My son's #$*&%$ therapist

[Pale Blue Dot]

My wife and I are getting a divorce, and being responsible, reasonable people, we employed the services of a therapist for our nine-year-old son, to help him deal with any issues he might have.

Our health care is through an HMO, so our choices are limited in terms of therapists.

After she talked to our son for 30 minutes, his therapist called us into the office to talk about his major concerns. It turns out that he is most afraid that one of us will date someone that hates him and who will hurt him once they are married to us.

After my future-ex and I reassured our son calmly and reasonably about this issue, his therapist said the stupidest, most unprofessional thing she could have said in front of our son:

"You two are such nice people," she said, "why are you getting divorced?"

:grr:

If merely being "nice" is the prescription for a happy marriage, then the freaking divorce rate would be much lower. She admitted to not being a marriage counselor, but she's also not much of a child therapist if she's going to raise a child's hopes for no good reason.

:grr:

Needless to say, I think my son would be better off without her in his life.

[flamingyouth]

1. Get a new therapist

That is a completely unprofessional and reprehensible thing to say. Complain too.

[ncrainbowgrrl]

8. My prescription: Get thee to another HMO-participating therapist!

totally unprofessional to ask you that in front of your child. grrr.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

2. Obviously she slept through the classes on interpersonal

relationship dynamics. I would refuse to pay the co-pay.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. agree with flamingyouth, time for a new therapist

But, beyond that, you are quite obviously pissed with this woman. I would be, too.

[usregimechange]

4. Helping someone takes time

And it is reasonable that she would see if there was a chance for you guys to stay together. Have you guys had relationship counseling? I have and am glad I did.

[Pale Blue Dot]

6. We are not right for each other

We don't want relationship counseling. If we did, that would be our own business.

We are paying this woman to help him deal with the breakup of his parents. Period. Leading him to believe, falsely, that there might still be a chance is wrong and damaging. It is exactly the opposite of what he needs.

[usregimechange]

15. I am going to be strait with you...

So please don't take this the wrong way. Many therapists are taught to treat individuals by treating the environments in which they live also. They believe, I think rightly so, that individuals don't have difficulties all by themselves. It is like helping fix a car battery when the reason for it being dead is the alternator.

[Rabrrrrrr]

20. It's not the therapist's job to "fix" the problem or the source of it

It's the therapist's job to help the person cope with the problem and overcome it.

Asking the parents, in front of the child, such an inane question is unprofessional. It should be irrelevant to the therapist what the reasoning for the separation is, since her patient is the child, not the parents. Her focus needs to be on why the child thinks they are divorcing, and what effect that is having on the child. Whether the child has "the truth" or not is not pertinent. The child's emotions and etc. are based on his thoughts and feelings, factual or not, about the divorce.

Therapists cannot treat the environment. Nor should they even try. It's not about "fixing" something like a car; it's about helping people cope. You can't compare a suffering person with a broken battery. They aren't broken like a thing, they are broken as a person. A person exists autonomously, unlike a battery which requires the input of the alternator to continue to function.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

22. See, I told you you were prime... completely indivisible.

:hi:

[usregimechange]

23. Therapists can and do treat families and more macro level...

parts of an individual's environment.

Example not related to you:

If there is a child who gets in trouble at school and we are attempting to discover why... The parents come in and say "fix my child." The therapist can perscribe drugs (psychiatrist), help him deal with his feelings (psychologist) or discover that the child's home environment is one where the mother tells the child not to do something and than lets him do it and the father beats the crap out of him. What would you think most relavent to deal with? By the way a social worker would lean toward the latter.

[Rabrrrrrr]

25. social workers are not therapists and vice versa

(though either may have degrees in the other's fields).

If a home intervention seems necessary, then the therapist can call in the social workers.

But the therapist can't do a home intervention on his/her own - not ethically. Certainly not after just one half-hour session.

And a psychologist or psychiatrist or even a pastor should all be professional enough to realize, after a few sessions, whether the person should go see someone else of a differing profession instead. There are pretty clearly delineated roles.

Now, if the family are also willing to undergo treatment then of course the therapist can work with all of them, separately and collectively. Nothing wrong with that at all.

[usregimechange]

26. LCSW are therapists and by some measures are the most...

effective with some client issues. A pill may not cut it if your a wife in the middle of 9-11.

[Rabrrrrrr]

27. What's an LCSW?

And of course if someone is in the midst of a 9-11, etc., a pill might not be enough. Might need a combo of social workers, therapy, and drugs. Who knows? I don't. But a psych-whatever, unless specifically trained (which is what I assume the LCSW is?) shouldn't try to go outside their area of expertise. Nor violate any client confidentiality, unless and until, of course, the situation warrants it. And a properly trained psych-whatever, pastor, or social worker should know what those boundaries are.

