My mom is dying

[Catshrink]

This is hard to write. Mom has been declining for the past couple of years, but heck, she's 83. After several 10 hour waits in the ER and subsequent hospitalizations, we decided to go with hospice care. Hospice has been wonderful -- all of the people are kind and professional. They answer questions and take time with each of us.

Since last Saturday, mom has gone downhill fast. Saturday she was weak, yesterday she could hardly breathe. When she tried to move she ended up panting so badly the hospice nurse was shaken. She now has a hospital bed in the living room -- that is more comfortable for her and easier for me and my aunt to care for her.

This afternoon, dad finally got it. Yesterday he said "when your mom gets over this..." Today, he finally heard what the hospice nurse has been trying to tell him.

At best mom has a week, but it will probably be sooner. I'm numb. I can't imagine being without her. She was always such a strong woman. Seeing her struggling for breath is heartbreaking. She is in no pain, she has medications to keep her comfortable. She isn't a zombie either, but does drift in and out of consciousness.

What's really weird is that Wednesday is my bd. I don't care about it but my sisters and aunt and dad are making a big deal of it -- and mom even asked me what I wanted today. Maybe they need my bd to break the sadness of what's going on. I can hardly think of celebrating.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know what's up with mom. Keep us in your prayers or thoughts. thanks.

[XanaDUer]

1. Very sorry to hear this...

:pals:

[salin]

2. Prayers for your mother

and for you and the family as well.

[Crowdance]

3. My heartfelt sympathies, Cathshrink.

I am praying for the most peaceful outcome for all of you.

[Kamika]

4. be happy

Be happy for the fact she became 83, thats not a bad age to reach. I hope she had a good life, if so even more to be happy about.

Make sure you make her last time count for all three of you

[curse10]

5. I'm so sorry to hear this

good thoughts are going towards you and your family. :grouphug:

[Liberal Veteran]

6. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family....

There are no words I can say that will make it easier for you in this time.

[mr_hat]

7. As awful and wrenching as it is, >

dying is an orderly, natural process. The body shuts down, system by system.

Don't ever suppose, though, that your Mom doesn't know of and take comfort in your presence.

Be with her. Talk to her. Her body is dying, but her spirit is waiting to soar. You can help provide the fuel she needs.

[XanaDUer]

8. That was beautiful

Mr_Hat.

[flama]

77. Yes, it was. n/t

[Catshrink]

10. Yes... thank you

I've read about that but actually seeing it happen is so strange. Before it was so theoretical and abstract. Now it's too real.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts!

I need to get back to mom's. I just came home for a few minutes to get some things for overnight.

[blondeatlast]

76. Beautiful and so true. You described my father's passing

perfectly.

Thank you. Those are some of the wonderful, comforting words I've ever read.

[kixot]

9. I thought of posting last month when my dad died but couldn't bear to.

He was in CCU for a month while his lungs, liver, and kidney failed on him. He was only 52 and spent his 53 bd in intensive care. They had him on a respirator and so he couldn't talk to us, even when they took him off of it for a while his throat was too raspy to make sounds. It was very hard. I'm only 28 and was not ready to loose my dad at 53. Now my mom is alone and since they have no savings I don't know if the vultures are going to take my dad's life insurance and their house to cover his astronomical medical bills. It's so sad, at least if he'd pulled through and we had him here we wouldn't feel so bad about all of that but now my dad is gone and my mom may not be able to survive financially. I just don't know how to feel, sometimes I want to shut down and do nothing but cry and then I feel ashamed that I haven't done more with my life but what is there to do? I feel for you and wish you comfort in these times.

[Catshrink]

11. I am so sorry, Kixot

You're only 28 -- it's okay! Give yourself some time.

I feel badly for your mom. She's in a difficult situation. I wish the best for her. Losing your dad and her husband at such a young age is horrible! I feel so blessed to have had my parents for so long.

[XanaDUer]

13. I don't think it's ever easy...

no matter a parent's age.

It is just a painful, painful rite of passage.

But thank goodness she lasted until 83. Most important thing is she is not suffering, and can pass in peace with loved ones around her.

Peace.

[JitterbugPerfume]

15. I am so sorry dear

my mom died two years ago on New Years day . I have been so depressed You will be in my thoughts

[cally]

25. I'm so sorry kixot

Your family is facing some tough times. I can't imagine losing your Dad when you are so young. I'll include you in my prayers.

