I really really hate to do this but

[no name no slogan]

i always feel like a selfish bastard when i come in here bitching and moaning but i could really use some good thoughts again.

most of you know that i'm dealing with not only a recurrence of my major depression but also the dissolution of a nine-year marriage. i was hospitalized for a week in May to get my depression under control and to get my life together.

earlier this week, i was at our old house, sorting through things and taking what i needed for my new apartment (neither of us wants or can afford the house, so we're getting rid of it).

i think i'm having a minor relapse. i haven't been into work since monday, and i'm taking the rest of the week off. i'm back at my mother's house, staying here until saturday when i'll try to move back into my apartment. one of my best friends lives two blocks away, and is looking after the cats.

i was doing so well, and i know that i will succeed at my new life, but this setback has really taken a toll on my morale. the light at the end of the tunnell is so close, but still so far away.

any good thoughts you can send this way are greatly appreciated. and i'm sorry for being such a whiny bastard, but i could really use the karma.

thanks.

:hug:

[pitohui]

1. hey

hang in there

[no name no slogan]

6. thanks!

:hug:

[enigmatic]

2. Good vibes your way

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

9. thanks, i can sense 'em!

:hi:

[jeff30997]

3. All I can say is:

:grouphug:

[no name no slogan]

16. thanks jeff

:hug:

[JimmyJazz]

4. I'm sending some good thoughts and vibes your way.

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

17. thank you jj

i appreciate it! :pals:

[XemaSab]

5. Don't feel bad for sharing what you're going through

We're your DU family.

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

18. thank you dear

you're very kind :hug: :pals:

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

7. Damn... depression sucks.. are you medicated now?

If so, what?

Keep your head up. Go do something different. Really different. Fun different that is... go to an amusement park, beach, pool... whatever.

I have BTDT myself (minus the marriage break up) but depression is depression, and it's worst enemy is light and fun.

[no name no slogan]

14. heavily medicated

four different drugs and maybe a fifth to control some side effects: Cymbalta, lithium, trazodone, plus a testosterone replacement therapy because of my malfunctioning pituitary gland.

things were going so well, and then going back to my old house was just too much. just another reminder of what a failure i was at my marriage, and it just reinforced those feelings of inadequacy.

the good part is that my mother said she'd be willing to help get it cleaned out so i don't have to go there again. i may take her up on it, because if this is the result of going there, i can't take much more.

thanks for the good thoughts-- i appreciate it! :grouphug:

[CarlosNH]

8. My wife went through the same thing

(not the divorce part, just the depression). It was due to anxiety and stress. I also went through a very depressed period when I got divorced six years ago. What got both of us through our rough periods was something that a friend of mine told me long ago - "this too shall pass." You are at a really low point right now, but this too shall pass.

My thoughts are with you!

[no name no slogan]

21. this too shall pass

that's the story of my life. if you would have told me, three months ago, what my life would be like right now i never would have believed you. everything has been turned completely on its head since May 12, the day my ex- ended our marriage and I went into the psych ward.

thanks for your kind thoughts! :hug:

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

10. relapse is a natural part of all manner of recovery and

your life's arc is looking good overall. You're going to soar. (You might also want to get back to work so you can get paid to post here.)

good thoughts coming at ya!

[no name no slogan]

25. thanks for the good thoughts!~

:hi:

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

26. you bet!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

11. You know too, no name..it might not be a relapse at all

Your depression could be separate and apart from the separation anxiety you are feeling after such a huge lifechange...I mean depression is separate and apart from looking at things that remind you of the past and of happier times when the future looked (or at least appeared to be) brighter.

All I am saying is that I think ANYONE, not just someone suffering from depression would have some sadness when they reminisce while clearing out and going through old things. Perhaps, knowing the way you feel right now is NORMAL for the circumstances will help you to avoid a complete relapse.


Hope this helps..if it doesn't then take this :hug:

[no name no slogan]

28. thanks for the insight

i usually attend a group session for depression once/week but i missed it monday because i was moving. your insight reminds me very much of what i would have heard there. and i think you're probably right.

our house was in such a state of disrepair that it was impossible to live there. being there just brought back the anxiety that i have about it. the sooner i'm free of it, the better.

thanks again for your thoughts and caring. i appreciate it! :hug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

31. Here's to your health and freedom

:toast:

[MsAnthropy]

12. Here's a hug (((((((NNNS)))))))))

I've been following your posts and cheering for you. I can sympathize since I've been through both depression and divorce. It does end, the trick is to hang on. Wait it out--it'll get better.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[no name no slogan]

32. thank you so much!

i hope this is just a minor setback. things are better now than they were a couple months ago, so i guess i can't complain too much-- besides, nobody likes a complainer anyways! :silly:

[Debi]

13. Here's to things looking brighter soon

and a hug for you too :hug:

[no name no slogan]

34. thanks Debi!

