Okay, I really need some advice

[belladonna]

This is probably the most serious post I've ever done on DU, so bear with me while I give you some background on the problem.

My oldest daughter is 20 years old and I'm extremely worried about her right now. I'm truly beginning to believe that she's involved with drugs and I'm lost as to how to handle it. Some more background:

Not quite a year ago, she started dating this guy, Daniel. He's 21 and they were friends in high school, never dated until last year. I've tried, but I just can't stand the guy, although I believe I've hidden it fairly well until recently. Now, until she started dating Daniel, she was this hyper responsible kid. Working, had a place of her own, my brother co-signed for a car for her and she did really well keeping up the payments.

After a couple of months of being with Daniel, she lost her apartment. Turned out she hadn't paid rent for two months and by the time she came to me for help, it was just too late to do anything about it. I let them both move in with me for about a month, with the understanding that they would pay a token amount to me for bills and work on getting back on their feet. First time I pushed it and insisted they contribute to the household expenses, off they went to live with HIS mother. Fine, if his mother wants to support them, more power to her.

Well, then she fell behind on her car payments. Again, didn't come to me or her uncle until the last minute and came extremely close to losing the car altogether. Personally, I would have preferred that the car get repo'ed, because it was clear at that point that she had no intention of doing the right thing. My brother's credit was at stake though, so between us, we took care of it. Read her the riot act and sent her on her way.

Now, let me be very clear here. She is working TWO jobs, he's working one. They have three paychecks coming in every week. Only thing they pay is the $240 a month car payment and insurance, other than that the only expenses they have are for gas, food, etc. They are ALWAYS broke.... every single time I see her she's broke and her gas tank is sitting on empty.

The other day I find out that she isn't even paying the insurance. Now, by not doing that, she's breaching her contract with the car dealership and the bank, so guess what? They threatened to repo her car again and I refused to do anything about it. My brother took care of it, again, to save his credit rating.

Now, all of that isn't reason enough to think she's on drugs, right? Well, her behavior and attitude have changed drastically as well. I see her one day and she looks like HELL... 20 years older and ready to collapse. Then, a few days later she'll show up and be wired for sound... bouncing off the walls happy and talking non-stop. She absolutely refuses to acknowledge that there's a problem when I try to talk to her and does the predictable thing... accuses me of hating Daniel for no good reason, etc. and on and on.

Any advice on how to deal with this without alienating her completely? I've confronted her a few times lately and it hasn't gone well at all. This is just something I've never had to deal with... hell, I don't even think I'm doing a good job with this post, and I'm usually pretty good at getting my ideas across here. Anyone? Help???

[tk2kewl]

1. If she has a father or an older brother I would start by having...

a serious man-to-man with the boyfriend, if you know what I mean. Then I would sell the car and get her into treatment. But I am not a subtle kind of guy. Best of luck, and I hope she turns it around.

[belladonna]

2. Her father hasn't been around a whole lot

But she is very close to her brother. I've talked with him about it and he's concerned as well, but all attempts by him have been met with the same reaction I got.

[Spinzonner]

3. Perhaps you should contact AL-Anon or similar group

or agency who can give you first hand advice and experience on dealing with relationships with (possible) addicts.

[underpants]

5. Good advice

I don't really know though so I am really just kicking this.

[belladonna]

10. I've contacted a few people

Mostly counselers and therapists, and only one really talked to me. Of course, that was just to suggest that I make an appointment and bring her in... yeah, I can see that happening.

I'll check into Al-Anon though, or as a poster suggested below, find out if there's one specifially for drug users. Thanks :hi:

[crispini]

4. I think you should look into one of those

support programs for yourself, for families whose loved ones are abusing, like Al-Anon. (Do they have one for drug users?) I think that would help you get some insight into what's going on and help you understand how to deal with her. There may not be much you CAN do to help if she doesn't want your help -- sounds like she is really pushing you away. :hug:

[Mutley]

6. I am someone who has experience being on your daughter's side of this prob

I can tell you that harassing her will only drive her away. She'll never want to see or talk to you if she thinks you're only going to bitch at her. I agree that you ought to contact Al-Anon and see what they can tell you to do.

[suigeneris]

9. How did you turn it around, please? nt

[Mutley]

12. I just got tired of it.

I hit a wall and decided that I was done. Now I've been back in school (i failed out during this fiasco), repairing my credit, and back on good terms with most of my family. No one could have forced me to quit, I had to get there on my own.

[suigeneris]

17. Thank you. I have a sibling's family member we are worrying about. nt

[belladonna]

13. That's my biggest fear

Driving her away is the last thing I want to do and I could already see that beginning to happen when I tried to bring it up with her last weekend. It's hard to just sit and do nothing when it's my baby girl though, ya know? :(

[Mutley]

16. I know.

:hug:
It's hard. You have to just hang in there and help her however you can without enabling her. If she's as smart as you say she is hopefully she'll get there.

[mike_c]

7. in all honesty I don't think there's much more you can do...

..that won't simply inflame the situation further. You can offer advice, but she has to find her own way-- and make her own mistakes. I say this from some personal experience, both as a former child and as a parent who made lots of mistakes in both roles. Frankly, my advice is to take steps to protect yourself while she flails around a bit, and by that I mean primarily letting go a little so you can be more dispassionate if you need to be. Tell her that you're worried about her, and ask her to either get it together or to stop putting you in that position. She needs to realize that her actions are affecting you, and that if she doesn't want to make some positive changes then you need some distance. I know that's ULTIMATELY not what you want, but perhaps you shold think about whether that might not be the best thing in the short term.

Good luck-- I hope it all works out for the best.

[belladonna]

14. That's what I've been trying to do over the past couple of weeks

Not being there when she wants to borrow money, refusing to bail her out yet again on the car. My fiance gave me pretty much the same advice that you gave me, but it's sooo damn hard following through on it, even when I know it's probably the best thing to do.

[Droopy]

8. That kind of behavior

could also be indicative of mental illness or a gambling problem. Do you have a history of mental illness in your family? Any casinos in the area? I think drugs are a good possibility, though.

I don't have any experience with parenting so I really can't offer any advice. Best wishes for you and I hope you get things sorted out.

[belladonna]

15. No, no history of mental illness

And no casinos anywhere around here. There is, however, a huge drug problem around this area and it's becoming more and more apparent that she's caught up in it now.

[mike_c]

11. self deleted-- weird posting bug caused a double reply.

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