Bus/Train/Subway Commuters, I Need Your Help...

[MrCoffee]

So i take the bus to/from work, and if it's standing room only, i offer my seat to any women standing near me. they invariably refuse, unless i stand up first, and they sometimes give me dirty looks.

is this generally how it goes? i have to get off my ass to prove i'm serious?

fellas, do you offer your seat to a woman standing on the bus/train/subway?

ladies, if a seat is offered, do you take it?

i don't wanna offend any empowered chicks or whatever, but my momma would smack me upside the head if i didn't give a lady my seat.

[rug]

1. Maybe it's the stain on the seat.

[MrCoffee]

2. why i oughta...

:rofl:

too funny.

[democracyindanger]

3. Do you

cut a loud one just before you offer the seat up?

Could be that.

[MrCoffee]

4. that's what i get for asking a serious question in the Lounge.

:rofl:

you don't deserve my pre-warmed bus seat.

[rug]

5. Don't knock it, winter's coming.

[bicentennial_baby]

6. I live in Boston....Noone offers....

:shrug: We're bastids up here :D

[huskerlaw]

7. As a subway commuter and a lady...

I would refuse a seat offered to me by a man. In fact, I often have.

Why? Because I'm just as capable of standing as you are.

I don't get why anyone would be offended by the offer though. It's nice, it's just not necessary.

In fact, I'd probably shoot a glare at any able-bodied woman that accepted such an offer. Why? Again, because she's just as capable of standing as you are. The seats are first-come, first-served and you got there first.

Now, I do hate it when people don't offer their seats to people who are obviously uncomfortable standing for whatever reason (except the dumbass women who insist upon wearing 4-inch heels on the subway. Their degree of comfort is their own damn problem).

[MrCoffee]

9. I can understand that...i do it because it's how i was raised...

which is a pretty flimsy excuse, sure, but it seems like the nice thing to do. what i don't get is why some women give me the stink eye for offering, and why, if i ask, they say no, but when i stand up, they hit the seat so hard the bus shakes.

[huskerlaw]

10. I can understand why you offer

and I think it's sweet. I would just smile and say no, thanks.

As for the stink eye...I have no idea. Sounds like women in Seattle have issues. ;)

I think the theory behind grabbing it if you stand up is that it was yours, but you gave away rights to it by standing. You know, like a group of 2 year olds in a sandbox? Kid sets down the shovel, all the other kids grab for it like it's gold. Since you gave away your right to the seat by standing, any sexism stigma they might have felt in accepting your original offer is null and void.

Or something like that.

[Gormy Cuss]

11. Save it for seniors, children, and pregnant women.

They WILL appreciate it. Also, offer it to any man or woman who looks dog tired.

huskerlaw posted a good description why some women give you a dirty look -- to many of us it's condescending because it implies that women are too delicate to stand up or that men are obliged to treat us as if we were.

And offering it without standing can seem insincere. Making eye contact, standing while gesturing is probably a less ambiguous way of handling it.

[Fredda Weinberg]

12. .. n/t

[LynzM]

13. You hit the nail on the head

That's pretty much my take on it, too, and I think huskerlaw was pretty dead-on in her assessment, too.

[MrCoffee]

14. i offer because otherwise i feel like a dickhead the whole way home

for hogging some seat while women stand. that's just me. i'm really not trying to be condescending.

[Gormy Cuss]

15. We know, we're just trying to explain why you're getting that reaction.

Chances are good that you'll see the people who really need to sit down because you are paying attention.
:hi:

[radwriter0555]

20. My momma always said, "you're the only one responsible for how you feel"

so it's up to you whether or not you want to feel guilty about... this very small issue.

Just offer it up to those in need.

[lukasahero]

30. "why, if i ask, they say no, but when i stand up, "

If I'm reading this right you should already know your answer.

If you ask and they say no, you should not stand up - by doing so you are not accepting their answer. They have politely declined your polite offer. By not accepting their answer and standing up, you have pushed the situation and disrespected their ability to make such a decision for themselves (if someone says no thank you, don't argue with them).

I am in agreement with the poster who said she is just as capable as standing as you are and would, politely, decline your offer. It would embarass me if you then stood up and I would feel obligated to take the seat you offered because I have been raised to be polite. It would however piss me off to the nth degree that you pushed your decision upon me.

As for why you get the "stink eye" - most women don't need your seat and some will be offended at the idea that you think they do ("helpless, delicate" women is the implication of the tradition behind your manners). While it may be how you were raised (and I confess to such myself in the paragraph above) it's time to get over some of that. Times change and we should learn to change with them.