Maybe if you post this as a separate thread, some DUer will offer some advice. I suspect some have gone through a similar situation as your Mom and may be able to offer comfort. :hug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

53. My condoloences on the loss of your father

[mvd]

12. Very sorry to hear this

Make sure to make the best of your last moments with her. That will help later on.

[amazona]

14. I'm sorry to hear this

I think your mom wants to know you'll continue on and be happy -- hence why she is asking about your bday. Don't know what else to say, just know we care.

[proud patriot]

16. I send you strength

and love

[ScreamingMeemie]

17. I am really saddened to hear this.

Hugs to you. It is never easy to say goodbye, and I cannot yet imagine the hurt you are going through in saying goodbye to your mom. My heart goes out to you.

Laura

[underseasurveyor]

18. Oooooh :-( <sniff sniff>

(((hugs)))

[zbdent]

19. Please heed my words . . .

Focus on the good things about her, and all the wonderful memories that you have.

I know that she's not gone yet, but try to think about the love and the laughter she gave you.

My father died at a relatively young age (55, colon cancer) a few years back. One of the things I thought about (in case I was asked if I wanted to say a few words) was a favorite memory I had. Years ago, my mother had to work double shifts to get the orders in for her factory. She came home and went right to sleep. My father, who wasn't very good with expressing his love, walked in to the room where I was reading, with a vase of flowers, scribbled something on a card, set the flowers and card on the TV, looked at me, grinned, and left, all without saying a word. It was a very touching moment.

Since then, I have seen him in my dreams. Each time, I have found it to be a wonderful thing, although my wife considers them "nightmares".

In the first dream, he appeared as he was just before he finally started downhill fast. I got to hug him, and it felt like he was telling me that he was okay now.

As the dreams came in the following years, little again has been said to me, but I have seen him as he was in his prime (well, prime plus a few pounds!). Each time, I feel that he is reminding me that he is better now.

I hope that, when you get a "visit" from your mother, like my father does, that it helps, not hurts, you, and that you wake up crying tears of happiness (for seeing her again), instead of sorrow.

[Mrs. Venation]

20. Please Accept My Deepest Condolences

I know I will be facing this soon; my mom is 72, my dad is 80. Mama has been smoking cigarettes since she was 12 or 13 years old. She has (and denies she has) emphasema. The thought of losing either of them is more than I can bear.

You and your family certainly have my prayers, Catshrink. Please be good to yourself.

[nostamj]

21. a dear lady, like a 2nd mom to me passed last month

it was hard but... all quality in her 'life' had gone.

sometimes it is right to let go. surround her with love, let her know it is 'ok' for her soul to go on and that she will always be with you.

(i know i face this in the not-so-distant future)

[supernova]

22. My sympathies

to you Catshrink and your family. Letting go is the hardest thing you ever do, but it sounds like she has prepared you all well.

Don't try to stop the grief when it comes, just let it happen.

:grouphug: Catshrink :grouphug:

[zulchzulu]

23. Hold her hand for a long time

I always found that holding a loved one's hand for a long time as they near their passing is the best spiritual medicine you can give.

Having had to do that recently, it is possibly one of the most reassuring things you can do. Find her favorite music and play it. Make it "fun".

All the best through this...

[blondeatlast]

78. The day before my dad passed, while he was still fairly conscious,

he asked me to wash his hands for him. It was the most wonderful feeling I've ever experienced; I really could feel his love for me. It was just extraordinary, and I will never forget it.

So right--hold her hands. It is incredible.

[travisleit01]

24. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

I'm so sorry to hear this, Catshrink. My deepest condolences... :(

[GOPFighter]

26. I'm really sorry

My Mom died a few years ago. She went rather quickly, but it was hard to accept. My heart goes out to you. Your birthday might be a good diversion for all of you, including your Mom. It must be tough on her know her failing health is disrupting the family. Let her be part of this one last birthday with her.

Thanks for sharing this with us. We're all here for you, Catshrink.

