The Ungrateful Children Thread!

[bleedingheart]

Okay...I have young children but I have to say that the most frustrating thing for me as a parent is when they are ungrateful about opportunities and the life they have.

For some background, I was raised by parents who grew up in the 1930's and 1940's...and they ran a tight ship. We didn't have much money so my mom wasn't keen on sports, or music or anything because it might cost money. In fact, my mom wasn't a "huggy kissy" mom...I was raised by Stoics...and complaining, whining and above all..pouting were never acceptable...

So....I vowed I would change things...and I did...

I am a strict disciplinarian..although I don't spank like my parents did. I do give my kids ample affection and I pay for sports fees, music lessons and museum memberships so that they can see stuff that I didn't see and have opportunities that I wish I had been able to have.....but when they start bitching my head almost explodes....

My sister said she has the same problem...but then she remembers that they have no clue as to how lucky they are because they aren't being raised the way we were.....so then I start to think...there really is no perfect recipe for parenting... there are of course guidelines but there is no perfect strategy...

(by the way I love my kids, they are bright, good and sweeties...except for the ungrateful spells)

[Magrittes Pipe]

1. It's not in children's nature to be grateful.

The long childhood and adolescence of human young does not really allow for "being grateful for what they have." It's instinctual -- the parent is *supposed* to provide, it's just expected. Children aren't equipped to see other kids who have it worse and think "gee, I sure am lucky!" That doesn't really have a chance to develop until they have to make it on their own.

Today, knocking on the door of 30, I am EXTREMELY grateful for all my parents gave me. When I was a teenager? Not so much. And when I was a wee lad, I couldn't even comprehend it.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't expect a certain standard of behavior from your kids. But it does mean that it's hard to be satisfied if you expect a level of gratitude that they're not equipped to give.

[bleedingheart]

3. Oh I know...but it just makes me crazy sometimes...

my mom would never have driven us to the museum to see the dinosaurs,....yet my kids will whine that we didn't stay long enough....

[Ellen Forradalom]

7. It's crazy-making

but it just means that a) they're tired and b) they really had a good time!

[China_cat]

2. You might try

making them pay half of the fees for the things they especially like. (If not in money, then in work...with every job having a specific monetary value)

That's how we got past my youngest's whining about not having designer clothes debt-producing sneakers. We set a budget of what we were prepared to pay for his clothes (all generic, of course) and anything over that he had to pay for himself. In advance when it came to work for payment.

[bleedingheart]

4. mine are still too young.,..and I make them work without payment

cleaning rooms, and helping out with chores is expected...now if they wash cars or do something that is outside normal chores...they get some cash.

However your idea might be better as they get older...

[China_cat]

10. I didn't really mean household chores

that's a given. But we had monetary values for poop scooping the yard or cleaning the cat boxes (I don't expect a kid to do s**t work as part of normal chores), deep cleaning of the bathroom (scrubbing instead of mopping) or kitchen, all depending on the kid's age and the job's hazards. (cleaning the oven would be a no-no)

Lawn work HERE is out though if the kid is under 14 and the job requires power tools like a lawn mower (you CAN make them cut the lawn with scissors, though) because it's now against the law. Even if it's your kid and your lawn.

[bleedingheart]

12. cutting the lawn with scissors! Now there is an idea!

but then my kids will take a small pair of shears and do that for fun...but if you made it a chore they would run.... :-)

[LiberalEsto]

5. I feel your pain!

I have ungrateful college students.

However, things have improved slightly in recent years. Once in a long while one of them expresses mild appreciation for something I've done for them. And both of them told me they missed my cooking when they were living on campus. They're both commuters this semester.

It's not much, but hopefully, it's a start.

[Ellen Forradalom]

6. It's human nature to be bitchy

because it's human nature to have moods. In general, us adults don't do too well at curbing our moods (my hat is off to you if you're better at it than me!). Little kids have even fewer coping abilities.

Don't forget, too, that they save up all their crummy behavior just for you. My five-year-old is quite pleasant in public, but can be a real bitch at home! It's because they feel safe around you.

Beyond that, they have no frame of reference for understanding other circumstances. When they get old enough, an up-close experience with hardship (through, perhaps, volunteering) might help there.

[bleedingheart]

8. I know..isn't it wild when they are sweet as pie in public and then

turn into little demons at home...

[Ellen Forradalom]

9. I just keep telling myself...

"As long as he knows the difference between public and private behavior, it's a start....."

[LiberalEsto]

11. Mine still do this

at ages 18 and 21


cheery thought, huh?

[radwriter0555]

13. I have found that making kids pay for things themselves is a start to

their realizing and appreciating things.

I DO tell my daughter how much things cost, so that she can become aware of how life works.

When she wants a teen magazine at the check-out, I tell her to pay for it herself... suddenly, it's not so needed. At age 11 she gets $7 a week, I suppose I'll raise it on her birthday to $10; she has to pick up all the dog crap for 3 dogs, which is a huge thing for ME. She also willingly helps with dishes, tidying her room, tidying the house and so one. LUCKILY we have a housekeeper weekly, I am a single mom after all, and I like my personal time and a tidy home. We are indeed very fortunate, but I remind the child OFTEN of how lucky we are.

I tell her how much classes are, and sports games and luxuries. She knows how much her education costs ($15K a year) and how much I spend when we travel. We talk about money all the time, and even recently, had discussion on what income amount is considered a good income. What I try to stress to her right now is to NEVER work for someone else. I will push her SO hard to always be her own boss, whether as a writer, an actress, investing in real estate or learning the stock market.

It's important to teach kids the value of money. While we have luxuries, we absolutely talk about the cost of living life. That seems to help a little.