I need some help editing a letter to a supposed "friend." Advice too.

[never cry wolf]

Here's the situation, my "best friend" now lives out of town. We email and chat on IM on an almost daily basis. She came into town last Monday to see her mom and some other friends and is going back tomorrow. A group of us old guys play baseball every July 4th and have been since high school (33 years). This year she showed up and saw everyone. It was a group situation and she spent most of the time talking with people she hadn't seen for 25 years, quite understandably. So we really didn't get a chance to talk.

Since the 4th, I have seen her exactly ZERO times. We have talked on the phone only so that I could arrange for another group get together for her this afternoon and again I won't be able to just chat and catch up on things. Since she is only in town a few times a year I arranged my schedule so that for the week I was flexible enough to share any time she may have, but apparently she did not even have 5 minutes.

Soooo, first, any advice is appreciated. Second, I wrote the below letter and would like any opinions and or editing anyone here may have to offer. Too repetitive? Used "i" to many times? Should I even give it to her? Could she have really been THAT busy? AM I crazy? Obsessed? Justified?

So, here it is. I have stared at it and wrote and rewrote it many times and thought some fresh sets of eyes may help:

Well, I don’t quite know where to begin. I am in the midst of going through absolutely the toughest time of my life, both personally and professionally, the kind of times where you could really use a good friend. Frankly, I am not sure I will survive. I had been very much looking forward to the relief of being able to spend some quality time and having some fun with you, some respite from the storm. In the past we have shared many trials and tribulations with each other as well as joys and successes.

You have special circumstances that do not allow for normal communication. First, you live out of town and second, you have a very psychotically jealous husband. Therefore we cannot talk on the phone or in person except for the infrequent times you are in town. Email and messaging are difficult means of communication in the first place, and even then I have to pretend to be Kathy and there are subjects which are taboo to discuss at all. So, you see, it is understandable that I was looking forward to a bit of face time or even phone time together, a reason to smile, which comes by rarely for me these days.

You have said that we were extremely lucky to have found each other and that very few people find someone they “click” with so well, and I believed that too. We have used the term “soul buddy” in referring to our friendship and we have even each said that the other had saved our life. Pretty damn heady stuff there, non? I had assumed that these feelings of deep friendship and connection were genuine on both our parts and that it was a special friendship, it sure felt like it to me anyway.

Before you moved out of state, it used to be that on a day trip from XXXXXXX more often than not, you made some time available for me. After you moved, the first few trips home we talked on the phone and in person often. It sure seemed like you looked forward to those times and enjoyed them when they happened. We have always had great fun together be it sharing an antipasto salad, talking, taking a walk or driving around honking at houses and condos (didn’t each of us almost simultaneously say that that night was the best time we had had in a long time?)

But this trip it seems like you have purposely avoided any personal time. I have no idea why your attitude has changed so drastically. All I wanted was to pal around a bit, laugh, have some fun, talk and catch up on things. There are so many things to talk about and catch up on and many of them are not subjects to be talked about on line or in front of others except for your mom or XX.

I know that a few visits ago you thought I was too forward or something and had other aspirations but that is not only by the wayside, it’s by the way, wayside (what the hell is a wayside anyway?) I am talking here merely spending time as friends, strictly platonic. I have always enjoyed our time together, and thought that you did too and I was very much looking forward to more. But I am also sure that you have a good time with pretty much anyone, you have that way about you.

I like spending time with friends and make arrangements to do so and go out of my way for my special friends. More often than you will ever know I have adjusted my schedule so that I could be available for you. The eve of the above mentioned antipasto salad I arranged for some dear old friends to meet you on short notice. When you could not make it I made the choice get that salad and share it with you and make 6 other friends wait for me for an hour and a half so I could spend some quality time with my special friend. That opportunity does not come around often and I did not want to miss it. I am glad I didn’t.

I know that this trip your dance card was fairly full, you wanted to see many people, no doubt a few old bfs among them, and I am glad that you did. But to be able to spend some rarely available time with a “friend for the ages,” one would think that would be something one would make a priority. I can’t believe that out of a whole week you couldn’t make even 30 minutes available, I can only assume it was something you chose not to do. You have said many times that actions speak louder than words. I am therefore left with the conclusion that I have misjudged the closeness of this friendship and that you take it relatively casually.

It’s your life and your choices, you certainly owe me nothing. I’m not demanding, complaining or whining here, it is what it is. It just isn’t what I thought it was.

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. You just posted this 12 minutes ago

[never cry wolf]

3. Hunh, weird... Thanks.... n/t

[never cry wolf]

7. Thanks for your comments on the original

I hit post instead of preview, stopped the page from loading and did the preview & editing. I must have posted.
Your comments on the other were the kind of thing I am looking for, thanks!