:hug:

[Love Bug]

15. You're dealing with a lot right now, so don't be surprised if

it takes awhile for things to even out for you.

Come, talk to us. We here at DU have about a zillion years collective experience dealing with all kinds of crap life throws at us! We're hear to listen and offer support! :hug:

[no name no slogan]

35. thanks Love Bug

unfortunately this rainy weather does foul things for my mood, but i'll take it over the humidity any day! :hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

19. I hope you feel better

I'll send you all good energy, depression is hard, been there done that

[no name no slogan]

36. thanks Mrs S!

yeah, this episode is the worst. i've been dealing with it for 20+ years, but the epis get worse as i get older. right now i'm just trying to stay out of the hospital again. not that i have anything against the hospital-- it's just that it's boring as hell and i have to be cooped up with a bunch of loony tunes :silly:

[Rising Phoenix]

41. hang in there

I know it feels like it will never get better, but it does

[MissHoneychurch]

20. I wish I could help you more

but since I am Germany all I can send you are good vibes and tell you that you are in my thoughts. Keep writing songs and playing your music, that will give you strenghts to get through this tough time

:hug: :pals:

[no name no slogan]

22. thank you MissHoneychurch

it's amazing how inspiring disappointment can be. hope your Baltic holiday goes well!!! :hug: :pals:

[MissHoneychurch]

30. I am sure it will

except it is cold. And it is "only" the Baltic SEA, I will be staying in Germany :)

Looking forward to your new songs. When they are as good as then ones I got :thumbsup:

[no name no slogan]

40. oh well, cold sea is better than no sea!

The Great Lakes in North America are much like that, all the time: even in the summer, the water temperature in Lake Superior (the biggest) barely gets above 4° C. Of course, the water isn't very clean, either, so you probably don't want to go swimming in it too often! :P

:hug:

[Nite Owl]

23. Good Karma being sent

A mistake would be not coming here and withdrawing. We all need each other.

[no name no slogan]

37. very true

my mother lives about 90 miles away from where i live, but it's much more comfortable and safer here-- although i'm away from my friends.

this place is good though. nice people who give the time of day to some emotionally compromised fool in his mid-30s who can't handle his nerves.

thanks for the kind thoughts! :hug:

[skygazer]

24. I have been where you are right now

I'm sorry you have to be there - it's no fun at all. There is most certainly a light at the end of the tunnel. I have suffered all my life (I'm 44) with chronic, crippling bipolar disorder - I was not diagnosed until I was 36 so much of that time was just straight suffering. Yet now, I'm in a very good place, happy even which is something that at one time I didn't really believe existed. I don't even take meds anymore though I would not hesitate to do so if I felt myself seriously slipping.

Hang on, try to find alternate ways to cope with the emotions that overwhelm - people like us don't have the same coping mechanisms as so-called "normal" people and we have to find our own. It is possible though. I'm living proof.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'd be glad to lend an ear. :hug:

[no name no slogan]

38. thanks skygazer

i'm glad that you were also able to get help.

i was first diagnosed with a recurring major depression in my early 20s, but i've probably been this way since puberty (i'll be 36 next week). you're right about the coping mechanisms-- they're not quite the same, and we see the world a little differently than others do.

I appreciate the sympathetic ear. :hug:

[Trigger Hippie]

27. Hi babe

You have all my good thoughts. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

:*

[no name no slogan]

33. thanks cutie!

:*
i appreciate the hugs! :hug: :pals:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

29. No apologies necessary...

We're all here for each other... :hug:
Have you discussed this with your doctor? Don't wait for this to get worse, please.

Sending healing cybervibes your way~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[no name no slogan]

39. thank you Goddess

I go to a group session once/week, and see my counsellor once every 2-3 weeks for the time being. i'm seeing my psychiatrist later this month, too, so i've got some decent supervision.

i think the house stuff triggered the anxiety again and that's what's knocked me for a loop. my mother is going to help me finish moving into the new place this weekend, which i'm still having a tough time doing. unfortunately simple life tasks (like grocery shopping, cleaning the apartment) are very challenging right now, but eventually they'll get easier, i know.

thanks again for the good karma! :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

42. It makes perfect sense

that revisiting those memories would wreak havoc on your psyche.