:grouphug:

[cally]

27. My prayers go out to you

I recently had a great aunt die and watching her die was sooo difficult. We all knew she was going to die soon but we had several good days. She enjoyed all the family surrounding her and telling stories. I hope you also have some good times with your Mom during the next week. :hug:

[msanger]

28. My wife died 11 years ago today

which I had sort of not thought about till I started to write you. I wanted to suggest you look at the book - "Final Gifts" which is about how to listen to people who are in your mom's situation - dying and drifting in and out of consciousness.

When Anne was dying she had some visions in the last day or two - which is pretty common, and often rather comforting.

I wish you and your family well. My prayers are with you.

[UrbScotty]

29. Catshrink, you have my deepest condolences.

:hug:

[Rowdyboy]

30. Hope she gets to enjoy one more birthday with you

I'm sure it would mean a lot to her. God bless...

[ewagner]

31. Very Sorry to hear this

Our thoughts will be with you.

[Bertha Venation]

32. you're in my prayers

I only wish to echo the good thoughts, best wishes, and prayers everyone has already posted. Her love will stay with you. It doesn't go; it multiplies.

[Amaya]

33. I'm very sorry to hear this...

my thoughts are with and your family :hug:

[GOPisEvil]

34. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

[mmm]

35. death is a good thing

any way you cut it, death is a good thing.
I feared death before my first out of body experience.
If death is the end, so be it. I can use a rest.
If death is not the end... excellent.
Either way, I will not cry for the dead.

[no_hypocrisy]

36. I wish I could offer you a hug. Your love for your mother will help you

get through this.

I lost my mother 5 months ago. I stayed with her by myself until the very end. It was the ultimate gesture of love that I could give her.

Cry when you want. Reach out to your family. And smile when you remember your mother.

My blessings to you, your mother, and your family.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

37. This is dreadful time in limbo for you

My father died at home after being bedridden for months, and it was a most difficult time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[nini]

38. I'm sending strength your way.

It's so hard to let a loved one go. Your story is similar to what my dad went through and the whole experience made me a huge hospice advocate. My older sister actually turned her nursing career to a hospice nurse since then.

Know you are all doing the best thing for her. Letting someone die naturally in a hospice environment is the most loving thing you can do. Putting her right to die with dignity and peacefully is such a better alternative to what they would do to her in a hospital.

I pray your mom goes as peacefully and quietly as my dad. He just went out like a candle. It was actually one of the most powerful moments of my life.

Hugs to you :hug:

[blondeatlast]

81. I wish my dad had had hospice. The doctors were certain he

would recover up til the very end, so it was never suggested. Still, he was allowed palliative care as he needed.

Hospice is truly a gift for the dying.

[caledesi]

39. I am so sorry for you CS!

It's hard losing a family member - I oughta know. Hospice is great though and I am glad your mother is not in pain.

My own mother is 89 and is in better health than I am. Go figure.

No matter how old someone is though, a loss is a loss. Keep her spirit w/ you forever.

[bobthedrummer]

40. My prayer for strength goes out to you Catshrink.

n/t

[Dookus]

41. I'm so sorry, Catshrink....

I don't believe in angels, but if I had pick the closest thing, it would be hospice nurses. They're amazing people.

Again, I'm sorry. You'll be in my thoughts.

[grasswire]

43. you're not alone...

...so many of us have lost parents and are willing to comfort you and to listen.

My father passed when I was 24, and my mother a few years later. Being an "adult orphan" is very hard. And yet it is the natural way of life and death.

Two thoughts: If she loved music, make it available for her to hear. Something sweet and nostalgic from her childhood. Or a CD of hymns, perhaps, if she's at all religious.

Second, there may come a time when you need to give her permission to go, for her own ease. You may need to whisper "It's okay to go, mom." Hospice workers say that mothers will linger and wait because they fear leaving their children motherless, even when in pain and near the end.

Talk, talk to her. Tell her of happy memories. Laugh. Remind her how many things she has taught you that enable you to take care of yourself in the world. Tell her she did a wonderful job of preparation.

Doing some of these things will empower you and help you celebrate a life, not just mourn a death.

[The Mighty Boot]

42. "Keep us in your prayers or thoughts."

I was a pall bearer today. My cousin JJ passed away
from pancreatic cancer. Husband, father Vietnam Vet(2
tours with the 75th rangers) bronze star, distinguished
service medal etc. most of all though- a standup guy who will
be missed. The kind of guy who'll be holding the door of
Heaven open for your mum. I said alot of prayers today, I
think I can manage one more.

