Last night I was so close to clocking out and quitting my job ...

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

It was a surreal moment ... all of a sudden I just stopped what I was doing and I looked around at everyone as they were working ... I was saying to myself and thinking " There is no way in hell that I can do this forever , this is not what I want to be doing with my life."

Lately I have been feeling so much energy that is moving me to finally "live". Ever since my mom's aneurysm something in my soul clicked that I just have to live ... I am happier when I don't go to work. When its time for me to go to work and I get through the parking lot I feel like puking sometimes. I do respect my fellow co-workers but its no longer in my heart to do the work that I do.

Its a challenge and nothing happens over night but I do have a dream that I have been working on for the past 7 years and that is my music. I feel that I have this talent for a reason and I don't want to be 40 years old wondering "what if ... " - just the thought of that kills me. I will be 27 in August , I have come so far in my life. Seven years ago I was living out of a bag, only eating once a day - I was loading newspapers onto trailers and I hated it. I would get food out of the snack machine in the cafeteria late at night because thats all I could afford. Did'nt have a car, had to take the taxi. I did'nt have shit. And I was sooooo depressed, I had so many nervous breakdowns that I actually looked in the mirror and I told myself when I was 19 that "I would be lucky if I made to the age of 21". The thought of suicide was always in my back pocket - I was so lost until I moved to Germany for 3 years. Today I have a lot - I am grateful for my job , the pay is beyond good but the salary does not satisfy me ... I need to do what its in my heart. Its a sacrifice but I know that if I am alive today through all the things I have been through then I can make it in some kind of way ...

I give myself 2 years ... you never know unless you try.

End of rant/vent.

[ThomCat]

1. I hope you find a much better place to work.

And I hope it doesn't take 2 years to find it. :hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

2. I am not looking for another place to work ...

I want to be successful with my music ... I have notebooks full of music and lyrics, it makes no sense for someone not to hear it.

[ThomCat]

3. Do you perform it too, or just write and compose it?

It would be really cool for all of us to get to watch/listen to you succeed. :)

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

6. I started singing in the choir when I was 4 at church ...

Played the viola when I was 9

Went to the clarinet when I was 10 and loved it. Mastered it in 3 years, according to my director I was a master - had no idea, I just loved playing it. Tons of music scholarship offers ... chose to study PoliSci at NCSU instead.

I always played the keyboard by ear since I was little but when I moved to Germany the week of my 21st birthday I told myself that I would teach myself to play it. And I did - I write my music on the keyboard - I love Synths which is why I love Duran Duran. I feel that I won't be fully alive in my life if I am not around music ...

I always write music. I could be sitting talking to you and I get melodies in my head and I write them down. My ex-boyfriend would take me to Wal-mart sometimes just to make me play the keyboards.

I would love to write soundtracks like Henry Mancini,Howard Shore,Don Davis,and Hans Zimmer.

Being a female makes me want to do it even more because growing up and playing in band class at school - not once did we play music written by a female composer, that is something that always stuck with me ...

[riverdeep]

4. There's something to said for dayjobs

I think having a reasonably satisfying dayjob and doing music in an amateur or part-time fashion at first might be a way to go. Once you get a taste of music as a profession, you may love it or may want to keep doing it part-time only.

I was reading an interview with an indie rock band Scrawl that they actually like having dayjobs because then "playing music seems like a club, a place you go that's special instead of a chore."

Something to consider.

[idgiehkt]

5. It sounds like you are on the right track

And it sounds like you have been through some really hard times and made it out the other side just fine. You sound like a really strong person. I've worked in manufacturing environments and I know how depressing and just soul-draining they can be, and the way they make everyone who works there mean spirited and bitter. I wish you much success with your son-writing and I do believe that you should go for it. Were I you, and looking back at a job i had that I had really good pay at, I would just squirrel away money as much as I could so had something to draw on and a cushion so you can pursue the other field with no worries about financial stability. I know it will work out for you, just make sure to provide yourself a safety net.

Good luck :toast:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

7. Lately at work nothing makes sense anymore ...

I am not getting anything from it ... not only is it physically draining , it drains me emotionally. I do work in a manufacturing field - and I am starting not to care about my work anymore at all. Sometimes I want to get on the intercom and yell " this is so damn stupid fuck all of yall I am out!" Its a relief when I am not there. Even if I moved up higher in the company I would still be jaded.

[Ahpook]

12. I can relate 100%

Luckily i am working at home now with a family BIZ. Before that i was working a printing press and that kind of shit.

I would go in there everyday at 6AM and work my fingers to the fucking nub. On my drive home every evening i would get extremely depressed. I hated it.

Now i can afford more time to my music. I feel very fortunate.

And i hope you can find the same.:toast:

On edit: That does sound like a whine doesn't it? Not to hijack your thread, but those bastards, if i let them would work me 7 days a week. It sucked...

Good luck to you though:)

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

14. You did'nt hijack my thread at all ...

I moved up to a higher grade level this past October , the previous department I worked in despite the other idiots understood that I knew a lot about what running the department meant and let me help up into the end - I left because the nice managers who were people friendly and respectful to everyone , were being forced out and replaced by assholes. Its a complete change from the 2 years ago when I started. Back then work was a joy - I no longer work in that department but I still see them and fix some of the problems there. Everyone who is still there that came in before or with me tells me everytime "You are so lucky you are not working here anymore ..." - they work hard - only getting Sundays off and get nothing in return. It sucked when I did it and I really only had easy work , but the people who are the slackers and only cause problems bring everything down.

[Shine]

8. I don't know how much you know about or give stock in astrology

but it sounds like what you're going through is a perfect example of what's known as the "Saturn return", it basically refers to the planet Saturn making its way around your chart to come back to where it was at your birth. It takes approximately 27-29 yrs to make it fully around, which is why many of us go through major life changes during those years. It happens again when we're 56-58 yrs old. Saturn has to do with claiming your own authority and letting go of what no longer serves you. It is a powerful bringer of life lessons, which it can be challenging, but also deeply renewing and invigorating. Your desire to align yourself with your heart's passion is what this transit is all about. Keep your intention clear and you can create the life you want. :hug: :hi:


Here's a nice article I just found for you, describing in more detail the energies of the Saturn return. Maybe you'll find it interesting....
http://newage-directory.com/saturn.html

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

11. That article was so spot on with everything that I have been feeling lately ...

I have been very very INTROVERTED. Even around my family even though I love them. I just feel more comfortable quiet and alone because I am content that way. Friends who I use to talk to all the time I don't know what to say to them anymore - I look at myself and I look at them and wonder all sorts of things - I need good people around me.

My biological clock as been ticking ... but that can wait.

I am bookmarking this article. I like reading about New Age ideas because to me its not kooky it makes a lot of sense.

[Shine]

13. Oh,good! I'm so glad you found it useful.

that makes me smile. :D

One of the things I find so fascinating about astrology is that it helps to keep in perspective the idea that our life moves in cycles....in other words: Everything changes and this, too, shall pass.

Hang in there, gf. :hug:

[KamaAina]

9. Wanna go on Idol?

Seriously. They just raised the cutoff age to 28. And remember, Carolinians (Fantasia, Clay Aiken) have a pretty good track record there.

Hell, I'd even watch for that!

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

10. I am not looking at the American Idol route.

I am not sure if you know the legalities of anyone from American Idol ... but anything I write I want to own it , not Simon Fuller or BMG.

[Xipe Totec]

15. Don't quit, make them suffer. I did

Got a six month vacation with full bennies and medical coverage out of it.

Once they realize you don't fear them, they fear you.