As one who doesn't live in his hometown any more, and so when I visit

Edited on Sun Jul-09-06 12:31 PM by Rabrrrrrr
have to make the best of it and am always leaving out some friends and family from my presence, I would find your letter quite offensive and more than likely I would say to myself, "Good. That's one less person I need to worry about when I come into town. Thank God."

Your letter reads rather, well, melodramatic and overdone and overwrought and VERY needy, and it's way too long - all you need to do is state your case succinctly and without all the emotional guilt baggage.

something like: "Name, I'm very disappointed we didn't get to spend more time together while you were here. I understand that you have many people to see, and many things to do, so I hope that next time you come into town we can set aside some time for us to get together."

That sounds more like a friend, and not a needy washcloth.


Obviously, I don't know yours or her situation, and so am speaking blindly here, but geez, I'd really be offended.

Thanks, that is probably what she would think too. Glad I havn't pulled the trigger on the letter yet.

[Mutley]

2. Did you want editing for grammar and punctuation

or just advice on the subject matter?

[never cry wolf]

4. Any and all....n/t

[Mutley]

8. Well, I usually try to avoid giving advice on such personal things

especially to people I don't know, but I agree with Rabrrrrrr in the other thread. This seems like a bit much. We don't have enough information to be able to give you truly useful advice, but I think you can just cut this down to, "Are you avoiding me?" The rest of it just seems like thoughts and feelings that you needed to vent, but which may not be necessary to say to your friend.

[never cry wolf]

11. Thanks

That may just be it, that I had to get my thoughts out somehow, somewhere. Better here than with her.

[Rabrrrrrr]

5. As one who doesn't live in his hometown any more, and so when I visit

have to make the best of it and am always leaving out some friends and family from my presence, and being forced to decide "Who do I see this time?" I would find your letter quite offensive and more than likely I would say to myself, "Good. That's one less person I need to worry about when I come into town. Thank God."

Your letter reads rather, well, melodramatic and overdone and overwrought and VERY needy, and it's way too long - all you need to do is state your case succinctly and without all the emotional guilt baggage.

something like: "Name, I'm very disappointed we didn't get to spend more time together while you were here. I understand that you have many people to see, and many things to do, so I hope that next time you come into town we can set aside some time for us to get together."

That sounds more like a friend, and not a needy washcloth.


Obviously, I don't know yours or her situation, and so am speaking blindly here, but geez, I'd really be offended.

[bettyellen]

6. she doesn't believe it's " by the wayside"

and to be honest, that letter makes it seem like you're still too into her.
she's married, and she's made her choice. that letter is not going to help.

[never cry wolf]

9. Well, I suppose I am into her, I must admit.

She is married, but extremely unhappily, as am I. We have each independently decided to divorce in the near future.

[bettyellen]

12. well, maybe she's decides to stay with him or doesn't want

your advice about the husband, because obviously you're biased.
that letter is high pressure, bad marriage or not. like a lot of women getting out of a marriage, she may not want to jump into a serious relationship. which seems to be what you have in mind. she may feel a bit betrayed thinking you were interested in her solely as a human being and not as as love interest. believe it or not, women do buy that "just a friend" thing, we forget how full of shit it most often is. she may well think of you as a brother, but from that letter i'm guessing she can tell you are carrying a torch. sometimes that;s more a burden than it is flattering.

[never cry wolf]

14. Thanks, understanding women is an oxmoron for me.

We dated off and on for 8 years before we married others, she was my first love and I guess I have never really gotten over it.

We had lost touch for 22 years until I found her at classmates.com 4 years ago. We had led almost parallel marriages without knowing it and before we re-met had decided on divorce but stayed in it for the kids independent of each other. Each of our kids are now nearly old enough for that time to come.

[bettyellen]

16. wow, so you guys were together a long time. oh boy.

you need to be cool with whatever she does- including how she spends her visit- with no strings, no expectations, no pressure. and this letter says pretty much the opposite. you have to get past that. you don;t need her complicating your divorce, or vice versa either.
if she's trying to untangle herself the last thing she may need is to feel is pressure to be with someone. she may be getting that from the soon to be ex as well. or she maybe backing out of her plan to leave him and doesn;t want to discuss it with you.
either way, she needs you to back off.

[never cry wolf]

18. Thanks again, you make sense

She is not at all backing off her divorce, just the opposite, gearing up for it. On the 4th she mentioned to another friend that she hoped to move back home by January, without her husband.

But yes, what you said makes sense. She has said that she will never marry again and I do sense that she does not want any relationships for some time.

I guess I just thought that what we had was so special. She has called me her knight in shining armor, and has said we were soul mates. I guess from a male perspective when that is the case, why avoid it, relish it beacuse it is a rare and beautiful thing.

