Post your favorite amusing quote

[suzbaby]

Here's mine (well, there's two):

New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering that an eight-ounce bottle of hazelnuts costs about $9.00. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs.
--Jimmy Fallon

In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole.
--Jon Stewart

:rofl:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

1. The Stewart one is laugh-out-loud funny....

As almost all of his stuff is.

:rofl::rofl:

[suzbaby]

2. I do love Jon Stewart

pity I don't get Comedy Central... x(

[WritingIsMyReligion]

7. I feel your pain.

Must be terrible :D

[skygazer]

3. "I'm a uniter, not a divider"

That one always makes me chuckle. :eyes:

[MiniMandaRuth]

4. Here's one:

"The pen is mightier than the sword, but only when dipped in deadly poison, sharpened to a point, and thrown from ten feet away. But really, you're better off with a sword."

Ben Franklin, from America: The Book: A Citizens guide to democracy.

[ghostsofgiants]

5. That book is great.

[suzbaby]

6. Another

It is a well known fact that those people who must want to rule are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it...anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
--Douglas Adams

[tinfoilinfor2005]

8. I've always loved the Mark Twain quote:

The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

[Benfea]

9. I have bunches of favorites.

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong."
—H. L. Mencken

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?"
—Douglas Adams

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
—Douglas Adams

"Don't get you knickers in a twist. Nothing is solved and it makes you walk funny."
—Katherine Carpenter

"Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read."
—Frank Zappa

"It's great to be known, but it's even better to be known as strange."
—Takeshi Kaga

"The glass isn't half empty or half full—it's twice as big as it needs to be."
—George Carlin

"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare."
—Blair Houghton

"My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character."
—Charles Barkley

[Akoto]

11. The Takeshi Kaga quote is one of my long-time favorites.

Long live Chairman Kaga. :D

[Benfea]

16. I thought I was the only one who ever pulls that quote out.

I bought the Iron Chef book (yeah, I'm a fanboi), and when I read that line I just had to store it in my little file of quotes.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

12. LOL!

:rofl::rofl:

[blondeatlast]

10. Dorothy Parker--here's just one of my faves:

When being interrogated by the FBI on suspicion of being a communist: "Overthrow the government? I can't even make my dog lie down!"

[Magrittes Pipe]

13. Parker was full of 'em.

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

[WCGreen]

20. She Runs the Gamut of emotions from A to B...

Dotm about Kate Hepburn performing on Broadway in the 1930's....

[Strong Atheist]

14. "Bigger Guns. We gonna need bigger guns. We need BIG,

BIG FUCKING GUNS..."

[Benfea]

22. What's the from again? -NT

[Strong Atheist]

26. Split Second, with

Rutger Hauer.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105459/

[Magrittes Pipe]

15. "I don't have any roots, man. I'm a mammal."

Mose Allison

[intheflow]

17. "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

[TexasLady]

18. Ellen Degeneres

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. "

[DawgHouse]

19. Jay Leno

"Actually, one awkward moment today in Washington. During the 21-gun salute, Dick Cheney returned fire."

[Benfea]

23. Buwahahahaha! -NT

[WCGreen]

21. We're behind you 100%....

Until we have to be....

Catch 22......

[LynzM]

24. There are easier things in life...

than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-o to a tree, for instance. :crazy:

[Spider Jerusalem]

25. Winston Churchill, speaking of a contemporary (probably Clement Attlee):

'He has all of the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire.'

[Starbucks Anarchist]

27. Tom Waits:

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away."

[kwassa]

28. Is this a time for airy persiflage?

I've always found "The Mikado" a great source of quotes.

From Pooh-Bah, to be used when accused of telling a lie:

"Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative."

from the same scene:

Nanki-Poo. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon.

Ko-Ko. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It seems you're the son of the Mikado.

Nanki-Poo. Yes, but that happened some time ago.

Ko-Ko. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is here, and with Katisha!

Nanki-Poo. My father! And with Katisha!

Ko-Ko. Yes, he wants you particularly.

Pooh-Bah. So does she.

Yum-Yum. Oh, but he's married now.

Ko-Ko. But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it?

Nanki-Poo. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her because I'm married already — consequently she will insist on my execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be buried alive.

Yum-Yum. You see our difficulty.

[Calliope]

29. Benjamin Franklin

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.