[shanti]

24. why?

would you think that "she is just as capable of standing as you"?? not all disabilities are obvious.

[Omphaloskepsis]

8. I always offer my seat to:

Any people who look like they need it..
All females who look over 30..
All people with children..

I have never had any problems. But, I usually stand up and signal to the seat as they approach.

[ikojo]

16. I live in St Louis and rarely see men or young men offer

their seast to a woman. A few do it but not many.

[Rabrrrrrr]

17. I tend to get up before it becomes an issue, to free up a seat

for women, disabled, elderly, or whoever might really need it, since I can stand just fine.

[quiet.american]

18. Well, I don't think it's mutually exclusive to be treated like a lady & a woman

Well, I don't think it's mutually exclusive to be treated like a lady & a woman.

I love it when a man offers me his seat, probably because it's so rare to see anyone willing to be a gentleman these days. (And I'm former USAF who was usually the only woman around in my job, so I know my way around doing the "tough cookie" thing.) I know men realize I'm perfectly capable of standing the whole way, but I enjoy accepting the courtesy offered.

What can I say. I like being treated like a lady!

[radwriter0555]

19. Save it for preggers, too many bags or seniors... women & men are on

equal footing as strangers these days.

The women think you're hitting on them.

[WildEyedLiberal]

21. No, I'd accept graciously

A) Because I'd much prefer to sit and B) I appreciate when people are being polite to me.

Now, that is, unless you are leering and ogling them and are only offering them a seat so you can hover creepily over them with your package slightly thrust in their face... then, I can understand the skeeved out reactions. :rofl:

j/k... but that HAS happened to me before... so maybe these ladies have been burned before by skeeves and are now suspicious of all males.

[Book Lover]

22. A) You are making contact with someone who wants to be left alone

B) You are implying that they are incapable of standing on their own, those delicate creatures.

C) You are doing it to make yourself feel better ("It's how I was raised!"), not to make a stranger feel better.

So offer your seat to people who need it - pregnant folks and our elders. Leave those of us who just want to be left alone, alone.

[shanti]

23. i ride the light rail to work every day

and hey, if ANYONE offers me a seat, i'm taking it! this is a rare occurence tho. what i see more often is WOMEN giving up their seat to an old woman, a pregnant woman or a woman with a kid. the men will just pretend that they are asleep or bury their head in a newspaper.

i've ridden the light rail for 10 years and have seen EVERYTHING!

[Withywindle]

25. Here's how it looks to me on the CTA

As a relatively healthy and able-bodied woman in my 30s, I probably would not accept the offer unless I was riding a really long way or carrying a lot of packages or was really tired (or hung-over). But--unless the guy is doing it to be skeevy, as some posters have already pointed out some guys do--I would be appreciative. I don't see the point of getting mad when someone is just trying to be kind.

I'd tend to look around for someone who might need it more. Because I also offer to give up my seat sometimes--for pregnant women, disabled people, elderly people. It's a need-based thing, not a gender thing, to me.

[Stardust]

26. You, my dear, are a gentleman and the women are just not

accustomed to that. They might suspect ulterior motives. I wouldn't know because no man has offered me his seat in two years. The pretty young ones get seats, but not me. (I think someone did offer once and it made me feel old, but I was grateful and sat anyway.)

But what irks me most is when young mothers stand and let their kids sit. I've offered my seat to young mothers and they turn around and let the kids sit down. That just ain't fittin'. Moms need to sit -- kids should stand.

[quiet.american]

29. That's the way I was brought up -- I agree.

I remember being a five year old on the bus with my mom, and if she spotted someone who needed a seat, up my tush went and I stood. No arguments, no discussion, that's the way it was.

Now, I see young mothers who stand while their six-and-seven-year-old sons sit. Sure is a change from my day!

The other astonishing thing to me is to see four-and-five-year-olds being wheeled around in strollers. :wow:

[buddhamama]

27. I can only answer for myself

if you were to offer me your seat i'd view it as an act of kindness and nothing more.

i would however, *sweetly* and respectfully decline the offer.

i would prefer those who are more deserving sit e.g., a mother with child, an elderly person... :)

[regularguy]

28. I ususally stand up before lack of seats beacome an issue,

therefore avoiding the awkwardness of offering my seat or the awkwardness of not.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

31. I've been glared at on the subway so many times

I generally don't even bother taking a seat anymore (if it's rush hour) unless I'm sick or dog-tired.