R.I.P. JJ

[Dookus]

44. Sorry ......

for YOUR loss, too, Boot. Welcome to DU.

[Kathy in Cambridge]

45. So Sorry, Catshrink

My condolences.

My thoughts are with you. :hug:

[SoCalDem]

46. No matter how old, it's never the "right time" to lose a loved one

Thankfully, she seems to be comfortable, and knowing that you are all there with her will make it easier for her and for you all too..

It's something that every "child" has to come to terms with, and you are lucky to have a support system..

Sending positive thoughts for you all for the difficult time ahead.:grouphug:

[bleedingheart]

47. I am so sorry

I will definitely keep you in my prayers. My dad died when I was a kid and the person I am closest to is my mom. (I recall checking to see if she was breathing when I was a kid because I was so afraid of losing her after the loss of my dad..) I love her so much and I know that as she gets older that eventually I will have to let go...so I can't imagine how hard it is for you and your family.

Take care and just remember the good times and give your mom and dad lots of hugs...

I am praying for you...

[Jack Rabbit]

48. No matter how much you accept the inevitable, it still hurts

I know. My mother was 88 when she passed on about a year and a half ago.

I feel for you.

[Ilsa]

49. So sorry. Please be prepared.

Some people are able to hang on until a holiday or special date has past, then they let go. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I lost my beloved mom over three years ago and it still hurts, but it does get better.

As for the family, try to accomodate them as best you can, but also be true to yourself as you be kind to your family. Maybe you can let your bd be about your mom vs about you.

[flamingyouth]

50. You are in my thoughts, Catshrink

May you be comforted by your wonderful memories and by your many friends. :grouphug:

[LWolf]

51. I'm thinking of you.

:hug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

52. Catshrink

I do pray for strength for you and for the ability to just be with all you are going through. On the one hand, it is a huge loss and one that is very painful to confront.

On the other hand, there is no greater privilege than to be with someone you love when they are wrapping up their life.

They wanna know that they are loved, they will be missed and that they mattered.

Make sure you get that all expressed to her. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Sal316]

54. I just lost my nana.....

..my thoughts and prayers are with you.

:hugs:

[Lisa0825]

55. (((HUGS)))) to you... I can relate too well....

I sent you a message. Hang in there. I know how hard it is.

[Mz Pip]

56. My thoughts are with you

Take care.

MzPip

[alphafemale]

57. Please allow her to recognize your birthday.

It'll be hard, but it will be a wonderful gift to allow the focus and attention to be off of her.

Even if it is only for an evening.

Allow for her to do something for YOU and be that loving generous MOM one last time.

[davsand]

58. My heart to you and your family.

Several years ago I lost a very dear friend at a young age. I was terribly saddened by not just her loss, but the fact that we had parted without ever having told each other how much we cared.

After her passing, I dreamed about her. She came to me in that dream and told me that she was OK--and that she knew how much I'd loved her. She also told me that it does not end with our last breath and she wanted me to know that.

I woke from that dream feeling I'd been given a huge gift, and that gift has carried me since then.

I doubt this story offers much comfort to you in this time, but my hope is that by sharing this it gives you some small measure of comfort down the road.

May your path brighten soon.

Laura

[Clark Can WIN]

59. Tell your mother

That you just want to be with her for your birthday.

You can take this as you will according to your family situation. As a mother, I would want nothing more for my last days than to spend them curled up with my kids and my husband. To feel them curled up with me. That would relax me and make me feel at peace.

I think, no matter what the level of pride has been, that almost all mothers that in their heart.

[CanuckAmok]

60. So sorry, Catshrink.

My mom is still in there pitchin', but Mrs. Amok lost both her parents within a few months of eachother. We were at their bedsides when they went. And it was terrible.

And inevitable.

You will survive this. It sounds like your siblings need you for strength. Be sure to be there for them, but take time for yourself, too.

Ask your mom if there's anything special she'd like. There may be some little thing nobody's though of, which would mean a great del to her. Mrs Amok's mom wanted sushi and champagne, so they had a little feast, thanks to the paliative care staff who were more than happy to help us break the hospital's 'no alcohol' rule...

Hang in there...

