How to scare off the Jehovah's Witnesses

[EmperorHasNoClothes]

They just visited our house. My wife went to the door, they started their spiel, and she said, "We're born again Christians."

They practically ran away from our house! :D

[Hello_Kitty]

1. Mormon works well too

They're like oil and water, for some reason. I've heard they won't even 'work' eachother's neighborhoods. That may be true, evidenced by the fact that I only get Jehovah's Witnesses at my house while other people I know say they only get Mormons.

[Hokie]

2. Answer the door in the nude

Tell them God told you to take off your clothes and go forth naked as he brought you into the world this way. Quite effective.

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[Lord_StarFyre]

4. Amen

...That's my Technique as well.

I found out that they'll put you on a "do not approach" list if you do that.

hehehehehe

I like my sleep on Saturday Mornings. The last thing I want to hear is "Would you like to read the Watch Tower"

[Dzimbowicz]

11. Excellent idea!

I'll have to try that the next time they come around. I wonder if it will work when the Mormons come a-knocking?

[ldf]

19. those mormon guys are usually cute

maybe they WON'T run away.

invite them in to get to know how "spiritual" you are.

:-)

[kodi]

18. from experience, i can tell you it works better if you have an erection

something about a rod and staff bringing comfort

[Bridget Burke]

3. I Tell them I'm Roman Catholic.

Although pretty seriously lapsed. I'd describe myself as an agnostic/atheist interested in myth & comparative religion. However, I was never excommunicated & haven't joined any other church, temple, ashram, coven, etc. So it's mostly true.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

10. Heh. You're me!

Well, switch the Y chromosome for a X, but you get the drift.

[bubbismith]

5. They probably realized you were not interested and just left...

NBD really, just say you aren't, no need to have a plan.

[Krupskaya]

6. Nail rubber snakes to the roof.

Mr. K's grandma did this years ago to keep woodpeckers from shattering her roof to pieces. She forgot they were there and one day saw a couple of Mormons or JWs walking up the driveway. They looked at the roof, looked at each other, and turned around and left.

She, being good MN stock, was embarrassed and felt bad for them, and only narrowly avoided going out and inviting them in for a cup of coffee and a bit of pie just for the hell of it anyway.

[Speck Tater]

7. I quote them two separate Bible verses...

"Judas went forth and hanged himself."

"Go ye and do likewise."

[Kadie]

8. Tell them you are busy sacrificing a goat.

Just a little advice from your Uncle Larry.

he he he

Is that comedian still around, haven't seen him in years.

:evilgrin:

[ToBlave]

9. Toying With Mormons

I am in sufficient physical shape and have a short haircut. My method? I tell Jehova's Witness visitors-politely-that I fly F-18's off the Kennedy and I can't wait for my leave to end so I can resume bombing the shit out of people. The literal horror that registers on their faces is facinating and real: at least I respect that. What I loath is their relentless attempts to handout the Watchtower and their weird version of cultist christianity.

Cheers

[donsu]

12. I tell them I don't believe in gods - they look stunned- I close the door

nt

[hobbit709]

13. How to scare them off

I have a sign on my front door printed in headhunter font (all the letters are composed of bones) in 2-inch high letters


"IF YOU'RE HERE TO PREACH OR PRAY
THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AWAY"

[WillyBrandt]

14. Check Out This Story (involves chainsaw)

My father, a religious man, really doesn't like proseletysers, and has a special dislike for JW people knocking on doors.

Once, when a bunch of little JW women were walking by our front lawn, he just happened to be cutting down trees and bushes with a chainsaw. He looked at them menacingly and started revving up the chainsaw in the air--no knocks that day.

Another time, a JW had her foot on the far corner of our lawn, talking to another JW lady. He saw this, went ballistic, and yelled in English and Spanish (I'm very much paraphrasing) "Get the fuck off my fucking lawn you Goddamn nutcase! Fucking knocking old bitches! Va! Viejas podridas... "

We used to always try to not have my dad answer the doors when the JWs were making the rounds, but in retrospect I realize that he was very effective in keeping them from knocking the next week... or month... or year.

[Maiden England]

15. my husband opened the door to them stark naked

funnily enough, they've never been back.

[hunter]

16. My mom was a Jehovah's Witness until she got banned...

Whenever the Jehovah's Witnesses come to our door I tell them the entire story, Arlo Guthrie's "Alices Restaurant" style. The story ends when my mom "accidently" knocks down the wall in their parking lot while she is backing up her Cadillac, and she drives away LAUGHING. (They did not go after her, they were afraid...)

Then I tell them the story of how I was visited by Jehovah's Witnesses in college, on one of the worst days of my life, and how they made it just a little bit worse (and very surealistic!) and then, when I'm done with that, I let them know they've just uncovered a nest of left-wing social justice Catholic pacifists, and if they are brave, we can trade literature...

If they are still hanging around, I quote Ezekial from "The New English Bible." (This translation is deliciously and hair-raisingly explicit...)

After all of this, our house usually gets blacklisted, and they don't come back for a very long time.

(Sorry Mom! Maybe if I'd been allowed to say the flag salute in elementery school, I wouldn't be so twisted... )

[ldf]

17. answer the door nude

they may run away, and then again they may not.

at that point you have to play it by ear.

:-)

[skygazer]

20. I once answered the door to them

Told them how happy I was to see them and began babbling on and on about pagan gods and strange rituals and how I believe that all life originally came from outer space and on and on and on, without letting them get a word in edgeways. Kind of gave them the same crap they wanted to give me. It took them a while to find an open spot for speech and when they did, all they said was, "bye".

It was a lot of fun.