I wonder if it wouldn't help to just get new stuff for your new apartment and your new life. It wouldn't even have to be new...yard sales and thrift shops can be a treasure trove for life's little neccessities.

If you can't afford to do it all at once, try replacing one item at a time. Focus on the wonderful life you are building for yourself.

And if you find there are memories you can't bear to part with, yet you can't bear to remember right now; ask your mom to help you pack those things away for another day, after you've become settled into your new life. :hug:

[no name no slogan]

44. that's interesting, because i've thought much the same thing

it's a little strange to see some of "our" stuff in "my" new apartment. thankfully the new place is about 1/4 the size of my house, so i haven't been able to take much with me.

i've always had abandonment issues, too, which doesn't help much right now. my dad left us when i was 4, and even to this day i still have dreams about my childhood home, which my mom sold 15 years ago. i lived in the house for 8 years, which was the longest place i've lived in since i was a kid, so this feeling of dislocation/abandonment is still really strong.

i also moved all the way across town from my old place, just to get a fresh start. i don't have any desire to see my ex-, or to unexpectedly run into her anywhere either. she's done enough damage to my psyche for one lifetime.

[Redstone]

43. Take it easy and take your medicine; it'll get better.

Maybe not right away, and maybe not a whole bunch better, but it'll get better.

I promise. You just have to be patient.

Redstoe

[no name no slogan]

45. Thanks Redstone

things have been going so well for so long that a couple of bad days have just knocked me out of the saddle, temporarily. A couple of days rest should really help out a lot, especially since my concentration is shot to shit right now.

thanks for the encouraging words! :hi:

[Redstone]

50. One other thing: It ain't easy, but more than almost any

other thing, you gotta get up in the morning and go to work!

I'm no stranger to clinical depression, though probably never had it as bad as you seem to, and I KNOW that you can't beat it without medication and counseling help, but staying active really does help the other stuff to work better.

I understand that depression can NOT be fought by force of will alone, but you need to keep moving, my friend. Whe it hit me hard after my second failed shoulder surgery and final descent into the maelstrom of chronic pain, I was in my office every day anyway. Didn't get more than about two cents worth of work done for a couple of months, but it hepled to be trying to do something anyway.

Hang in there.

Redstone

[no name no slogan]

53. that's been the only constant in my life

the only thing that is unchanged in my life right now is my job. it's the only large thing that i have in common with my "old life" before May 12. otherwise, almost everything else is different.

thankfully, my job is such where i can telecommute, if necessary, so i've been doing that. even a couple/few hours a day gives me a real sense of accomplishment.

thanks again for the suggestion. it makes a lot of sense! :hi:

[ScreamingMeemie]

46. It's not selfish, it's relying on good friends to help you through the

rough spots. Nine years is a long time to settle up. My shoulder is always here if you need one to lean on or cry on. You are such a dear person here at DU, that you only need to ask and I'll be there.

Please be easy on yourself,

~Laura :hug:

[no name no slogan]

48. thanks for the kind words MrsG

thank you so much. i really truly appreciate it. i'm not used to getting compliments as a rule: my ex- was very good at making me feel emotionally small, and it's taking me some time to get used to the fact that i'm really okay after all.

:hug:

[roguevalley]

47. you aren't whining. and you are seeking support. Good. always

talk. depression is such a brick weighing you down. are you being treated for it, honey? you have to know, there will be down times. it will come and go. don't fret that it happened. just know it will. then it will pass and you will be just that much stronger. keep your morale, honey. just know its the way this works: it comes and goes, you feel blue and then you feel better. learning a new life can take time. you have good friends. you have pets. you have family. that is your lifeline and the rest, it will come. just know that. you don't have to 'buck up' or 'get tough' or worry that you are 'whining'. You are making a new life and you are mourning your old one. You are in my observation normal and pretty much following the path these things usually go. Take care and know you are loved.

RV, alaska

[no name no slogan]

49. thanks RV

i was hospitalized for the depression in may, after a major episode triggered by my ex-'s "out-of-the-blue" announcement that our marriage was over. I've been on medication for it for twelve years or so, and am currently on four medications for it (possibly a 5th to treat some side effects in the near future).

