2 methods for bathing a cat

[ElsewheresDaughter]

METHOD #2: FLUSH 'N FLUFF
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

the dog

METHOD #1: CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART
1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

[iconoclastic cat]

1. The one and only time that I bathed one of our cats resulted in bloodshed.

The water in that tub looked like a scene from "Jaws," and my forearms looked like a scene from the graphic novel, The Crow.

[havocmom]

3. Try my method: requires a car with built in luggage rack, bungee cords

and a trip to the automatic car wash :evilgrin:

Edited to add: Hey, I have a rare blood type. Any other method could be suicide.

[iconoclastic cat]

5. She'd pry the roof open like a gum wrapper.

And then use the bungee cords to throttle me.

[amerikat]

4. funny......and not too far from the truth

I had a cat with a skin condition that required a bath once in a while......no fun at all.....for either of us.

[alphafemale]

2. I hadn't heard the #2 method before. very good.

[IronLionZion]

6. there's always the washing machine too!

although the cat may get a little dizzy

[NuttyFluffers]

7. what about catnip scented shampoo?

after a while the drugged cat would roll and romp in the soapy puddle until it's clean, right?

or is catnip bad for cats?

[Xithras]

8. Erm, here's a slightly cruel one I actually used once

Sorry, the cat had a runin with a skunk and absolutely REEKED. My vet suggested this trick: Empty any pads or toys out of your kitty carrier. Sit down in front of your kitty carrier with your cat in your lap and begin gently rubbing the shampoo into its fur WITHOUT using any water. When you are done or the cat begins to panic (whichever comes first) toss the cat into the carrier and slam the cage shut. Then take a NEW AND UNUSED soft bristled toilet brush (or some other long handled brush of equal size), stick it in through the bars, and begin alternately scrubbing and rinsing the cat with a hose through the cages air holes and bars.

This method worked well and I didn't get a scratch, but it was two months before the cat was willing to use its carrier again. :evilgrin:

[the Kelly Gang]

9. my vet refused to wash my cat !! too dangerous he said

[Reciprocity]

10. A picture is worth a thousand words.

Just remember you have to sleep sometime mom.

[GingerSnaps]

11. Where did you get that picture of my Cat at?

I would know that look on his face anywhere.

[warrior1]

12. I have never had any problem bathing my cat.

May she rest in peace. No really I started bathing her when she was a kitten, so she never had the fear of water. When she had a real bad case of fleas, I had to bath her nearly every day. She got to where she would lay down in the water so I could pick them off of her. She got bathe so much that her fur had a green tint to from the dye in the shampoo, and she was a black cat.

Gosh I miss her.