow.

:)

Worth the 12 year wait!

[TroubleMan]

10. Sounds like a normal husband/wife conversation to me

I think I have that conversation with my wife about 10 times a week.

Nothing wrong there.

[qwertyMike]

11. Therapists advice (Yes it got that bad)

When she calls, ask her if it's concerning the children.
If not, wish her well and politely hang up.

Drives 'em NUTS

[LDS Jock]

15. Gee, you gotta miss

coming home to that everyday. Living with it. Congratulations on the divorce.

[Nevernose]

16. Whenever I feel lonely

I just remember what it was like to be married, and suddenly everything is better. The only time I ever look back is when I need a smile on my face.