Will anyone ever talk to me, again?

[elshiva]

[fleabert]

1. what did you do? nt

[elshiva]

6. Well, I was bitchy last night on DU. I think RevCheesehead

hates me. Also I am useless idiot.

[Zuni]

7. stop with that

[elshiva]

10. You see what I mean, then. I am terrible at talking with people!

[Zuni]

33. no, I meant the self-hatred

don't hate yourself. You are a lovely, caring person

[elshiva]

35. Thanks, Zuni!

[GreenPartyVoter]

9. I can't see the cheesy Rev hatin' anyone *hugs*

[sparky_in_ma]

19. I know the Rev

she would never hate you, only care about you. No one is useless. Even the current occupant of the oval office will be useful. He's going to serve as an excellent example, of what an impeached ex-president looks like.

[jobycom]

43. That's going a little far

I'd rather not have him and just not know what an impeached ex-president looks like.

Though I see your point. W will make some worms happy one day.

[fleabert]

27. none of that useless idiot shit! and I am sure an apology will go

a long long way with anyone you got bitchy with. We've all done it once or twice.

[progmom]

2. hi

[KitchenWitch]

3. Hi

I will talk to you!

[evlbstrd]

4. You and me. Let's talk.

[Zuni]

5. Sure I will

what do ya want to chat about, darlin'? I am listening to old Delta blues by Charley Patton right now and I have Star Wars Episode I in my DVD player, half watching.

[elshiva]

21. n/t

[kanrok]

8. Let's BS!

Anytime.

[RevolutionaryActs]

11. I'll talk to you!

[elshiva]

14. God should hate me.

[RevolutionaryActs]

What did you do?

Vote republican?

[elshiva]

20. NO! NEVER VOTED REPUBLICAN IN MY LIFE!

[Redstone]

24. No no no no, let's not talk like that, OK?

There are better ways of working these feelings out.

You have friends here. You know that.

Redstone

[TheProphetess]

12. Don't cry - we're all here for ya!

[AlienGirl]

13. I will. n/t

[elshiva]

16. Thanks!

[alittlelark]

15. I've felt that way after late night PUI posting frenzy's

Most people understand..

[elshiva]

17. PUI?

[alittlelark]

26. Posting Under the Influence.

[elshiva]

29. Thank You!

[Skittles]

18. GET A GRIP ELSHIVA

or I WILL kick your ass

[sam sarrha]

22. ........

[valis]

23. Elshiva... Step way from the keyboard and seek real help...

OK? Not much we can do online, other than saying nice things...

[FizzFuzz]

25. well, I've never really chatted with ya, but I always like your posts

you have good stuff to say! And I always like your sig pics too.

I remember a friend got pissed at me once, but later she told me she remembered that we had been friends a long time and she knew that what she was mad about was only a small incident, not the pattern of who I was and what our friendship was (still is--she is one of my oldest friends)

[elshiva]

28. Thanks! I guess that will happen here, I hope!

[FizzFuzz]

30. yes it will.

Its a weird thing when we can't see how a temporary fuck-up doesn't mean that's who we are.

It can be so easy to beat ourselves up, I know from experience. Hard to get yourself to stop, and another wierd thing is it can start to get kind of alluring to obsess on how awful we feel. Then friends may try to reassure us, but if you're in "beat-up" mode, you won't really feel the support. It can become a vicious circle. But you can also decide not to give over to your own self-beatings(I'm just sharing my experience. And sometimes it can be hard to stop yourself when you're in that mode).

So, Hi, breathe, try not to focus on feeling guilty, and have a hug

[elshiva]

32. Thanks. It is hard to let go of the meanness. Losing two of

my friends (not DUers), plus pissing off Zuni, progmom, and RevCheesehead. Oh well...sigh!

[FizzFuzz]

36. well, I didn't see what happened, but I can see Zuni and Rev and progmom

all reaching out their hands to you! Looks like they still love you!



Now, have another breathe, and go hug them back!!

