!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

[uppityperson]

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

[EstimatedProphet]

1. An excellent example of how statistics can be misused and misunderstood

[uppityperson]

2. Lies, damned lies and statistics.

good morning, or rather afternoon.

[no name no slogan]

3. No, they're just boring

and they suck, too.

[Fountain79]

4. I believe the Nazi's ate a lot of bread... n/t

[Neoma]

5. But it sure is good.

[trof]

6. There should be NO bread consumption in ANY public place.

Why should my senses have to tolerate YOUR bread consumption habits?
BTW, 'consumption' is another term for TUBERCULOSIS!
All restaurants and bars should be made 'bread free'.
A 50' radius of ALL public building entrances should also be 'bread free'.
Bread consumers are fat and GROSS!
;-)

[ikri]

7. Bread has nothing on Dihydrogen Monoxide

The dangers of which can never be understated!

Just look at some of these possible dangers:

* Death due to accidental inhalation of Dihydrogen Monoxide, even in small quantities.
* Prolonged exposure to solid Dihydrogen Monoxide causes severe tissue damage.
* Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.
* Dihydrogen Monoxide is a major component of acid rain.
* Gaseous Dihydrogen Monoxide can cause severe burns.
* Contributes to soil erosion.
* Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
* Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
* Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
* Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere.
* Thermal variations in Dihydrogen Monoxide are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect.

And Dihydrogen Monoxide is used in the manufacture of bread!

Be sure to read more about this dangerous chemical

[bumponalog]

8. not half as dangerous as Cream.

Cake, on the other hand, is not dangerous at all - just kinda hokey.

[uppityperson]

10. I'm so glad, I'm so glad, I'm glad I'm glad I'm glad

[Mutley]

9. Well, I'm well and truly screwed, then.