For all Republican Staff members, it's RED SHIRT NIGHT!

[ltfranklin]

Yes, in honor of all you staff members of Conservative Congressman, I am hearby declaring this RED SHIRT night. Enjoy it while you can!



Dead Ensign Sketch http://www3.sympatico.ca/jpolowin/humour/deadensn.htm


K: Hi, Bones. Uhura told me you wanted to see me. What's up?

M: I wish to talk with you about this ensign, whom you dropped off not half an hour ago right here in sickbay.

K: Oh yes, the security redshirt. What's, errr, wrong with him?

M: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, Jim. He's dead. That's what's wrong with him.

K: No, no, he's resting.

M: Look, Jim, I know a dead ensign when I see one... and I'm looking at one right now.

K: No, no, he's... he's not dead... he's resting, you know. Remarkable guys, the security people, aren't they, eh? Beautiful targets-- er, tunics.

M: The tunics don't enter into it! He's stone dead.

K: No, no, he's resting.

M: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up. Hello Mr. Security Guy. I've got a nice fresh band-aid for you.

K: There, he moved.

M: No he didn't, you hit the medtable.

K: No I didn't!

M: Yes, you did!

K: I didn't!

M: Hello, Ensign. Wakey wakey! This is your alpha-shift alarm call! Now, that's what I call a dead ensign.

K: He's stunned!

M: Stunned?

K: Yeah, you stunned him just now as he was waking up. Security people stun easily.

M: Now look, don't play the Ceti eel with me. That ensign is definitely deceased. And when you brought him in not half an hour ago you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to his being tired and shagged out after a long encounter with a beautiful female alien.

K: No, that was me. Well, he's probably just counting his blessings.

M: Counting his blessings! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment you left him here?

K: The security guys prefer meditating on their backs. Remarkable guys, aren't they? Eh, Bones? Beautiful tunics.

M: Look, Captain, I tried to find out why he was staying upright. Turned out that in lieu of a pole up his butt, he studied acting with Jonathan Frakes' drama coach.

K: Oh of course he studied. Listen, Bones, if we didn't keep those security guys chained to desks, they'd sneak over to the shuttlecraft, hack the 256-bit-encrypted lock codes, and... swoosh!

M: Swoosh?

K: Swoosh!

M: Jim, this ensign wouldn't swoosh if you gave him 300 cc's of cordrazine! He's bleeding demised!

K: No, no, he's meditating!

M: He's not meditating, he's rigor-mortis-ing. This ensign is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired, and gone to meet the Great Bird. He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't propped him up on my wall, he'd be in the recyclers. He's hopped the twig. He's curled up his tootsies. He's shuffled off this mortal coil. He's run down the curtain and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. He's fucking snuffed it! Vis-a-vis the metabolic processes he's had his lot. All statements to the effect that this ensign is still a going concern are from now on inoperative. This is an ex-ensign.

K: Well... I guess I'd better replace him for next week, then.

M: Jim, what happened to him? The other guys who went down -- shot, poisoned, brain-sucked, extruded. But I can't find anything wrong with this one. Why's he dead?

K: It's in his contract.

Copyright (C) 1999 by Joel Polowin. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended. I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears: Joel Polowin / 18 Norice St. / Nepean, Ont. / CANADA / K2G 2X5



The Redshirt's Song ('90) http://www.labyrinth.net.au/~gsj/Kaje/Filksongs.html

(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Kirk beams down to the planet
With a Redshirt armed to kill
He still looks rather nervous -
I hope he's made a will.
Up pops a hostile mob
Shoots the Redshirt in the head
Says Kirk, 'Send another Redshirt down
This first one's rather dead!'

Oh! Don't send me! Don't send me!
I'm not disposable!
Could you please send someone else
My schedule's rather full.
Oh! Don't send me! Don't send me
The danger's much too high
I've got a wife and kids back home
I'm far too young to die!

Whenever Kirk's in charge
It always goes the same
The Redshirt winds up dead
But nobody's to blame.
I'm afraid we've had enough
So you can take a hike
Until you can promise we'll come back alive
We're going out on strike!

Oh! Don't send me! Don't send me! etc.


DOCTOR SEUSS DOES CLASSIC STAR TREK
Copyright 1996, Kenneth A. Lower
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk/humor-site/seuss-trek2.htm


Kirk:
Who's the newbie in the shirt of red?
I hope he will not end up dead.

Redshirt:
It's me, it's me, Ensign Deek!
Out of the Academy just last week!

Kirk:
All right Scotty, beam us down
put us in the middle of a town.

Scotty:
Aye sir, aye sir, right away
hope the transporter don't give way!

Kirk:
Now we are in a foreign land
Mr. Spock, please do a scan.

Spock:
Readings indicate something keen
a power source I've never seen.

Redshirt:
Arrrrgggghhhh! A beam has hit my head!

McCoy:
Jim, I'm sorry, he is dead.

[coloradodem2005]

1. RED SHIRT!!!! RED SHIRT!!!!!

[ltfranklin]

3. Eggggzactly!

May I suggest that this become the standard form of greeting whenever one is introduced to a Republican Staffer? They hear it often enough, perhaps they'll think about it.

[imenja]

2. Brown shirts would be more appropriate

How much does a Republican operative get paid anyway?

[ltfranklin]

4. No, Red Shirts more appropriate...

One saves the brown shirts for election recounts.