I know some people get so sick of all the whiny threads around here, and I didn't want to add to the unnecessary navel-gazing, but i don't have any friends in my mom's town (she lives 90 miles away) and i'm kind of alone right now. I'm just so glad there are so many kind and caring people around DU-- I would really be lost without them!

:hug:

[faithnotgreed]

51. no one who is having a tough time or has depression

or anything like that should apologize
ever
for feeling low or worn down or needing people to talk to

we all go through awful stuff
which doesnt help exactly but you are most definitely not alone

sending warm thoughts and a smile to you nnns
i know its been rough for you but depression is an awful grind and nothing to apologize for and you are never a "whiny bastard"

take good care friend
keep whatever piece you can focused on that light at the end of this tunnel
you are never alone

[no name no slogan]

54. thank you very much

it's just such a struggle to keep the wolves at bay some days. i really appreciate the good thoughts! :hug:

[faithnotgreed]

60. i cant imagine

what its like so i wont try to act as if i do
but i can say firmly that its important to keep talking and keep reaching out

when we stop - even though we need it - is when its time to worry
so i for one am glad to hear from you

and i agree with someone upthread
anyone would feel deep grief in this situation that youre now going through (or continuing to go through)
and that *can* be a separate thing from the depression but of course it all mixes together

either way it must be very difficult but please keep posting and getting out whatever sadness or anger or whatever it is youre feeling
and you will surely feel us reaching back

[miss_kitty]

52. I'm glad a good friend is looking after your kitties

I can't wait for the 3 of you to be reunited!

Do what you need to do to keep yourself well. It's not selfish to ask for help. That's what a community of people is for :hi:

[no name no slogan]

55. thank you miss_kitty

i was making such remarkable progress that even a seemingly minor setback like this seems insurmountable. but i know better, and i know that things will continue to get better. maybe a couple days rest, away from everything, will do the trick. i can certainly use the sleep!!! :pals:

[A-Schwarzenegger]

56. "The Joy Hidden in Sorrow" (for now or later)

I just read this yesyerday & it was helpful in easing my way
through some suffering of my own ...

http://www.fsnewsletter.net/41/joy.htm

[GreenPartyVoter]

57. *hugs*

[AlleyCat123]

58. Sending good karma your way.

I hope the positive vibes I'm sending out to you help. Take care.

:hug:

[swag]

59. You got 'em good buddy. Let that inner strength and persistence

get you through and grow for you. This too shall pass. You will survive and later you will thrive.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. Good food, good sleep. Exercise. Read. Relax.

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

61. One thing you can always count on is DU

To send you good vibes, thoughts, karma and prayers! It'll get better.

[VOX]

62. In a way, it'd be weird if you *weren't* depressed!

The end of a marriage is right up there with the death of a loved one, in terms of the emotional toll on the survivor. If you said you weren't depressed, that would be very strange, given the circumstances.

Give yourself permission to hit bottom -- it's okay to do so, you've been through the wringer. Just don't get stranded there. You deserve to have a good and happy life, and it will be there for you when you are ready. Go slowly, and don't be tough on yourself when you have a setback. It will get better by degrees, guaranteed.

Hang in there, and take good care of yourself. :hug:

[SarahB]

63. Big hugs.

:pals:

I've been in some dark places in my life and gotten through it. You can as well. :hug:

[Terran]

64. I have a friend

who's also clinically depressed and is also dealing with the break-up of a very long-term relationship. So, I think I understand where you're at. Talking to him on the phone, he sounds terrible, and my heart goes out to anybody going through such a thing. Just keep that light at the end of the tunnel in sight.

By the way, your kitty avatar is adorable. Don't forget your cats love you.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

65. Sorry you're feeling that way, Dan

But if you're off work anyway, can you muster enough energy to come to the Twin Cities DU picnic tomorrow?

Sometimes a little mindless socializing can put the brakes on a slide into despair!

[no name no slogan]

66. Thanks Lydia

I'll have to see how I'm feeling later. I'm still a little overwhelmed and exhausted, but at least today I was out of bed before noon. Right now I just want to sleep all day, but it feels like things are getting better.

I'll probably "go home" tomorrow, and finish moving in. I need to do some basic things, like grocery shopping and cleaning the apartment, but my mother said she'd help me with that. Plus my phone was switched on today, so that helps.

thanks for all the warm thoughts. i really appreciate it! :hug:

[In_The_Wind]

67. I'm sorry you're feeling in a 'low' spot ~ no name no slogan

~~>