[elshiva]

37. Thank you!

[FizzFuzz]

38. my pleasure, truly!

and now I can say we HAVE chatted!

See ya around!

[elshiva]

39. See ya!

[progmom]

45. sweetie

I am not pissed off, not at all. How could you think that???? I adore you!

[Sugar Smack]

31. elshiva, that is such BM-

Of course we'll still talk to you. You're a lovable, cherished fixture at DU, and besides, I don't know what you're talking about.

[elshiva]

34. Talking about being a bitch towards RevCheesehead.

Thanks, Sugar!

[Sugar Smack]

40. No problem, honey.

too.

[elshiva]

41. Thanks!

[Kurovski]

42. Not only will I talk to you

but I'll keep reading your posts, too.

Who doesn't grow a sharp edge every now and then these days?

[RevCheesehead]

44. WTF???

Honey, I don't know what's going on with you.

First of all, you've seen that there are many people who DO care about you. Bookmark this thread, and re-read it when you need to.

If you're upset because I haven't responded to your PM, all I can say is that I've had a very long, busy, and emotional day. Sometimes I don't get back to people right away. Sometimes I just don't have any more to give to others.

I really hope you can follow through and get the help you need right now. What you need cannot be found on DU - you need to be working with your counselor. With her - not running from her. And you've got to stop repeating all that negative self-hatred. When you commit those words to posts, you are reinforcing your own negative view of yourself.

Come on, think about it - there was at least ONE good thing that happened to you today. Focus on that, and be grateful.

But please don't post that I hate you, or am pissed off at you. I am not.

[AlienGirl]

46. Rev, as a depressive, I think I understand what's going on

Chances are that elshiva is feeling bad for having opened up emotionally and expressed massive amounts of pain. Depressives do this a lot: they're feeling *awful* and need to vent and want someone to say everything will be fine so they can believe it if only for a minute; and the next day, or later, they feel ashamed and scared that displaying weakness will leave them open to attack.

Here's how the thought loop goes for me: "OMG, I can't believe I told so-and-so that I'm feeling suicidal! Now they know just how crappy and screwed-up I really am, and they'll never want to talk to me again! I always go and depress everyone, I'm just a contemptible burden on everyone..." and so on, usually bringing another episode of suicidal ideation.

It can be very confusing to a person who isn't depressive, because from *their* point of view they were usually feeling good about having had the opportunity to counsel someone through their pain!

I wish brains came with owner's manuals...

Tucker

[RevCheesehead]

47. Oh, believe me, I've been there myself.

(Zoloft is my friend... as was five years of therapy.)

Elshiva, nobody here hates you. At least, those who posted on this thread; and that includes ME!

[AlienGirl]

48. OK, cool

What kind of therapy worked best for you?

[RevCheesehead]

49. I had a counselor who was also a spiritual director.

I operate out of a theological perspective, and it helped to have someone who not only knew the language, but was willing to work with me, challenge me, and push me when necessary. She also got to know me well enough to call "bullshit" when I needed it.

[AlienGirl]

50. Did you ever have a crisis of meaning?

When it got really bad, how did you manage to keep a sense that there is meaning in life?

[RevCheesehead]

51. Thinking of my nephew.

Thinking how my parents couldn't deal with a suicide. Sitting with my cats, absorbing their love, and refusing to abandon them.

And, in time, it was the experience of having survived suicidal thoughts, and moments of despair. Oddly enough, some of those lessons came as a result of excruciating pain (deaths of close friends, getting fired, having relationships fall apart, etc...).

I know this may sound odd, but what I learned was that
1) at the time, it seemed as if I had reached the end of the world, that I would never survive the pain;
2) the gift of time proved me wrong every single time - I DID survive, I learned, and grew with each "pruning";
3) one gets better at nearly everything with practice, and it's the same with learning how to deal with grief and despair. Now, there's less despair, less fear, and more willingness to enter into the pain of grief. I allow myself to really feel the pain, and not try to cover it up, deny it, or eat my way out of it.