[hfojvt]

15. speaking as a brother

I recently feel like I got blown off by my sister, and, believe it or not, that kinda hurts too.

One thing I find about friends is this - "friends come and go, but enemies accumulate"

[bettyellen]

17. except you don't have secret romantic aspirations for your sister....

well, i hope not.
:shrug:

[hfojvt]

24. that was kinda my point

you seemed to say that his feeling were only hurt because of those "secret romantic aspirations" that the hurt feelings were evidence of those aspirations, but that's not necessarily so. That it seldom feels good to be misused, ignored, or refused, no matter what aspirations are involved.

[hfojvt]

10. that does it

I am going to kill this thread too.
Or try.
Death by spanking.

:spank: :spank: :spank: :spank: :spank: :spank: :spank: :spank:

Why does the one I post in become the deleted 'dupe' even though it was the first?? :wtf:

Oh, what a world...what a world... :hide:

[never cry wolf]

13. I read your comment, it made sense, thanks.

I finished my post, went to hit preview so I could edit but hit post instead. Stopped the page loading and went ahead and edited. That is why I left this one up, post editing. I had to X out some names.

[arwalden]

19. Make It Shorter... Just Long Enough To Fit Inside A Blank Greeting Card

... hand written.

Dear You:

Despite my best efforts, I was disappointed that you couldn't find the time to visit with me on your recent trip. I'm sorry to say that our friendship isn't as strong as I once thought it was.

Clearly the effects of time, distance and other unusual circumstances and challenges have taken their toll. I don't think I need to go into great details since we're both aware of the reasons that we've grown apart. Nobody is to blame... that's just the way it is. Our lives have taken different paths and we both have different priorities.

Unfortunately, I just cannot continue to invest my time and efforts and emotion into a friendship that gives me nothing in return. That's unfair to me... and now that I know it's something that just can't give in return, it's probably unfair for me to expect it of you.

I think it's time, and it's for the best, if we just accept reality and move on with our separate lives. I hope you know that I have always thought highly of you... I care about you, and I'll hold close in my heart the memories of happier times. My hope for you is that you'll always be happy and find success wherever your life leads.

I'm disappointed that it's come to this, but I'm not angry at you. Please drop me a line every now and then (or at least a Christmas card) to let me know how you're doing.

Warmest regards,
Me

[never cry wolf]

20. Great letter, thanks

I shall save for later perhaps. I'm not really ready to end it yet, I'll see how it goes at the get together this afternoon.

[khashka]

21. Don't send the letter.

Obviously you feel deeply connected to this woman. But she has stuff going on in her own life.


You describe her husband as psychotically jealous... so maybe she's protecting herself and you.


Take what you have and move on.


Khash.

[never cry wolf]

22. Thanks, I won't...n/t

[Floogeldy]

25. Bada ping!

:)

I can't imagine being best friends with a woman who has a psychotically jealous husband. :shrug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

23. never cry wolf...

To me it sounds like perhaps she has backed off after the "too forward" incident. Maybe because she realized her feelings ran too deep for you.

I, personally, wouldn't send the letter. I would cultivate the friendships I have, where time is willingly made for you. I would treasure the memories of this friend, and your time together...and hope for more, but not stake my life on it.

One last word... You WILL survive... I know it. I've got a PM box if you ever have need. :hug:

*** This is going to sound strange, but this situation sounds very much like a friend of mine who lives here in MI, is married...but has a dear friend who is male back in Illinois. This is why I gave you the advice I did. This friend of mine has backed off the relationship/friendship because she was caring too deeply, while being married with two young kids. Crazy, eh?

[never cry wolf]

26. Thanks alot, you may be right....

The too forward incident is kinda funny in a way. On an earlier trip we went out driving around, seeing all the old spots and peoples houses. We stopped at a couple of the houses where old friends lives and she would reach over and start honking my horn, one time while I was trying to walk into a condo building and alot of other people were around. Well, on the way back to her mom's I asked if we could hold hands for the last few blocks and we did.

The time she came in after that I picked her up at the airport. Being in a public area she did not want to hug hello so after we pulled away, I reached over and held her hand again. She pulled it away after a minute or so. I also had alot of things for her I had accumulated over the months so we stopped at a local park near here mom's so I could give em to her. After the last one I leaned over to kive her a cheek kiss and she redirected to the lips. Twas just a peck but I do believe it was her first lip kiss since she had married. The rest of that trip she copped an attitude too, very similar to this time.

When we chatted about it afterwards, I always got the feeling that "she doth protest too much."

Her kids are not young, one has been teaching for 2 years and the youngest has one semester left of college. She wanted to wait for the last one to finish.

I see your point however and I have had a sneaking suspicion that may be it.