At the hospital, we had chaplains, social workes, and therapists, who worked together and knew their boundaries and when to call on each other.

[usregimechange]

28. Licensed Clinical Social Worker

True. The parents typically have signed a release to discuss confidential information. She may have been trained to do relationship therapy without specializing in it. In fact, all that is is experience in most parts of the country. Some large Universities likely have it broken down that finely but not mine.

[petronius]

29. Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Link

[aquaman]

30. Really???????? Guess I better do something else then.....

Since I conduct therapy approximately 6 hours every weekday. Glad to know that I am not a therapist. Guess I should just give out food stamps since I am just a social worker.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

12. She has no right to say that in front of the kid though

The poor kid has probably been thinking thoughts like that already and after the parents have already explained that they just aren't right for eachother and that it is not his fault, this therapist goes and screws it up. Now the idea is planted "if the therapist says they should not get divorced..."

Helping people does take time, but how long did this therapist know them? Doesn't seem like long.

[usregimechange]

16. Yes it may have been too quick and shouldn't have been

done in front of the kiddo. imo

[SemiCharmedQuark]

18. Didn't Finn say the therapist spent 30 minutes with the son?

Did she even spend ANY time with the parents? That's ridiculously fast. It's a reckless thing to say, IMHO

[usregimechange]

19. I agree but much better than causing no ripples. nt

[SemiCharmedQuark]

5. Finding a good therapist is really difficult

I find that the majority seem to have their heads up their asses and think they can solve your problem in about 15 minutes. I have a problem with anyone like that. I agree with the other posters, move on.

[Infomaniac]

7. Get a new therapist

And talk to your son about his fears. Many children in divorced families harbor hopes that mom and dad reconcile. The new person in one of your lives is an uncomfortable reminder that mom and dad getting back together isn't going to happen. My SD attends group therapy with other children of divorce. The group therapy has helped more than anything else.

[miss_kitty]

9. my psych classes don't start till next Saturday

and even I know that's a fucked up thing to say. I would hope that the future-ex Mrs Finnfan agrees with you....

[Pale Blue Dot]

11. She does.

We're nice, reasonable people, and we know the difference between right and worng, even if we don't want to live with each other anymore. :-)

[aquaman]

10. As a therapist myself finnfan.....

Let me try to use the most clinical language that I can, your son's therapist is an absolute moron, get a new one because this person could seriously screw up your child. Good luck with everything. By the way what do you think of the new Finn Brothers cd, I like it.

[Pale Blue Dot]

13. I love it!

Thanks for bringing a smile to my face. I especially love "Nothing Wrong With You", because it fits my son so well.

[usregimechange]

17. What is your field?

[aquaman]

24. Well I am a social worker by trade

and have my independent clinical license, I work primarily with children and adolescents.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

14. Complain to your HMO

There's no excuse for such unprofessional behavior.

[PittLib]

21. As a child who went through not one but two nasty divorces ...

I'd just make sure your child likes and trusts the therapist. I agree it was unprofessional, but not the worst thing. I was forced into therapy during the second divorce and hated it. I did anything I could not to go and lied when I did go. You sent your child there because you are concerned about his best interest - so ask your child about the relationship outside of that comment. How does he feel about her? If he doesn't like her ... then find someone he does, but therapists aren't perfect. I sympathize with the issue, believe me ... I have my undergrad in psych and understand the merits. I was also "shown the door" by a therapist I visited voluntarily ... because she did not like the fact that she couldn't keep my progress neat and orderly. Okay, she was a patronizing control freak and I liked screwing with her but I digress. I'm 29 and I've been through 3 - one in adolescence, one in college and one that I saw a couple years ago that just wasn't cutting the mustard - and haven't been particularly fond of any of them. Kind of defeats the purpose. Keep the communication open between the three of you (four, actually)and be cautious about taking things too personally and perhaps being hypersensitive. I wish you the best with this sensitive subject and applaud your "reason" and "responsibility" for your son. :)

[jpgray]

31. How old is your kid?

My parents divorced when I was eight, and I remember being very happy about the whole affair. I loved them both dearly (and still do), but I knew they were not working things out, and I enjoyed dealing with them separately as soon as they gave my brother and I the chance. :) Never wnated them to get back together.

I remember time spent with a child therapist, wherein my brother and I played around in a damn sandbox while she asked inane questions and took notes. Biggest waste of money ever. :D