[jus_the_facts]

61. My sympathies to you and your family....

...be as strong as you can for your Dad through this...sounds like he'll need some extra support to cope with it all. My heart goes out to you....warm regards to you for your birthday as well. :hug:

[SOteric]

62. I am so very sorry,

I lost my own mum after her lengthy illness a couple of years ago. I hope the time you have left with her brings you both some fulfillment and peace.

:hug:

[Piperay]

63. So Sorry

:hug: You, your mother and your family will be in my thoughts.:grouphug:

[Mikimouse]

64. Very sorry to hear this...

I'm sending hugs and good thoughts to you and your family. Give your Dad hugs from us too, please.

[sujan]

65. dude

I cry with you.

[REP]

66. How Sad

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother, and send my best wishes for all of you.

As for your birthday, let your family fuss. It may be enjoyable for all of them to plan and think about. I bet you want as much attention on your mom as possible, but planning for your birthday won't take anything from your mom. Heck, she is a big part of your birthday! Letting them do this is a gift to your family, so hard as it may be, let 'em.

[peacefreak]

67. I am so sorry.

Hold her near. Kiss her soft cheek. Thank her for your life & her guidance. You would not be the good person you are without her help.
Although this is so hard, cherish each moment you have with her. When it's time, send her to the angels. Blessings to you all.

[Spirochete]

68. I'm so sorry!

It's very hard to lose your mother. I hope your family comes through it all right. My thoughts are with you.

[AnnabelLee]

69. I'm very sorry, Catshrink

:hug:

[Lady Freedom]

70. Sorry to hear that!

:(

[bearfan454]

71. God bless you and your Mom and your family.

[Catshrink]

72. Thank you all!

I've been at mom's since last night and haven't had a chance to respond to all of your heartfelt messages.

Thank you! It's comforting to know that the people on the board I hang out at are so caring. Thank you for sharing your personal stories and experience. I know sometimes that is hard to do -- but believe me, it's comforting.

Mom is calmer than she was yesterday. She's sleeping most of the time but knows we are there and who we are. She talked to one of my sisters on the phone -- enough to say hello and I love you.

I called a few of my dad's male friends today, the guys he goes to drink coffee with now and then, and let them now. Two of them dropped by and took him out for coffee. He needed them! One of them recently lost his wife and he was able to get dad to open up a bit. Tomorrow my uncle and cousin will arrive, which will also help dad.
I have no brothers so dad is always surrounded by women -- us and his sisters. The men offer something we women don't or can't.

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again! Right now, I need some sleep -- I stayed up with mom last night so my aunt could get rest.

[Zomby Woof]

73. good to hear from you!

Please keep us updated, and know that our thoughts are with you.

[DemExpat]

74. Saying goodbye to loved ones, and welcoming baby newcomers

can be the most wonderful, incredible times of love ever experienced in a lifetime.

Thoughts and hugs are with you and your family at this difficult, bittersweet time....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Barb

[blondeatlast]

75. That is so hard. My dad died in May after a short struggle

with colon cancer. I'm so, so sorry.

The only advice I have to give is to cherish every moment that is left for you. Rest assured that you are doing the right thing and that she soon will be at peace knowing of your love. My mom and I were there at the last breath.

PM me if I can be of any help; like I said, I just went through it myself and it is still hurting.

Prayers for her peace, now and forever on. And a special one for you and your family. You will be able to take it; I was astonished at how well I managed when the end came for my dad.

God bless all of you. Again, if I can help in any way, feel free to PM me.

(((CatShrink)))

[GreenPartyVoter]

79. I'm so sorry

I know how hard this is for you. :^(

[flama]

80. You are in my thoughts

Death is not an easy thing. My mother passed at 79 and my father at 81. Your mother has lived many good years with a family who loves her.

A poem said "Do not go gentle into that good night" as if we should all fight the end. My wish to my friends is that they do go gentle into that good night - free of pain and surrounded by love.

This is hard to say to a virtual stranger, but may your mother go gently, free from pain and surrounded by love. That's the way I want to leave this world.

[BritishHuman]

82. My deepest sympathies

My own mother is in residential care with Alzheimers. It's always terrible to lose a parent, either mentally or physically.

:hug:

[chefgirl]

83. So horribly sorry to hear this

I have no words.

Prayers for you and your Mom.

-chef-